Adventures of the Fat Lesbian

It's me again, Internet

2009-09-22T13:37:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I've been busy. That's a pretty standard excuse for not posting on your own blog. But, while things have been totally crazy (bought a house!) I just haven't been feeling this blog for a while now. Unfortunately, Facebook has sucked me in and the small amount of time I have for creativity has been channeled there. Not that I've really had any creativity to go around. Between the house, work and every day life I just haven't had much left to spare.

I may be back one day. Who knows? I will keep this place up as it has my handy blogroll that I use for my daily blog reading.

I'll still be reading your blogs and (hopefully) doing a better job of commenting.

Anything to say? Email can be sent to aotfl@sbcglobal.net or just leave a comment.

See you around.

The very definition of awesome

2009-05-15T07:13:00.000-05:00

Things at work have been so hectic lately that I've felt crappy pretty much every moment that I'm not at home. Home has been my solitude through all this chaos. And I have only R to thank for that.

When my day is bad she will do whatever she can to make me feel better. Take Wednesday for example. I was having a totally shitty day. R tells me mid-afternoon that she's leaving work an hour early to run an errand. She won't give me any details. However, she does show up at my office about 20 minutes later with Starbucks for me. And just like that all the tension that was causing me to bubble over retreated. I was still stressed but that one great gesture knocked my anxiety level down somewhere near manageable.

Then today she tells me she is taking a day off. I'm getting ready for work and she stumbles into the living room still half asleep and proclaims that she is going to clean the house while she is off.

And the best part??? She starts cleaning then and there!!!!!! If I had been more awake or had an ounce of grace I would have swooned.

I plan on doing something incredibly nice for her as soon as I have the brain power to think it up.

So to sum it all up my definition of awesome=R.

You're killing me

2009-04-14T13:27:00.000-05:00

You know it's true love when in answer to your ravings about an impossible person your partner states, "can you reasonably hide the body* until I get there?"

Its responses like those that make me realize how truly lucky I am. And how completely weird we are.
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Also on a completely unrelated note and an "L Word" spoiler in case you're like me and just started watching the last season. What the fuck is up with Shane? Also, I feel somewhat let down as I was hoping there would be less actual Jenny screen time. I'm still suffering through her character and I only have like 2 episodes to watch. Can't she die already?

* in case someone actually takes the joking between two obviously demented people seriously-there is no damn body although I guess with the tone of both entries in the post I could see why someone would worry.....

Congratulations Iowa!

2009-04-03T07:27:00.000-05:00

I am so happy for all the gays and lesbians in Iowa today! Iowa says gay marriage ban unconstitutional!

I only wish the other states would sit up and take notice. I have come to the realization that Arkansas will only allow gay marriage if it's forced to by the federal government. Sad, but probably true. But, hopefully I'll be proven wrong.

Happy gay marriage, Iowa!

Oops

2009-03-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

So in keeping with the McDonald's theme- hypothetically speaking how bad is it if you use your Health Savings Account to make a purchase at Mickey D's? I'm thinking I could argue mental health reasons. It was either I got McDonald's or my thin hold on sanity would finally snap.

It was truly an accident; accidentally grabbed the HSA debit card instead of the regular debit card.

I could either prepare my defense of said purchase or just put the same damn amount of money back in the HSA. And since the bank is completely and totally out of my way by at least 20 minutes I'm going to be lazy and just start preparing the Mickey D's defense.

The saddest thing is this "defense" will probably be used to amuse myself and R for hours. We're weird like that.

The pain

2009-03-09T07:34:00.001-05:00

Just because I prefer to share my misery with the world. I heard this commercial right before I walked out the door this morning and now it's on a constant loop in my brain.

Enjoy!

MIA

2009-02-12T13:23:00.001-06:00

So much has been going on lately that I've been kinda MIA. Let's review the highlights of my last few weeks:

1. Found out best friend is moving to Arizona. Not in a few months but in 1 month. So we're all getting together as much as possible before the move.

2. Work, work, work, work, work.

3. I contracted some stomach virus that rendered me pretty useless for 5 days.

4. Try to play catch up for the 3 days I missed from work so of course more work, work, work on top of my usual work, work, work.

5. Taylor catches a "cold"

6. Taylor gets better. Leroy catches a "cold"

7. Leroy gets better. Grace catches a "cold"

8. work. rinse. repeat.

9. Grace is extremely sick and getting no better. Vet diagnoses her with a respiratory infection.

10. end up with a billion scratches from trying to put ointment in Grace's eyes and liquid antibiotics down her throat.

11. 3 days of antibiotics including an initial antibiotic shot AND steroid shot from vet and Grace is still very sick.

12. even more scratches from Grace.

13. Someone gets ahold of my debit card number and fraudulent charges begin appearing on account.

14. Fight with Regions. Rinse. repeat.

15. Grace is referred to an internal medicine vet.

16. Add 3 more scratches to the tally.

17. More fraudulent charges and fights with Regions.

18. cancel debit card.

19. Grace goes to specialist. She's examined and xrayed. Diagnosed with either what the vet calls "herpes" or "chlamydia." R and I are so tired (from worrying and not sleeping because we're constantly checking on Grace) we immediately become hysterical with laughter (after we found out it's easily treatable) and begin making inappropriate jokes about naughty uncles and such. Find out vet has no sense of humor.

20. R and I argue about who is going to google feline herpes and feline chlamydia at lunch.

It's been an eventful couple of weeks and a lot of this stuff is still up in the air. So things might stay sporadic around here for a while until things settle down. Or you know until I finally overcome that pesky need for sleep.

Zombies? Seriously?

2009-01-30T13:46:00.003-06:00

This article cracked me up. But, not for the reasons you think. It's all about the "Guide to the Undead" that they so thoughtfully placed in a nifty little sidebar to the left. Links include

What is a Zombie?
Zombies in English Presentation
Zombie application on Facebook

and my personal favorite article title

Zombie Pin-Ups: Where beauty eats brains

They also included wonderful videos on such topics as How to Escape a Zombie and Bush finds a new threat in zombies.

I'm not sure if their little side bar was done in jest or if they were trying to truly educate the public on the topics of zombies. Either way I think it's hilarious that they have such an informative guide on such an out there topic.

And on the whole zombie note- How about this? Pride and Prejudice plus zombies?

Silliness just seems to be ensuing when it comes to zombies lately. I guess vampires have been taking up entirely way too much spotlight as of late. Zombies want their face time too, no?

Oops

2009-01-22T07:23:00.000-06:00

Driving into work this morning one of the morning radio shows were talking about misheard lyrics.

One that made me laugh was "Broken" by Seether. The lyrics say, "I wanna hold you high and steal your pain." The listener swore they said, "I wanna hold you high and steal your Pam." As in the cooking spray. And upon playing the song it really kinda sounds like Pam instead of pain.

Another one was "Beast of Burden" by the Rolling Stones. Instead of "I'll never be your beast of burden," they heard, "I'll never let your pizza burn."

There were a bunch of great ones but those two really made me laugh.

Now on to one of my embarrassing misheard lyrics. In Filter's "Hey Man, Nice Shot," I hear "That's why I say hey man nice shirt. What a good shirt man." The real lyrics are of course, "That's why I say hey man nice shot. What a good shot man."

Yes, I'm a moron and I freely admit it. And yet, I still sing the lyrics wrong each time.

Goodbye and new beginnings

2009-01-20T13:23:00.000-06:00

Goodbye to the end of an error

Hello to the future

I've honestly never been more proud to be an American than I am today.

Oh to dream!

2009-01-15T13:15:00.001-06:00

Wonder who you have to blow to get this job?

http://www.islandreefjob.com/

I also wonder if they would be able to understand my Southern accent?

On that note I bet the decision committee would be charmed by it. I mean it wins me major points anytime I'm near any Yankees. And all the Canadians I met while in Canada were transfixed by me anytime I spoke. I bet Australians would love it!

I'm off to plan my video or ya know fuck off some more. Whichever takes the least amount of brain power.

Day 5 con't, Day 6, Day 7 & some general ramblings

2009-01-12T07:23:00.003-06:00

The rest of the diet was much easier for the most part. Days 5 & 6 we got steak. Day 7 we got brown rice. However, I was unable to force myself to eat anymore soup after day 4. Every time I opened the fridge and saw it I gagged a little. The diet did accomplish a few things. It made me hate soup, it made my body change how it craved food and it solidified my beliefs that fad diets are stupid.

The diet promised that I would have more energy a few days in. That didn't happen at all. Honestly by Sunday I had no energy at all. I don't know if it's diet related but by midday Sunday I was basically a lump on the couch until I fell asleep watching television around 8:30.

I haven't weighed since Saturday so I don't know what the final count is. The last count I have was a total weight loss of 9 lbs. Which is nothing to sneer at but it isn't the 17 lbs promised by the diet.

Today marks the day of what I call better eating. I know what I need to eat and I know how much is healthy so that's my new eating style. I refuse to call it a diet because diet seems so restrictive. Also diet seems short termed while this won't be. My new eating style is how I should be eating permanently not just in the short term to reach a certain number.

And for my weird rant of the day. What the fuck is up with movies these days? I never watch them because they all tend to suck. Yesterday I had no energy whatsoever so I watched a couple of the movies I had recorded. Premonition? Sucked. If it weren't for the fact that I love Julian McMahon I would have turned it off just a bit into it. Jumper? Sucked. I watched it because I kept hoping it would get better but no such luck. I also recorded 1408 but I after watching Premonition I just didn't have it in me to watch it.

So it just me or do movies just suck ass lately? Are there any good movies out there? Am I just watching the wrong ones?

Day 5

2009-01-09T13:51:00.004-06:00

Mid-day update

Breakfast:

Orange Juice
Cup of Bran (still nasty) with skim milk

Lunch:

Steamed broccoli
an apple

So far today things have been great. I went to lunch late (again) and I wasn't hungry at all.

Tonight we get to have up to 20 oz of beef. I'm not as excited about it today as I was last night. Obviously this diet has turned my brain into mush.

I guess we'll see if my tune changes once we get home and put those beautiful steaks on the grill. *Just to be mean I'm thinking about telling R that I think we should skip the steaks and become vegetarians.

I really can't help the meanness. It's in my genes and has been nurtured since birth. I don't think this soup has done much for my disposition either. But only 2 1/2 days to go! Hopefully the world can survive my heightened meanness for just a bit longer.

Day 4

2009-01-08T20:45:00.000-06:00

We're half way through! Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

Breakfast:

Orange Juice
Cup of Bran (nasty as hell even with Splenda) with skim milk

Lunch:

Steamed garlic seasoned cauliflower (tasted like ass)

Snacks:

Bananas (the diet called for at least 3 bananas today)

Dinner:

Soup (it's beginning to have no flavor at all for me or maybe my taste buds are dead)

Surprisingly I haven't really been hungry the last two days. My stomach growled on the way home from work but it was barely noticeable. As much as I hate this soup I am very impressed with the overall hunger control. It feels like this diet has kind of reset my system

Total weight lost end of Day 4: 10 lbs

Day 3

2009-01-07T20:18:00.001-06:00

Today's post is brought to you by the letter R as in R wrote this post as I have no time because I am so swamped at work I don't even have time to pee.

On with the show:

Sweet Jesus, when will this end? Day 3 of the diet you get to eat soup (kill me now), fruit and veggies. Wee! All the veggies you want for breakfast. Because nothing says, “Good morning, world!” like a big plate of steamed broccoli for breakfast. Also, nothing says, “I’ll be in here for another 10 minutes or so,” like a big plate of steamed broccoli for breakfast.

I skipped breakfast and had a nice glass of grape juice instead. Jen took a big bag of broccoli to steam for lunch and I *sob* took a bowl of soup. I didn’t have a choice really. You’ve smelled broccoli cooking? Yeah, I couldn’t do that to the office. And really the soup isn’t bad. I mean it would be better if it were Rally’s cheeseburgers and fries but that’s what got my ass into this position. Damn you Rally’s. Damn you and your beautiful fries!

She’s mentioned the odd cleansing properties of the soup? Yeah, my office loves me. Yet somehow in my burger deprived mind that seemed a better choice than the steamy sulfur smell of broccoli. I was okay most of the day till one girl came around with the freaking canister of M&M’s asking me if I wanted some. In a soup fueled frenzy it was all I could do not to beat her over the head with a stapler and steal them, running off into the field behind the office cackling madly. But I was strong and said no. I even waited till she left my office before I started crying.

Supper was a nice big bowl of soup. Oh joy! Oh bliss! Oh hell. ‘Eat soup’ is now a perfectly acceptable insult in our house. Example: “Snakes on a Plane is stupid. I can’t believe you like this.” “Eat soup.”

Jennifer again. As you can see this diet is making us slightly delusional. My total weight lost end of day 3 is 5.5lbs. Yeah up 1.5 lbs.

This is exactly what happened to our friend that turned us on to the diet. She gained weight on the 3rd day. She quit. A true friend would have warned us when it happened but nooooo. Doesn't matter now though; we're toughing this out until the end. 4 more days to go. *sob*

Day 2

2009-01-06T13:44:00.005-06:00

It's lunch Day 2 and I have figured out this whole diet thing. It makes you hate food. Today all we can eat is the soup and just about any veggie we can think of. For dinner we can have a baked potato. But no fruit all day long.

This morning I swore I would vomit if I ate that soup for breakfast so I drank orange juice, coffee and green tea. Not mixed because you know that would be weird and while I do eat some weird combinations (black eyes peas & mayo), I'm not that disturbing.

I am now trying to eat soup for my lunch and I will say this- if after these 7 days if I never even SEE another bowl of soup again I will be very happy.

I will try to post again at the end of the day to say how the night went but I'm pretty sure I won't be eating soup for dinner. Currently I've been eating lunch now for 30 minutes and I've only managed to ingest about 1/4 of it.

And just as an aside, I don't generally try fad diets, I just wanted to use this one to kind of jump start our healthy eating as it was reported to be a great cleansing way to begin a healthier approach to eating. But, at this point I fucking hate food. So maybe that's the secret? Only time will tell if the laxative effect lasts into day 2. My ass hopes not.

Update 2:59 p.m.

The laxative effect also happens on day 2. Pretty much anytime you eat the soup it has a laxative effect. Dear God. R & I have pretty much agreed that we will not be eating the soup at work again.

Update 8:50 p.m.

Dinner was a baked potato and edamame. I also had some mushrooms which sounded really good in theory but really were a miss.

I am a little pissed at the animals. Ryley hates beans. Won't eat any form of them. I offered her the edamame being funny thinking she would turn her nose up at it as usual but noooooo. The fucking dog loves edamame. Taylor and Grace also love edamame. Grace kept swooping in on R and grabbing whole soybean pods. That part was a bit funny but no so much when it happened to me.

While eating dinner we started watching Snakes on a Plane. R loves hokey movies and I generally put up with them. We only watched part of the movie and I'm sure we'll finish it eventually; but I have to say I cannot believe Hollywood made this movie. I'm convinced whoever came up with the premise for this movie MUST have been high at the time. It's the only thing that makes sense.

And just to complete my rambling circle total weight loss at the end of day 2 is 7 pounds.

Day 1

2009-01-05T13:18:00.000-06:00

So R & I started this 7 day diet/cleanse. I'm going to try to detail our progress here so maybe if I have to hold myself accountable to those pesky interwebs I will actually keep up with it and possibly post every single day. Ha. Right.

So day 1 was all the fruit and soup (their recipe) we can eat.

Breakfast was a glass of orange juice and an apple. I was starving by lunch but I didn't have time to eat anything so I drank mass quantities of apple juice.

Lunch was soup and a gazillion strawberries. I was so full at the end of lunch I thought I would pop.

By the time dinner rolled around I was starving again. Dinner was soup again. After two bowls of soup I hadn't weighed so I weighed just to get a number. Wow. Yeah diet full steam ahead. Not long after I finished the soup it showed exactly how it helps you lose weight. Apparently it's a fucking laxative. A joke that I swore I had lost ten pounds ended up being pretty close to the money in that I had lost 4 POUNDS IN 30 MINUTES. And I never want to eat again.

So that was day one. Wonder how day 2 will go?

Not really here

2008-12-31T07:42:00.000-06:00

Because I've been off for 6 days only to come back to work for 2 to then be back off for 4. Or you know because I'm not coherent. Here's how I felt yesterday and strangely enough again today.

more animals

We're having friends over tonight so we've been busy, busy, busy getting the house in tip top form. Or at least 75% ready. Everyone has one room that is not for public viewing, right?

Hopefully there will be good times had by all. Considering there will be liquor it shouldn't be too hard. With the last few months I've had I wonder if anyone would begrudge me if I started drinking as soon as I get home. It would probably be more considerate to wait until our guests arrive at 7:00 but I've always been one for bucking tradition.

Hope everyone has a lovely, puke free New Year's. Or you know at least that's my goal.

It's a Wonderful Life

2008-12-22T07:54:00.004-06:00

I have a wonderful wife that knows the best way to cheer me up when I'm in a bad mood. Last Friday I was in a horrendous mood (damn you Seasonal Affective Disorder!!!!) and I was seriously hating the world. So my wonderful, beautiful wife did one of the most perfect things ever. She sent me a picture of her boobs! What can make a horrid day better? Boobies!! Yeah, I'm a twelve year old boy sometimes and I just don't want to help it.

To add to the kind, giving person she is, she decided to show me an alternative to her boobies. Just to let me know how much worse off I could have it. I could have to look at these all day.

So not only do I have a wonderful wife, I have a wonderful wife who has awesome coworkers who will expose all just to make me happy. But, I will say that the phone call Friday night to sing me a serenade on his man boobies was a bit much.

Screw this

2008-12-08T07:48:00.000-06:00

I wonder if I could get my doctor to write me a note excusing me from work today. Given my mood today, and hell ANY Monday it would probably say:

"Please excuse Jennifer from work today. Mondays tend to make her a raging bitch."

I'm going to try to spend the day speaking to as few people as possible. It's probably in everyone's best interest.

Thanksgiving Recap

2008-12-03T08:17:00.004-06:00

After the whole car debacle of last week (which included a flat tire on the Pilot) I was ready to say screw it to Thanksgiving and just barricade myself in the house. Fortunately I snapped out of it and we went to R's sister's for Thanksgiving. It was a great meal and a good time. The highlights include us trying to talk her niece into busting her ass to make valedictorian so her graduation speech could include the phrase, "titties and beer." Yeah, we're classy like that.

Friday we dropped the monster, aka Grace off at the vet to get spayed. We then drove to Memphis to have Thanksgiving with my family. Our time there pretty much meant finding ways to keep Ryley out of the pond. If you didn't have your eye on her every second you could pretty much bet she was running full out for the pond.

We drove home early Saturday so we could pick Grace up before the vet closed for the weekend. And let me just say, cats on morphine are fucking hilarious. She stayed fascinated with the ceiling the entire weekend. And ya know plastic bags.

Now if I could get some of what she's on maybe this cold wouldn't seem so bad.....

stfu

2008-11-25T16:11:00.002-06:00

$800.00 for a distributor and a coil? Its times like this I wish I was more mechanically inclined. Or you know at least understood what the fuck a distributor is.

Grace said all this talk of car trouble is bringing her down.

It could have been worse....

2008-11-25T08:35:00.004-06:00

You know it's going to be a shitty day when your car dies two blocks from work. And while your car had enough momentum left to get into a nearby parking lot it kaput in the MIDDLE of the fucking parking lot.

So there I was, all 5'0 of me pushing my fucking car into a parking space. Let me say pushing it was much easier than I thought it would be, but running to jump in the car and put on the brake was much harder. The car rolls back at you a lot fucking faster than I ever realized. I came pretty close to getting hit in the face with my open driver's side door, but luckily I was able to jump in without being clothes lined by the door.

I guess I should be thankful I was wearing my lovely Doc Martins this morning rather than the high heeled boots I originally planned to wear. Nothing seems to tempt fate more than me running in high heels. It would have been an exact replay of that time we got drunk and played Chinese fire drill at a major intersection in my hometown. I of course fell while running around the front of the car. Did I mention I was in a dress too? Luckily there were no cops around to arrest me for public indecency when I flashed all those lovely people.

So yeah I guess it could have been worse. Or so I'll keep telling myself until I hear what the estimate is.

Me strange?

2008-11-20T08:18:00.003-06:00

I had a weird revelation yesterday. I found out in a discussion with a friend that I'm strange. Yeah, it was news to me too.

He and I were talking about the possibility of him using Criminal Justice as one of his focuses for his undergrad degree. I got my BA in Criminal Justice from the same school he is attending so I was tying to talk the program up. He was kinda worried because he is so fed up with law right now that he doesn't want to take any classes remotely dealing with law.

I told him I only took once law intensive class in undergrad; most of the rest of them were just really cool classes. I took Victimology, Crime & Science, Serial Crimes, Death Penalty, and one of my favorites, Death Investigation. When I mentioned Death Investigation he looked at me kinda weird which you know would be a clue for most people. I seem to be oblivious to those things. I told him that my final paper in the class was on time of death. I had to detail all the ways in which time of death could be established, ya know livor mortis, rigor mortis, all that stuff. He told me I was very strange.

I told R about it last night and she agreed with him. I'm not sure if I should be offended or if I should worry they're right.....

EVIL

2008-11-14T09:30:00.003-06:00

I left yesterday to go pick up a salad for lunch and when I returned I found this:

My coworker (formerly my friend, Chuck) is dead meat. All I have to say is it's on. I know his weaknesses and I'm not above exploiting them.

Anyone know where I can get the world's largest tarantula replica by Monday?

Grace aka Stinky

2008-11-11T15:00:00.005-06:00

It occurred to me earlier that I haven't posted any pictures of Grace since we adopted out her brother and sister. Here she is in all her glory.

Grace is what I like to call "special" in many ways. First, there's the stench. Grace has this built in defense mechanism or what some people call gas. Whenever you startle her she emits this odor, which to put it mildly, is rank. Sometimes, her defense mechanism goes off on its own and she just sits around trying to kill the entire household.

You'd think that would be "special" enough, right? Not so much. We also refer to Grace as broken. This label stems from the fact that occasionally when Grace goes to clean herself she screams at her asshole. No, not me. Her own actual asshole. Yeah, it's bizarre. Yet, strangely enough she fits right into our household.

I'm not quite sure what that says about us.

Contrast

2008-11-07T07:47:00.004-06:00

Wish me luck. I have a CT scan at 1:30 to try and diagnose this pain I've had in my side since about 3 weeks post gallbladder surgery. I'm worried that the test will take place in a closed tube. I'm claustrophobic and the idea of being in that enclosed tube had me up worrying off and on most of the night.

And to top off a bad night of sleep, I started drinking the contrast about 7:30 and let me say what in the fuck do they put in that shit? Ground up sawdust with a touch of ass? Wow. I can't have anything to drink until after the CT scan. Except for one more dose of the ass flavored, I mean vanilla flavored contrast.

So that gagging noise you hear round about 10:30 will be me trying to choke this shit down. And that cackling noise will probably be my coworker and bosses laughing their asses off at the faces I will make.

So again wish me luck and a nice dose of Valium if I end up in the closed tube.

The Little Girl

2008-10-31T09:01:00.003-05:00

In the spirit of Halloween I offer a true ghost story I wrote for submission to a ghost story site 5 years ago.

Almost every member of our family has had their share of ghostly encounters. This particular incident happened to my aunt about 14 years ago.

She lived with her husband and son in a two story home here in Arkansas. So you can get a complete understanding of the situation I have to describe the house, or more specifically the upstairs open loft area. When you walk in the front door you are in the living room and immediately to your right is a set up stairs leading up. The upstairs is totally open so you can look down over the guard rail into the living room below.

One night my aunt, uncle, and their two year-old son were downstairs in the living room. All the lights in the house were off. The only light they had was coming from the television screen. My uncle was the first one to notice the shadow. He nudged my aunt to look up. There on the wall above the television was the normal shadow of the guard rail from the loft. However, you could also see a shadow of what appeared to be a little girl.

The shadow they were seeing had the outline of a small child, maybe five or six, wearing what appeared to be a ruffled dress. My aunt and uncle freaked out.

They jumped off the couch and turned around to look up at the loft area. There was no one there. When they turned back to the wall where the shadow was cast it was gone as well. My uncle took off up the stairs and my aunt could hear him opening the closet door and the bathroom door. He came back down a few minutes later. There was of course no one up there. They decided that the shadow just looked like a girl in their mind. They knew there was no way anyone could be up there. The only way into the loft was the stairs in the living room. So they blew it off and sat back down to watch television.

Less than five minutes later they both saw the same shadow again. This time it looked like whoever was in the loft was running back and forth behind the guardrail. My uncle took off up the stairs again. But, just like the time before there was no one there. He turned the light on in the loft and came back downstairs to turn on all the lights in the living room. They talked about what had happened, and they both agreed it wasn't a dual hallucination. As they were sitting in the living room discussing it, their two year- old son woke up and my aunt picked him up and held him on her lap as she continued the discussion with her husband.

Of course being a two year-old he was squirming around trying to get their attention. This went on for about few minutes, when he suddenly stopped squirming. My aunt looked down at him to see if maybe he had fallen asleep. He was staring at the top of the stairs. My aunt wouldn't have thought anything about it except for the incident with the shadow that had already occurred twice that night. My uncle turned around to see what they were staring at. Like my aunt he saw nothing. Yet, there was my cousin staring intently at the top of the stairs. My aunt and uncle then watched in horror as he continued watching the stairs, though now he was moving his eyes down the stairs as if he was watching someone walk down them. As his eyes stopped at the bottom of the stairs he crawled down off my aunt’s lap and made his way to the bottom of the stairs. Once there he sat down and preceded to start talking (in his limited two year-old speech) to someone on the stairs. He’s yammering away as my aunt and uncle sit there frozen in fear. By this point he’s laughing and carrying on with an invisible person, who from the way he is slightly looking up is sitting on the second stair from the bottom. His parents are freaking out at this point. My aunt tells him to come back over to the couch. He stands up and starts back, turns around and waves at the stairs. They of course asked him who he was talking to. His reply, “Lisa”. There is no one in our family named Lisa. His parents don't know anyone named Lisa. My aunt is a stay-at-home mom, so it wasn't someone he met in day care. A lot of people have tried to write it off as an imaginary friend. But, no one can explain the shadow my aunt and uncle saw not once, but twice.

After that night my aunt and uncle would find my cousin playing with someone they couldn't see. He would sit and carry on conversations with this person, laughing and playing around. This went on for three whole weeks, until one night when all three of them were in the downstairs bathroom. My uncle was giving my cousin a bath and my aunt came in to talk to them. They laughed and joked around having a good time. My aunt walks out of the bathroom, but is called back in to look at something her son was doing. She sticks her head back in the door and they all laugh at whatever cute thing my cousin was doing. The only problem was they also heard a little girl laughing. They stop laughing and the little girl’s laughter stops a few seconds later. They then hear another noise. This time it sounds like its coming from the hallway, it’s a little girl giggling. My aunt and uncle looked at each other with their eyes wide in fear. My aunt turns to look over her shoulder and sees a little girl standing there. She appeared to be about five or six years old with pale skin, brown eyes and shoulder length dark hair curled into ringlets. She was wearing a light blue ruffled dress. As soon as my aunt laid eyes on her the girl stopped giggling. The little girl then ran straight at my aunt brushing past her as she ran into the room beside the bathroom. My uncle was almost to the doorway of the bathroom when he saw her run past. By the time he came out of the bathroom my aunt had pushed herself flat against the wall with her head turned staring at the doorway of the room the girl had dashed into. My uncle walked into the darkened room (which just so happens to be my cousin’s bedroom) and flipped on the lights. He tore the room apart looking for this girl, but of course there was no one there. When my aunt regained her senses she joined in the search. The only exit from the room other than the door was a window. The window was of course shut and locked with the outside screen still intact. There was no way for this girl to have left the room without them seeing her, not to even mention the short period of time from when she brushed past my aunt to when my uncle entered the room. At this point they finally believed that there was “something” in their house. Upon further questioning of my cousin they determined that the girl they had seen was in fact the girl he had been talking to and playing with for the past three weeks.

The little girl hasn't been seen since that night in the hallway. My cousin no longer played with invisible people. However, the story doesn't end there. One week after they saw the little girl my aunt found out she was two months pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl less than seven months later. The little girl had dark hair and dark eyes. When she was five years old she looked very similar to the little girl they had once seen. My aunt absolutely refused to let her daughter wear anything that resembled a ruffled dress. She also refused to curl her daughter’s hair until she was around nine or ten. We still to this day joke that she should have named her daughter Lisa.

Name calling

2008-10-30T13:35:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I know I said in the last post that my very next post would be some riveting story about how I decided to incur tens of thousands of dollars MORE in student loan debt. But, I lied. Hey, at least I'm an honest liar. I mean, a liar who tells the truth. I mean an honest person who occasionally lies.

Wait, what was the question again?

Seriously, I don't want to talk about that because I am way too superstitious and when things become more set in stone I will write that post.

But, for now. Is is normal to spend your whole lunch thinking of new insults to trade back and forth with your partner? Cause R & I do that all the time. We never call each other anything in meanness; always in jest. My personal all time favorite is and will always be ass hair. My most ridiculous one? Serpent.

I don't think we're abnormal, per say. But, I do think we're lucky we're together because no one else would probably know what to do with us and our weird sense of humor.

Another one of those damn memes

2008-10-13T12:47:00.001-05:00

I found this half finished in my drafts from many months ago so I have no idea where I got it. Let it be a place holder until I finish my riveting post on how I decided to incur thousands of dollars more in student loan debt.

32 Random Questions

1) The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is?

Ed McMan calling to inform me that I've won millions of dollars. Which would be a miracle considering I never enter stuff like that.

2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

Yes. One time upon leaving a store I found my side mirror hanging by its electrical wires due to being rammed by a shopping cart. Do you know how expensive it is to replace an electric mirror not including the repainting?!

3) In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

It truly depends on the situation. How comfortable am I with these people? Is there alcohol involved? I'm always more of a talker when you introduce alcohol. And apparently more of a singer.

4) If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?

It depends. Are there grasshoppers?

5) Do you like to ride horses?

I haven't ridden a horse in years. The last one I was on one it dumped me on my head. I would love to ride one again, provided it was well behaved.

6) Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

Nope. I can't name a single friend who did either.

7) What was your favorite board game as a kid?

I loved, loved Clue.

8) If a sexy person was pursuing you but you knew he/she was taken, what would you do?

Tell them to fuck off. Cheating does nothing but bring heartache and devastation.

9) Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?

I think it depends on how different those beliefs are. Polar opposites? Probably not. Though if R suddenly decided to start worshiping a coat rack I'd probably see about having her committed.

10) Are you continuing your education?

That is the plan. If all goes well I will start grad school full-time in August 2009 to get my master's in Social Work. While in grad school I hope to get my post certificate in marriage and family counseling.

11) Do you know how to shoot a gun?

Yes. I wish I had more training but I know the basics.

12) If the house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab?

If R and the animals were out I would probably grab our purses, my grandmother's ring, our laptops, my picture album that contains all my baby pictures and R's scrapbook with all her baby pictures. Wow, I guess I need to keep a damn shopping cart by the door in case of fire.

13) How often do you read books?

I read just about everyday. I go through phases where I devour books. I do nothing but read in all my spare time. Other times I read only when we're outside with the dog or I'm bored with everything else.

14) Do you think more about the past, present or future?

Sadly, I think I spend more time worrying about the future than living in the present. Which is a slight improvement from when I used to live in the damn past all the time.

15) What is your favorite children's book?

Favorite children's book or book read as a child? There is a distinction there. My favorite book I read as a child was Gone With the Wind.

I didn't really read many children's books. A few stick out in my mind today; Where the Red Fern Grows, Say Goodnight Gracie and This Stranger, My Father.

16) How tall are you?

Depends on who is around when you ask. If I'm alone or none of the assholes are listening I'll say 5'0. If the assholes make a big deal about it I'll say 4'11 & 3/4".

17) Where is your ideal house located?

Somewhere with lots and lots of land. I don't want to be able to see my neighbors if at all possible. My ideal world would be 20 acres all wooded except for about 2 1/2 acres in the middle where we'll stick our house.

18) Last person you talked to?

A coworker.

19) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

Years ago. Seriously the last time I can really recall was back in 2005 when R and I met for lunch one day during the week.

20) What are the keys on your key chain for?

I have a key to my car, our house, my office, Kaye's home, and the filing cabinet. My key for the Pilot is on a separate key ring.

21) What did you do last night?

Helped R make cookies for her potluck, played WOW, played with the animals and read. Wild & crazy, huh?

22) Where is your current pain at the moment?

My ass. Always my ass.

23) Do you like mustard?

Sparingly.

24) Do you like your Mom or Dad?

I love my Mom. Don't know or care to know my Dad.

25) How long does it take you in the shower?

Ten minutes maybe? If I'm shaving it takes longer of course. Or if I fall asleep.

26) What movie do you want to see right now?

A really good scary one that will scare the shit out of me or at least make me jump a few times. Anyone know of any?

27) Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?

People do this?

28) What did you do for New Years?

Strangely enough I'm drawing a blank here. We probably spent a quiet evening at home as we're not the out and about on New Years type. Last time we did that we ended up with a drunk cab driver who nearly killed us a dozen times.

29) Do you think The Grudge was scary?

I fell asleep at the end. Enough said?

30) Do you own a camera phone?

Yes, but the picture quality leaves much to be desired as evidenced by some of the pictures I've posted here.

31) What is the last letter of your middle name?

H.

32) Who did you vote for on American Idol?

I've never voted on American Idol. And I stopped watching back when it looked like Taylor Hicks was going to win.

Family Dynamics

2008-10-07T12:43:00.002-05:00

So I was planning a post on how I finally decided between non action, grad school and law school but as I sat drafting the post in the bathroom (yes, I think of posts while I pee; it's the only time I have to think about things other than work) I started with, "My parents came up from Memphis the day I had surgery." But then I had to clarify the term parents. Parents in general to me include my mother, my mother's best friend and my stepdad. In this case I am referring to my mother and her best friend who I will call Kaye.

Kaye has been in our life since I was 6 years old. She and my Mom met at work and became friends. We all came to live together when she called my Mom in the middle of the night and said she was leaving her husband could my Mom please come get her. My Mom showed up to find Kaye drunk off her ass walking down the road with two suitcases.

She was going to stay with us for a little while. Just until she could get on her feet and get her own place. However, my Mom came to like only having to pay half the bills. She was a single mother working three jobs with no child support from my dead beat father. So Kaye stayed on. We eventually moved to the suburbs where we rented a house for a few years and then proceeded to buy a new one. It was the perfect situation for both of them. Kaye is originally from up North and had no family close by. We became a happy family. My Mom's family accepted her immediately and Kaye soon become just another one of my grandmother's kids. Up until the day she died my grandmother swore she had 6 kids and 1 adopted kid.

We all lived together in the suburbs until I moved away to attend college. Two months later my Mom married my stepdad and they bought a house in a different suburb.

It wasn't until my Mom married my stepdad that people started making comments about how they were sure my Mom and Kaye were a couple when they lived together. I was totally blown away by this the first time I heard it. My Mom and Kaye were best friends and nothing more. It never occurred to me that they were more than friends. Even when I finally admitted to myself that I was a lesbian it never crossed my mind that they could be a couple or that anyone could ever think they were more than friends. My Mom dated on a regular basis. Hell, Kaye even dated my uncle for a year or so. So to hear that so many thought they were together was insane to me. Still to this day it blows my mind that people thought that.

Kaye has been in my life for 22 years. She is my other mother. There is no doubt about that in my mind. When Mother's Day comes around I buy gifts for BOTH of my mothers.

So while technically I was raised in a single parent household, I really had two parents. And I was (and still am) damn lucky that I had the best mothers ever.

RIP Quincy, 1980-2008

2008-09-24T11:39:00.003-05:00

I've been too busy to post as I've been mourning the loss of a dear loved one, Quincy. Quincy and I have been together all my life. We've shared joy; we've shared pain. And while I basically ignored him my whole life, good ole' Quincy was always there for me.

That is until last Wednesday night, when he decided that it would be fun to try and kill me. Or at least make me feel like I was dying. Yes, Quincy, my life-long companion attacked me early last Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, I had no idea where the attack was coming from so I ended up in the ER about 9:00 p.m. Wednesday night. What felt like chest pain was actually Quincy and his damn stones. Or to be more accurate, one of Quncy's minions (aka a gallstone) stuck in my bile duct.

I stayed in the hospital overnight and the next morning I met with a hitman (aka my surgeon). I gave the kill order that morning and by mid afternoon Quincy was no more. I was left with 23 staples, percocet, and wall paper paste (aka mashed potatoes)

There was a scare after surgery that Quincy had in fact gotten the last laugh as my bile duct wasn't flushing and my liver function was high on two tests. I was released Friday afternoon and I've been home since recuperating. Today I learned that Quincy's last attempt at causing me pain did indeed fail. My liver function is back to normal and I'm set to return to work Monday.

So here's to you Quincy; you useless organ. I hope the incinerator burned your ass very slowly.

Yours in Christ,

Jennifer

Swoon

2008-09-12T07:34:00.000-05:00

Saw this for the 1st time over at Syd's. All I have to say is swoon! I love Gina Gershon and I love videos mocking Palin so really nothing could be better than this video. Except for the fact that Gina Gershon is in a bikini at the end. Did I mention the swooning?

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

The very best

2008-09-11T07:43:00.000-05:00

I've been so busy and stressed that I haven't really had time to sit down and write the post I've had in the back of my head for a while.

Over Labor Day weekend R & I celebrated our 8th anniversary. 8 wonderful years.

Before R & I got together I've never had a relationship last more than a year (2 years if you can count the on and off periods). I honestly thought long term relationships weren't for me as I couldn't understand how you could be with the same person for so long and not get bored. I used to be a very fickle person and that bad personality trait always seemed to manifest itself in my relationships. And then I met R. And let me say WOW.

I haven't had a fickle moment since I met her. I never had those doubts. I never looked just to keep my options open. I never sat and wondered if there was someone else out there who was better for me. I guess I instinctively knew that there wasn't someone better. I finally found the right one. I finally found the one person I was meant to be with. I could stop looking and worrying and just breathe.

Everything in my relationship with R is so completely and totally different than every other relationship I have ever had. Not only do I love R; I truly like her. I like being with her and around her and I enjoy all the time we spend together. Sometimes we stop and ask each other if we're normal in our need and want to spend all our time together. We look at other couples and don't see that. We don't go out with our friends separately. Not because the other would get mad or upset but because we WANT to be with each other. We don't do things separately very often. If one of us needs alone time or space we just retreat a bit; to another room, to a separate activity, etc. Yes, sometimes we wonder if we're normal but really neither of us mind.

She's my best friend. Whenever I have a bad day and just can't take anymore if I can just stop and focus for one minute on her then I'm better. Maybe not 100% but I can breathe again. Just knowing she's there at the end of the worst day makes things so much better. Again it's like even when I get stressed out and worked up if I can just think about her and us I can make it through anything.

Happy Anniversary, baby. Thank you for the best 8 years of my life.

Love it!

2008-09-04T12:52:00.003-05:00

This display of clips showcasing Republicans' back and forth take on sexism and female candidates is fucking priceless.

I <3 Jon Stewart.

Holy shit

2008-08-19T07:54:00.003-05:00

Can someone please explain to me how this is a good idea? I cannot fathom how someone got the balls to bring this resolution up for a vote let alone the fact that the damn school board voted unanimously to allow teachers to carry GUNS TO SCHOOL!

Wow is pretty much all I can say. Because we all know that no teacher would ever screw up and leave their gun unattended or hell even if they're carrying it on them at all times aren't they just giving some pissed off kid easy access to a gun? How hard would it be for some high school kid to overpower an adult? Not that hard.

The fact that the parents didn't object to this amazes me.

I'm pretty much speechless.

Tequila

2008-08-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

I would like to propose a new law. It involves tequila and food. Or better yet tequila and a lack of food. I think before any waiter or waitress serves someone tequila they should also inquire as to the last time that person ate. It would prevent many headaches and a whole lot of embarrassment. Although it did provide much enjoyment for me the next day when I was reminded of all the wonderful things I did & said the night before.

Apparently I threatened to sue Sonic for false advertising.

I was also extremely upset by the fact that Sonic had the instructions on how to make drinks and blasts on the outside of the drive-thru window. (they didn't)

I also forgot how to say cake in Spanish so instead I listed off all the ingredients in hopes that they would be able to understand what I was asking for. However, I could only remember two ingredients so instead I kept asking for milk and eggs. And since I couldn't think of how to say flour I instead kept asking for pan (aka bread).

Tequila=many laughs for the sober ones

Because the stress has sucked the life out of me

2008-08-08T12:13:00.004-05:00

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes, I have. More than once in fact.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

I try really hard not to but sometimes it happens involuntarily.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?

Wow. A loooong ass time ago. And now that I think about it...I've never been sledding on a traditional sled. We rarely ever get snow in the MidSouth and even rarer still do we get enough snow to sled in so no one I know even owns one. However, back in 8th grade my bff & I used trash can lids to "sled" down the street during the huge ice storm. Busted my ass so many times I could barely sit down.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

I would much rather sleep with R than alone.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, I do. My family has a history of being haunted by various ghosts and such. Just mention "George" to R and she flips out.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

My first reaction is no, I don't. However, I would like to think that somewhere deep inside me is a creative streak.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

There are people out there who think he didn't?? Wow.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Angelina hands down. She's actually at the top of my list :) And besides, Jennifer Aniston does nothing for me.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?

I've only successfully stayed friends with one ex and sadly we lost touch a long time ago. I really miss him! So Markel if you're out there, call me!

10. Do you know how to play poker?

Yes. I even think I understand how to play Texas Hold 'Em. Well, except for the whole betting thing. That really confuses me. I'm not allowed to play for money anyway. I have a tendency to try to bluff every single hand. And I never, ever fold. Even with shit cards.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Yes and it was scary and something I would prefer to forget. I get jittery if I don't have enough sleep every night so me with no sleep for 2 days is a thing of nightmares.

12. What's your favorite commercial?

I refuse to answer this question on the basis of possible ridicule.

13. What are you allergic to?

feather pillows which sucked a lot for me until I realized I could buy the ones with the faux down. They're still not as nice as feather pillows but they're MUCH better than regular cotton filled ones.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

Nope. I'd end up getting caught. It's just how my luck tends to run.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Doesn't everyone?

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

I don't really care for baseball. Or sports in general for that matter.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Talk about horrible memories. And horrible pain! The one time I went I could only stand up by holding onto the walls. Did I mention it was horrible?

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Not that often. Most of the time if I do it's because it was scary or upsetting in some way. Lately I've been waking up with the remnants of a dream in my mind but the harder I try to remember it the faster it goes away.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

The time I got tore up a few weeks ago when I attempted to break my all time record of liquor intake. I can't remember what I was laughing about though.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Sure can't.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?

Trying to figure out if stress can make you suddenly develop an eye twitch. My right eye has been twitching all day & it's freaking me the fuck out!

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?

Am I supposed to?

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Always, always, always. Well, at least since I was hit head on when I was 16. That was also the time I learned the value of the air bag. Scary times.

24. What cell service do you use?

Alltel. But, I guess it's Verizon now. I don't even know anyone who has Verizon. Yay or nay? We have until the end of the year to decide whether or not to renew our contract with Alltel thus locking Verizon into honoring the plan we have now.

25. Do you like Sushi?

NOM, NOM, NOM. Is that answer enough?

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

Accident? No. Fatality, yes? What can I say? I have some crazy ex-girlfriends.

27. What do you wear to bed?

Nothing.

28. Been caught stealing?

Great. Now I have that damn song stuck in my head. But, to answer the question- I might have as a kid.

29. what shoe size do you have?

Depends on the shoe. I can wear anywhere from like a 5 1/2 to a 7 1/2.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

I try really hard not to.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

I enjoy both. Just depends on the song and the mood.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

If I was single, Angeline Jolie. Although at this point she's scaring me with how skinny she is. I'd probably insist she gain some weight. I'd hate to break her.

33. Favorite Song?

I've never been able to answer this question. I probably have tons of favorite songs. Depends on the genre, mood, the day.... My favorite "deep" song is Metallica's "One." My favorite nostalgic song is Charlie Daniels "Drinkin' my baby goodbye." My current favorite is a song from the new Sugarland album "It Happens."

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?

Hasn't everyone?

35. What food do you find disgusting?

Balut.

36. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?

Isn't that like a childhood rite of passage?

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

I did this a lot when I was younger.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

Many, many times. I have a tendency to favor the underdog and I take it personally when an injustice occurs or when someone harms another person (i.e. bullying, domestic & child abuse, etc.)

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Yes, and it hurt like a bitch everytime.

Knee deep in kitttens or how I spent my weekend

2008-07-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, many years ago R & I did a really, really stupid thing. We fed a stray cat. Our neighbors had a billion cats that they didn't take care of. We called the humane society but they refused to get involved and since we live outside city limits we have no animal control. This one cat kept coming to our house and she was sooooo cute. And sooooo skinny. So we fed her and she stuck around. And had kittens at our house. She died when the kittens were young and we were unable to get our hands on them. So 2 feral kittens became more feral kittens when they mated with the other neighborhood strays.

We've been catching the cats as we can and getting them fixed. However, one of them has been too slippery for us to catch and so we weren't really shocked when we looked outside a few weeks ago to see Fuffy with 4 teeny, tiny kittens. Fast forward to 3 weekends ago when we look outside to see all 4 kittens and Fuffy under our Honda Pilot. We assumed she was in the process of moving them and was just pausing briefly under our SUV. Not so much. Fuffy, not the world's brightest cat, decided that the best place to keep her kittens was under our SUV. So the following Monday R goes to get in the Pilot assuming the kittens would scamper off when she approached. Not so much. Instead they scampered up into the engine of the SUV. We opened the hood and was able to pull 2 of them out. However, the other 2 alluded us and therefore the Pilot was unable to be driven. The next day they again alluded us. By Wednesday we had gotten better and we were able to pull all 4 out, put them in a box and then put them in the yard, far away from the car. Thursday morning they were in the engine again. Again we pulled them out and placed them as far from the car as we could. That night we parked both cars behind the house in hopes Fuffy would find some other place for her kittens. We knew we were taking a risk that she would move them somewhere we wouldn't be able to get our hands on them but we also knew we couldn't keep removing the kittens from the engine each and every morning.

Luckily moving the car worked and Fuffy moved the kittens under our house. Yippee. Kittens under the house. Better than under the car I guess. We knew we had to give them a few weeks to start weening before we could take them from Fuffy. Our ultimate goal was to get Fuffy and all 4 kittens. We would take them inside and get them used to being touched. We already knew a few people who wanted kittens so we needed them to be as tame as possible. If we couldn't make Fuffy less feral acting then we would get her fixed and put her back outside once the kittens were adopted out. We decided last week was the week we were bringing them all in.

We pissed off our own cats by changing up the guest bedroom (a.k.a their bedroom) so we could prepare for the "guests." I bought some kitten food, extra bowls and disposable litter boxes. We were ready. Late last Saturday afternoon I went outside with a bowl of kitten food and a paper plate of tuna. I thought it would be sooo easy. I must have been delusional. I sat under the damn porch forever. R came out at one point and laughed at my attempts to draw them out. I threw tuna towards the entrance they used to get under the house. More of it hit the side of the house than anywhere near the entrance. R abandoned me when I started pelting the side of the house with kitten food in my attempt to get it into the entrance.

I didn't give up. Probably about 15 minutes later "Grant" came out see what the commotion and smell was. He stayed just out of reach so I kept flinging cat food at his feet until I lured him close enough to grab. I grabbed "Grant" and crawled out from under the porch. Keep in mind it is summer in Arkansas. I'm poring sweat and I'm covered in dirt and leaves and I have a billion mosquito bites. But, I caught me a kitten! I took him inside and handed him to R. I went back outside and started act 2 of kitten nabbing. I caught "Bartholomew" the same way I caught "Grant." Toss some kitten food until I was tossing it so close to me he had to come within my reach. I took "Bartholomew" in to R and grabbed the rest of the can of tuna and the entire bag of kitten food. I sat under the porch FOREVER waiting on the last 2. I got the last two within reach by flinging tuna in their direction. Unfortunately they both came at once and I knew I would only get one shot. I grabbed the bigger who that was closest as I also reached for the runt. The runt got away. I took "Lucien" in to R and we got them all set up. We've been taking them out of the kennel to play and hold them so they get used to and like people. We blocked off all the places they could hide where we couldn't easily reach them and let them run free in the room for a few hours last night. Nothing relives stress more than watching kittens body slam each other. Totally awesome.

We think we have takers for all 3 kittens. I hope we do!!! I'd still like to get the runt but I think I blew my chances Saturday. We'll just have to trap Fuffy and get her spayed and release her. And of course hope that we can catch the runt later or pray that he's a boy.

One good thing about this whole incident is I can now add this to my list of why our neighbors think we are bat shit crazy. First we start with climbing under the SUV first thing in the morning before work for three days in a row. Followed immediately by plucking kittens out of the engine, taking them to the edge of the house and sprinting back for the car. That was only topped by me sitting under our FRONT porch for close to 2 hours this Saturday flinging tuna & kitten food at the house.

Some of our neighbors already steer clear because we're "the lesbians." Hopefully now they'll stay clear because we're "the crazy."

And just so you understand the level of cuteness...I now present pictures taken with a REAL camera!!

The birthday so far

2008-07-24T10:32:00.003-05:00

Having R sing happy birthday while barely awake at 12:42 a.m.-endearing

Waking up at 2:30 a.m. for no reason and being unable to go back to sleep- sucky

Watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent from 3:00 a.m.-4:30 a.m.-strange way to kick start my birthday

Showering at 4:30 a.m.-bizarre

Sitting in line at Starbucks & my favorite donut place at 5:30 a.m. & 5:45 respectively-
surprisingly exhilarating

Having a birthday breakfast of a Triple Venti Nonfat, Wet Cappuccino & a fried cinnamon roll-downright decadent

Getting to work before 7:00 a.m.-should be a crime

Getting the lion's share of my "second job" done before 8:00 a.m.-makes me giddy

Knowing I'm off tomorrow-such a wonderful feeling I can't even think about it lest I start daydreaming about all the things I can get accomplished tomorrow

The fact that I'm spending my day off running around doing errand instead of relaxing-sad as hell

Amount of sense I made in this post-none

If you need me I'll be taking my lunch break to take out a restraining Order....

2008-07-22T11:54:00.002-05:00

I would like to preface this by saying I am not one to freak out over little things***

So in case something happens to me I think the first place anyone should look is the copier people we use at work.

Apparently they are stalking me. I was innocently sitting at the front desk this morning looking through the mail when an older, well-dressed (think suit & tie) gentleman comes in the front door.

He looked at me and said, "Jennifer?" I said yes. He said, "And Thursday is?" I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Excuse me?" He again replied, "And Thursday is?" I think I just stared at him blankly that time. After a few seconds of my confused stare he handed me a flyer with a picture of a birthday cake that said:

Happy Birthday Jennifer LastName (which was misspelled)
July 24th

It had the copy company's logo on the bottom. I looked at it (very confused) and said thanks. He said you're welcome and walked outside, got into a Mercedes SUV and drove away.

First things first. We only hired this copier company last week so it's not like we're longtime customers.

Second, I've never had ANY contact with the copier company.

Third, Why in the hell would they drive around town to deliver birthday flyers? In a Mercedes SUV no less!Do they know how much gas costs?

Fourth, how did they A) Know my full name and B) know it was my birthday

We're a small firm. I asked everyone here and they have no idea how the copier people got my name or knew it was my birthday. So it's obvious that the one time the repairman was here he went back to his office and told everyone how lovely I was and now they are stalking me.

***by "I am not one to freak out over little things" I really mean--I tend to freak out & focus on weird shit that happens to me.

No vacancies

2008-07-18T12:40:00.005-05:00

I swear every picture I post starts with the disclaimer: sorry for the crappy cell phone pic.

Hell, why change anything today?

This is what the bed looked like when I went to get into it last night. Not pictured is Leroy sprawled out beside her once I came back from putting the phone up. Sorry again for the crappy cell phone pic.

I swear one day I'll take a picture with a real live camera. If I can find one. Or remember how to operate it once I locate it.

I remember back in the day when R & I swore we would never let the dog sleep in the bed. We stayed true to our resolve for a whole year! And then after forgetting the baby gate at the cabin we rented for our anniversary we kinda enjoyed the cute, warm puppy sprawled at our feet. So once we got home we let her sleep in the bed. And she's slowly but surely taking up more and more room. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she is now fully grown. It has more to do with her impression that WE are encroaching on her bed space and she needs to take it back at all costs.

Also not pictured is Ryley laying lengthwise on my side of the bed putting her hind legs in my stomach and shoving for all she's worth.

In addition to having to constantly fight for bed space I also woke up roughly every 30-45 minutes last night. I'm tired and the bed thievery will not fly tonight. Tonight I will be taking back the bed. Or you know, sleeping on the floor. Whatever.

"The Vacation"

2008-07-16T16:51:00.003-05:00

You know it sucked when you refer to it in quotation marks. I like to relax on my vacations. But, honestly everytime we go to the river I end up being more tired when we leave then when we got there. Usually the only down time comes from waiting on the shower or early evening after you've spent the entire day running around (making breakfast, cleaning up, getting ready to get on the river, transporting to the river, swimming, transporting back to camp, unloading, showering, preparing for dinner, cleaning up, etc.). This time was even worse as my stepfather and I finally butted heads.

He has been married to my Mom for going on 10 years now. I've always referred to him as a redneck. He's very firm in his opinions on minorities and gays. Usually he sticks with one snide comment in the middle of a conversation and moves on. While we were at the river he went much further and began making horrible racist remarks. His comments were so bad I don't even feel comfortable repeating them here. The simplified version of his comments basically involved eradicating a different race. I was so offended I was in shock at first. After the 3rd comment of this nature I kind of lost it. I honestly don't remember how I even started in but I know it soon progressed to a heated argument. A very heated argument. I don't cuss a lot in front of my mother or other relatives. I'm not sure why I don't; I think it's a matter of how I was raised and it just seems disrespectful. This argument was so bad and so out of control I probably said fuck at least a dozen times. I threw all caution to the wind and just let loose. I think I was tired of 10 years of slurs and such and I was just done.

Unfortunately, when I get mad I cry, which pisses me off even more which of course makes me cry even harder. Sucks to be me when I'm angry. So there we are at their property on the river. They have an acre on the water with neighbors on either side. Luckily for us the closest neighbors were probably too far away to hear anything other than loud arguing. I really hope they didn't hear the words I was yelling. Because I was yelling his words right back at him. It was bad. R got involved when it began escalating. She was also extremely offended by his comments and his reasonings behind them.

The situation got worse when my Mom interjected. She was in their camper when we started arguing and she came out and immediately took his side. She said, "You know he just says things to irritate people. You know he doesn't mean it." When I stated that his comments went too far and were not acceptable to say at ANY time; that blind hatred will never make this world a better place, she started in with her own racist comments. Her interjection is the straw that broke the camel's back. I know my Mom has changed since she has been married to him. I was raised to be very accepting of other people. I never heard my Mom make a racist comment until she met him. This coupled with the fact that she took his side without hearing the comments he made. She just defended him. She kept on and on until finally I said I wasn't talking about it anymore and after repeatedly stating that they finally dropped it. My Mom and her friend left to go to the grocery store and my stepdad and his friend left to take the boat out. Since I was moments from really losing it I grabbed R & we grabbed Ryley and took off down the road walking, trying to blow off steam away from them.

I was extremely hurt by not only my stepdad's words and my Mom's unequivocal defense of his statements but also by what he left unsaid. When he mentioned eradicating an entire race I asked who was next on his list of most hated. What group would he have die next? He said we'll see. However, his answer need not be stated aloud. I know his feelings on gay people. He disowned his brother when his brother came out. They've progressed to at least speaking on the phone but my stepdad only does it because he feels pressured to do so by his mother and my Mom. He knows R & I are together. R has come to just about every family event over the last 8 years. He knows. He'll ask my Mom but won't grow the balls to ask me himself. I'm fine with that. We don't talk about it. If he asks he asks. He doesn't treat R or I any different, nor do any of my other family members. But, he vehemently hates a portion of the world's population and by hating them he hates me. His comments hurt, but his unsaid comments hurt worse. I know he wishes all gay people would become straight or just disappear. I'm gay, I'm one of those people. Does he want me to die as well? And does my Mom realize how hurtful it is for him to want to kill people just like me?

We were planning to leave the next day and rather than leave in a huff that night and give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he hurt me we stayed that night. My Mom approached me a few hours after the showdown ended and tried to defend him again. I told her I didn't want to talk about it.

My response to having to stay and suffer through that night and the next morning? Parrot Bay. Followed by more Parrot Bay. Basically I got as shit faced as fast as I could so I could escape to our tent and pass out. It worked pretty well. I went to the tent for something, laid down on the air mattress and promptly passed out. We woke up the next morning and busted ass getting our stuff torn down and loaded up. My Mom approached me the next morning and asked me not to hold her redneck husband against her. I hugged her and said she we're ok. My stepdad hugged both R & I before we left and said he loved us.

The blowup occurred 11 days ago and I am still seething inside. I'm mad at my stepdad and I'm mad at my Mom. I'm really trying to let it go but I am having an incredibly hard time doing so. I called my Mom Saturday to inquire about the symptoms of appendicitis and my stepdad made another stupid, racist comment in the background. I blew it off as I have done in the past, but my rope is much shorter on this issue than it has previously been. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle being around him for long periods of time. I've pretty much decided that we we're canceling our Labor day trip to the river as I worry that it will be too much too soon. Maybe I'll be better equipped to deal with him by Thanksgiving. Or maybe Christmas. Or you know, never.

Lazy Meme

2008-07-11T09:42:00.000-05:00

Because I'm too lazy to think of anything else. Borrowed from Maria a long, long time ago.

The Alphabet Meme.

A is for your age:

27 soon to be 28. Which really freaks me the fuck out as I remember when my Mom was 28. Because I was like 8. Nothing like thinking that thought to freak my ovaries out.

B is for your burger of choice:

I don't really have a favorite burger. If it's medium rare (closer to rare), has cheese on it and tastes halfway decent I'll probably eat it.

C is for the car that you drive:

I have a 10 year old Honda Civic. I talked R into buying a Honda Pilot a year ago. Ya know before gas prices started soaring towards $4.00 a gallon.

D is for dog's name:

She has so many. Ryley Jean if you are exasperated with her. Ryley J. Dog if you are trying to make her wag her whole body. We also call her Punky Dog, Rye, Puppy, Rydog, Puptart, Pup-a-lup, Ryley DogDog, the list could go on forever.

E is for an essential item you use each day:

I'd love to say something deep and meaningful here like a book of inspirational quotes that helps me start my day or a recycling bin; you know something that makes me look like a good, sensible person. Honestly my essential item is my Philosophy Purity Made Simple face cleanser. Because nothing says indulgent like paying that much money for facial wash. But, hey Sephora has already offered me a birthday present and my birthday is still 13 days away. It just goes to show that Sephora loves me best. And you know they want me to spend more money. Whatever.

F is for your favorite television show:

I really can't pick one. It really depends on my mood and if we're talking about new shows or old shows. I think the show that I most look forward to each new season is Bones. Or the Closer. My favorite tv show that is no longer around is Golden Girls. Followed closely by Queer as Folk.

G is for favorite game:

World of Warcraft. Followed closely by the Silent Hill series.

H is for hometown:

Bartlett. Which no one has ever heard of. It's a nice suburb of the not so nice city of Memphis.

I is for instruments played:

That would be a big fat NONE. We did learn to play recorders in my 5th grade music class. That would probably count for something if I remembered how to play. Or you know ever even really learned it.

J is for favorite juice:

Pomegranate. Mmmmmm. With X-Rated Vodka! Or ya know all by itself if you're trying to let your liver survive a little longer than the rest of us alkies.

K is for what you'd like to kick:

This whole chocolate craze I've been on for over a month now. Pretty much if it's chocolate you'd better keep it away from me.

L is for last restaurant you dined at:

Colton's with R's ex-boyfriend and his wife. No, it wasn't awkward at all. Except for the fact that he hates me and only talks about motorcycles and engines and all the shit I have no interest in.

M is for your favorite muppet:

Probably Animal or Gonzo. Because they're both crazy and under appreciated. Kinda like me.

N is for number of piercings you have:

Currently I have 5. 3 in my right ear & 2 in my left. At one point I had 9 piercings. 8 in my ears and 1 in my tongue.

O is for overnight hospital stays:

Zero. Unless you count when I was born.

P is for people you were with today:

My wonderful R who is one year older today. She may be one year older but she's still the best woman I know. And the sexiest.

Q is for what you do in quiet times:

What is this quiet time you speak of? Really the only quiet time I have is in between kicks when outside kicking the ball for the dog. Usually if I have quiet time I read or play Warcraft.

R is for regrets:

I have many regrets. I regret fucking around in high school and the beginning of college. I regret ever getting a credit card when I moved out on my own. I regret getting an apartment with my ex. I regret running away when I was 17. I regret most of my past relationships. I regret spending excessively. I regret responding to that email that got me fired from that job. I regret letting myself get so out of shape. I regret not spending more time with my loved ones that are no longer with me. I regret so much. However, I wouldn't change a single thing, not even the most horrible experiences in my life. Because those experiences have made me who I am today. And they made me the person I was eight years ago when I met and fell in love with the love of my life. If I changed something would we have met? Would I have been the person I was then? Would she still have fallen in love with me? I wouldn't trade anything for her so I don't mind living with a a past that I look back on with many regrets.

S is for status:

According to the state of Arkansas and most states in the U.S. I'm single. But, in my heart I'm married to a wonderful woman.

T is for time you woke up today:

Well, I originally woke up at 1:00 a.m. to sing happy birthday to my girl. But, she told me to shut up so I got up at my normal time of 5:20.

U is for what you consider unique:

On me? My eyes. They're my one great feature. In general? Probably the ability of the human race to be so fucking cruel to one another.

V is for favorite vegetable:

Do mushrooms count as a veggie? I looooove me some mushrooms. Even though I've had food poisoning from eating them no less than 4 times. My love for them is great enough that I'm willing to take the risk.

W is for your worst habit:

Probably stressing myself out over small stuff. I swear it's getting to the point that I don't feel like I'm ever relaxed as I'm always worrying about something.

X is for x-rays you have had:

My chest, foot and arms are the only ones I can think of.

Y is for yummy food you ate today:

I am currently eating the wonderful cherries that R bought us as a special prize. Seriously, are cherries this expensive everywhere in the country??

Z is for zodiac sign:

I am a Leo. Except most people see me having the exact opposite qualities of a Leo. People that really know me know that I really am a Leo at heart.

Silly

2008-07-08T12:07:00.001-05:00

Really one of the only good times this past holiday weekend involved driving by the entry sign for this neighborhood.

In case you can't tell from the crappy cell phone picture the name of the neighborhood is Morning Wood.

This just goes to prove that everyone has an inner 12 year old boy that occasionally likes to show his ass. I guffaw every time I see that damn sign.

A worthy cause

2008-06-29T10:23:00.001-05:00

By request of my favorite weekly read, PostSecret.

Hopeline Network, which operates the 1-800-SUICIDE hotline, needs help to stay private. Check out the video and see what you can do.

A different kind of meme

2008-06-25T07:25:00.000-05:00

The questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you attend?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. Where would you go on your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. Choose one word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name?

Directions:

Go to Flickr and for each question type your answer in the search box

Using only the images on the first page of search results, select one picture (the picture that best describes you answer, the picture that calls out to you, whatever just pick one)

Copy the URL of your chosen picture

Once you have a URL for each answer go over to Mosaic Maker and create your own mosaic.

Meme idea borrowed from A Perfect Anomaly

Photos credited to:
1. Jennifer, 2. seafood grill (for 2), 3. Bolton High School, 4. Gizmo, 5. angkor wat ..., 6. break di vanità, 7. Lake Pukaki, New Zealand, 8. Melting Chocolate, 9. Judges, 10. dark carnival,
11. FOGGY DAYS .., 12. Moon Rainbow

Save me!

2008-06-13T07:37:00.001-05:00

I am finally validated! This morning a client told me I gave good directions! I almost fainted from the shock! I'm the person who has no idea what direction they are going on five of the six interstates in our metropolitan area. And honestly, the one I do know, I have to stop and think about it before I can even say if I am going East or West. And basically the only way I know is for me to ask myself if I'm heading towards Memphis or Oklahoma. Sad, huh? And that isn't even the interstate I travel everyday! The scary part is I have to give directions to clients ALL THE TIME. It's a miracle they don't curse my name as soon as they walk in the door.

And on an even scarier note; as if I needed another reason NOT to watch Fox News. The idea of hearing this man speak to America as a political commentator makes me gag.

Comcast, why hast thou forsaken me?

2008-06-06T12:47:00.003-05:00

We have satellite, telephone & DSL through AT&T. We've had service with them for 4 years now and I am so ready to get out from under them I want to scream. The satellite goes out if it rains or the wind blows too hard. And I hate paying for a home phone we rarely use. And to use DSL we of course have to have a phone line.

Earlier this morning I asked R to call Comcast to find out if we would get service in our area. We've always been told no before but recently our town was annexed by the town we previously lived in. A town where we had Comcast. Oh wonderful and beautiful Comcast with their digital cable and their cable modems. So she called and they said no.

My response?

"Well did you call her a cunt whore and inform her that she was crushing my hopes & dreams?"

I'm only slightly bitter. The rest of me is still off in the dream land we call being able to watch the news to see if the freaking tornado is breathing down our necks.

Day 26 & an explanation

2008-05-29T07:45:00.000-05:00

Today is day 26 of my diet. I went to the doctor last night for my monthly weigh in and visit. I've lost 14 lbs. My blood pressure at the last visit was slightly high. It is now back in the normal range.

I also got the results of the blood work they did on my last visit. Everything checked out fine with the exception of my iron count. Turns out I am slightly anemic. It explains why I feel so tired all the time.

My tiredness matched with my new found energy levels makes for interesting times. If I give in to the tiredness then I just kind of collapse around 8:00 each night. If I don't give in and I keep moving I will be up till 1:00 a.m. cleaning.

While I would prefer some kind of middle ground on my energy I sure wouldn't mind keeping the energy bursts a few times a week. But, this tiredness has got to go.

I'm off to celebrate my weight loss with a new outfit. Luckily online shopping doesn't take too much energy :)

Day 17

2008-05-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm still here. Just seems like all my energy is reserved for things other than this blog. But, I'm going to try to write here more often.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's currently day 17 of my diet. Woohoo! And by Woohoo! I mean damn it what I wouldn't give for a fucking burrito or something other than the same shit I've been eating for 17 days now.

I go back to the doctor a week from tomorrow for a weigh in. I'm excited & nervous. I hate getting on the scale. Hate, hate, hate. But, I know it is a necessary evil. I just hope I've lost enough to earn one of my rewards.

I really don't even know what my ultimate goal is. I don't want to set a number and then be disappointed if I never reach it. I want to reach a place I am comfortable and honestly the number doesn't bother me. I don't want to say I want to weigh 125 lbs and then spend the rest of my life trying to attain that goal.

I want to be healthy; that's really all that matters.

So while I may bitch about not getting that burrito, I definitely don't think I'll miss it that much when I'm shopping for new clothes.

Slogan

2008-04-30T12:24:00.003-05:00

You should start praying if you EVER hear these words come out of my mouth!

Your Slogan Should Be

Jennifer. What's the Worst that Can Happen?

The Slogan Generator

Live Blogging: The Manhunt

2008-04-27T21:21:00.002-05:00

8:27 p.m. The phone rings. A family friend calls to say that her husband went out to grab food and at the end of our road there is a whole slew of cops; city, county, state, etc. Apparently there is a manhunt going on. A traffic stop gone bad and the guy shot at the cop. We find out they are searching about 4 streets over. So of course we start preparing for battle. I have my baseball bat. R has her gun and her "war club."

8:39 We call R's sister who has a scanner. She starts listening as well as she doesn't live that far from us.

8:51 R's sister calls to say they've spotted him on Cypress. Which is two streets over from us. But, no that was a false alarm. Wasn't the guy.

8:59 They are still looking a few streets over from us. Apparently he tried to bust in the back door of a home in his attempt to get away from the cops. We're turning all our outside lights on.

9:07 He seems to be going away from the house now.

9:20 He's still on the run. The baseball is digging into my side. I may never go to sleep tonight.

9:39 The news just broke in. Apparently the guy drug a local cop behind his vehicle when the cop pulled him over. He's still running though. Never going to sleep.

11:35 Ryley needs to go outside. I'm so freaked out I'm convinced the guy is hiding in our backyard and Ryley will startle him and he'll hurt her. So I'm standing on the back porch with a baseball bat in one hand and a Maglite in the other.

Updated: He turned himself in this morning. Bastard. The least he could have done was turn himself in last night so I could have gotten a good night's rest. Fucker.

Hell in a hand basket

2008-04-25T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm so going to hell.

The first of the repairmen were at our place Wednesday to fix the damage caused by the tornado earlier this month. R was at home on the phone with me while they were outside working. I asked what they were doing and she said they were talking to our next door neighbor Susan*. My immediate response? "You tell those guys to get back to work, I'm not paying them to talk to crack whores!"

To say we despise our neighbors would be a major understatement. Susan is the woman who once told R that she found a used condom on the ground beside her home but she knew it wasn't hers (Susan's) because she at least had the decency to throw hers away. She wouldn't want her kid stumbling upon it.

We are truly surrounded by some special people. The guy that lives on the other side of us once crashed his truck through our fence and instead of coming over to let us know he just left it there. We woke up the next morning with a truck through our fence. And he had the nerve to get mad when we called the cops. We didn't know who the truck belonged to, we just knew there was some random truck crashed into our fence. And his story about how the truck must have "rolled" out of his driveway is physically impossible to say the least.

Then there's the 14 year old who had a baby.

If the Year of Debt Free continues to fall into place as planned we can hopefully be out of there within a year.

I just hope we can survive it. These people seem to be getting crazier.

* name changed to protect the stupid.

Yet another reason I love her....

2008-04-23T08:56:00.004-05:00

Reason number 3,653,891 why I love R:

When I get a new haircut that involves more than my normal wash and go I can always get her to brandish the curling iron on the back of my head.

Of course the fact that I can steal her shoes far outweighs any hair doing abilities she may have. And her boobs.

And of course if she wanted to hire a maid or take me here I would forever absolve her of having to do my hair.

Forever meaning until tomorrow.

Isn't love grand?

The battle

2008-04-18T11:48:00.002-05:00

As if the tornado damage wasn't enough we now have the insurance company ripping us a new one.

Apparently, we do not have a replacement policy, only an actual cash value policy. Let this be a lesson--go read your homeowners policy right now. You need both.

The agent who sold us the policy said we had both. The adjuster said we didn't. Depressingly, the adjuster was right. So now they are paying us half of what they estimate it will cost to repair all of our damages.

Who the fuck knew you could depreciate the cost of labor? You can in Arkansas. Believe me I've already checked with the insurance commission. So basically they can screw us all they want and all we can do is smile and take it.

This tornado has taught me two things.

1) I'm truly blessed to have all that I have-family, shelter, insurance, etc.

2) You should have complete comprehension of you insurance policy-what is has and what it lacks.

Ok and maybe a 3rd.

3) You can add, "and there it was coming over the hill like a freight train," in a hickish accent to ANY conversation and I will laugh my ass off.

The Couples Meme

2008-04-15T07:27:00.001-05:00

Figured I might as well jump on the bandwagon....

1. How long have you been together? a little over 7 1/2 years.

2. Who pursued who? I think it was a mutual thing. We started out as just friends because neither of us were looking for more. And then the feelings were there and I think we were both pretty powerless to do anything other than give in to them.

3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? R proposed with a beautiful ring in January 2002. She wears a titanium band.

4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together? Honestly, I don't remember any issues coming about when we began living together.

5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning? Are we talking as a whole or on individual aspects? I take waaay longer on make-up & clothes. She takes waaay longer on hair.

6. Do you usually eat breakfast together? Only on weekends.

7. Do you ever share clothes? Nope. She's tiny & I'm not. I do however "borrow" her shoes.

8. Who does most of the cooking? She does on weeknights because she gets home an hour & a half before I do. We usually share the responsibilities on weekends.

9. Who usually takes out the trash? I take it out occasionally. But, I forget more often than not.

10. If you have pets, who usually does litter box or poop patrol? Not me. I occasionally help but for some reason when I do it it becomes a two person job whereas when R does she can do it alone with no help. Wonder what that says about me?

11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings? Me. R never answers the phone unless I'm not home and she recognizes the number on caller ID.

12. Who’s in charge of the remote if you’re watching TV together? Me. R doesn't like TV that much.

13. Who usually drives when you go out together? We usually trade off. Unless we're driving in Memphis & then it's all me.

14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house? Not me. I've killed a spider or two out of sheer necessity but I'd much rather R take care of them. Grasshoppers are a whole different story. I will sooner lock myself in a closet than go near a grasshopper to kill it.

15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side? We both sleep on the left according to R. A more accurate representation puts her on the left and me in the middle or wherever the dog lets me sleep.

16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox? I guess R. I never remember (or care) to get it.

17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it? We're both likely to try our hands at fixing it before calling someone unless it's something totally beyond our capabilities. I'm more likely to call the repair person.

18. Who is generally the neater of you? Probably me.

19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills? Totally me. This is the year of debt reduction & I am the debt natzi.

20. What was your last fight/disagreement about? It was last week. We were both tired & stressed (still are) due to normal life things & the whole storm damage shit & we got snippy with each other.

21. When you slow dance together, who leads? She does as she's like 4" taller than me.

22. What do you love the most about your other half? She's the most caring person I've ever met. And she puts up with my shit!

Lucky

2008-04-07T12:14:00.002-05:00

Thursday night was a very lucky night for us. R & I were in the living room just before 9:00 p.m. when we saw that there was a tornado warning for the next county. R got up and said we needed to take the animals and head to her sister's. I honestly thought we should wait it out but I said nothing and just helped get everyone out the door.

We stepped out the door to tornado sirens. We traveled to her sister's who lives a mere 1 1/2 mile from us.

We watched the television at her sister's; constantly vigilant to hear about any rotation. No news channel was breaking in with severe weather updates so we assumed all was clear. One news channel said the storm was in an area well past our home so we prepared to head back. Just as we were preparing to leave we got a call from a close friend asking if we were ok. She said she heard on the news that a mobile home park near our home was hit by a tornado. We of course knew nothing of this.

We gathered the animals and headed home. We turned on our road but we were stopped short just two homes away from ours. Power lines and downed trees were blocking the road. We couldn't even see our place because of the trees. We could smell something burning. The people gathered in the road couldn't see any further than we could.

We had no idea if our home was even standing. Needless to say I freaked the fuck out.

After making several inquiries into the condition of the neighboring streets we decided to go the back way to our house. It was probably the most agonizing few minutes of my life. We finally made it to our home to discover it was in fact still standing and while there was some damage, it was in pretty good shape.

We checked on neighbors and assured the firemen we were ok. We decided to stay elsewhere due to reports of the possibility of more severe weather headed our way and we wanted to wait until we could asses the damage in the light of day.

We checked into a local hotel with the animals. We spent most of the night watching the news to see if we were going to be hit by more bad weather. I think we slept a few hours.

We were back at the house early Friday morning. The damage looked worse in the light of day but compared to the damage of others in our area we were incredibly lucky.

We didn't lose a single tree unlike many of our neighbors. We lost only one big limb. A big limb that ended up on the other side of the tree instead of landing on my car as it should have.

Our insurance adjuster was out Friday afternoon and she said we should be expecting a check this week.

The video of the tornado being used by local and national media was taken at a dealership less than three miles from our home.

The mobile home park that was severely devastated is maybe a 1/4 mile from us.

We could have been hit so much harder than we were and truly so many things should have gone differently such as leaving the house when we did to coming back when we did.

We were truly lucky in all of this.

Good

2008-04-05T12:26:00.003-05:00

Well, just a quick note. We did get hit by the tornado. Luckily we had ample time to take cover so we are all ok.

Our home took some damage. We are estimating about $5,000-$6,000 worth of damage. We won't know a final number until next week. We were truly lucky in all this.

I'll have a better post next week. Right now we are downright exhausted and we still have a bit of clean up and damage mitigation to do.

Should I be worried?

2008-03-27T12:13:00.002-05:00

see more crazy cat pics

I imagine R & Leroy have conversations like this when I'm not around.

Sorry.....

2008-03-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

So I guess I owe the meteorologists an apology. It did eventually snow last Friday. Just 6 hours later than it was supposed to. And you know like 6 inches less than it was supposed to.

She couldn't have been happier. Unless she had a body of water AND snow.

Shoot me

2008-03-12T07:42:00.005-05:00

We took Ryley to the vet yesterday to get a gash on her leg checked out and while she escaped with no stitches we did find out that she has an ear infection. So $130.00 in medicine later we get home and prepare to take care of her ears.

We have to put 6 drops in each ear twice a day. Once a day we have to flush her ears, wait 5 minutes and then put the drops in. Heh. We have to do this for 2 weeks.

/flop

She squirms like crazy. Like it's not hard enough to hold 70 lbs still without the squirming. And once you get her body still she tosses her head back and forth and basically acts like an ass.

2 doses down. 26 to go.

We may not survive. I'm fully prepared for R to shoot me in the face with the ear drops or the ear flush at some point.

I'm off to see if the drops are toxic to humans. You know just in case.

Asshats

2008-03-07T07:46:00.000-06:00

Dear local meteorologists,

Where the fuck is the 5-12" of snow I was supposed to wake up to?

You're all dead to me.

Hugs & kisses,

Jennifer

SNOW

2008-03-06T07:51:00.004-06:00

We woke up Tuesday to snow.

Unfortunately it was all gone by noon. The dog was totally devastated. She loves snow like nothing else in this world.

I may have to ship her to my uncle in Alaska just so she gets her snow fix once in a while.

The news around Arkansas today is the snow storm headed our way. Our area is expecting anywhere from 2-6".

This is massive for Arkansas. I'm already dancing in anticipation. Snow fall here is so rare it has to be cherished. So I'll be flitting around all day trying not to daydream the day away with dreams of being snowed in tomorrow with my girl and our animals.

*sorry for the shitty camera phone pic--it's the only proof I have of Tuesday's snow!

I'm an idiot

2008-02-26T07:32:00.000-06:00

Just in case you were ever wondering...scotch tape does nothing to counteract an underwire bra gone bad.

It does however make for very awkward moments sneaking down the hallway at work with scotch tape secreted behind your back all the while making a dash for the bathroom.

Add to that awkwardness the attempt to muffle the rustling sounds of the scotch tape as one tries to fix their bra.

Final score:

underwire-o-death

1

Jennifer
0

Spam?

2008-02-22T12:10:00.002-06:00

Should I be offended that Yahoo thinks that e-mails to myself are spam? Do they think I'm trying to bilk myself out of all my hard earned money?

Maybe I should have someone review e-mails before I send them. Maybe my typed word sounds Nigerian.

I'm really beginning to develop a complex over it.

My take

2008-02-14T12:05:00.000-06:00

Here's my take on the 7 random things. Except I give you 4 things I have too little of followed by 3 things I have way too much of.

I have no dancing skills. When it comes to dancing I have absolutely no rhythm. Think Elaine Benes dancing.

I have no sense of direction. I've lived in my current area for 6 years now and I only recently learned which direction is which on two of our interstates. I knew that one went North & South but I never knew which way I was actually going. R actually clued me in on the secret to this one. "If you're heading towards North Town (not the actual name but it is called North ____) you're heading North. If you're heading away from North Town, you're heading South." Yes, you can call me a moron now.

I have no sense of measurement. To illustrate this once to R I explained to her that I thought the ceilings in the house I grew up in were 40 feet. I didn't think she was ever going to stop laughing over that one. She still tells people about it. Just in case you're wondering the ceilings are about 12 feet.

I have no grace. Seriously. I'm a lummox. I can trip over nothing. I can fall walking up stairs.

I have way too much road rage. I would love nothing more than to drive an actual tank during my commute to and from work.

I have way too much snark. When I feel less than at my best I proceed to be the snarkiest person ever. I really try to limit what comes out of my mouth but sometimes it's like watching a speeding train knowing you can do nothing to stop the total devastation it's about to cause.

I have way too much heart. I get weepy over fucking commercials. I can't watch anything that depicts cruelty to animals even if it has a happy ending. I'm still trying to watch last season's Meerkat Manor but I'm having a hard time over the devastating loss that occurred. And the previews for the next episode waiting on the DVR has even more heartbreak. It's only been sitting there since November or so.

So there you have it. The bizarreness that is me.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

2008-02-12T07:36:00.000-06:00

Do you know how hard it is to sleep when you have a 70 lb dog kicking you in the ribs/back?

It's very rough. Just so you know.

Anyone know a good way to rid a dog of their fear of thunder storms?

We're trying to ignore the behavior as the vet suggested but it is very difficult to ignore a 70 lb chocolate lab who takes up residence on your chest when she hears thunder.

We can usually calm her down enough to sleep in between us but then she starts with the rib/back kicking and it pretty much ensures that neither R not myself will get any sleep.

So now I'm working on my second day of no sleep. Add to that I'm getting sick again. And I've had an almost constant headache since last Wednesday.

Misery thy name is Jennifer.

Lucky

2008-02-06T07:39:00.000-06:00

We made it through the bad weather unscathed.

Unfortunately many of our fellow Arkansans and Mid-Southerners did not.

The last count I heard was 24 dead across Arkansas, Tennessee & Kentucky.

Updated: According to this story there are 48 dead throughout Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky & Alabama.

We truly were lucky in this.

We watched the squall line get closer & closer until it was on top of us and our satellite signal went out. Even though it looked big and massive the worst part was way North of us and our portion of the storm lasted a mere five minutes and we escaped with no damage at all.

Many people were not as lucky.

Many thoughts and prayers for those around us who weren't as lucky as we were.

The craze

2008-02-05T13:22:00.000-06:00

I swear the older I get the more I examine myself and wonder who the hell this stranger is that is occupying my body.

This whole health/environment conscious thing has grabbed hold of me. I think I've even begun scaring R in my quest to eat/be more organic/eco-friendly.

Our tap water sucks. So when I refused to purchase individual bottles of plastic water R's eyes got big.

When I told her we were staying away from red meat as much as possible I think she twitched a little.

When I bought soy "ground beef" and soy "chorizo" I think a little part of her died when she realized I was serious.

I even made her take a vitamin Saturday. Which I swore we would take everyday (and then I promptly forgot about until just now).

I also said we were going to set a timer for 15 minutes every day. During that 15 minutes we would each clean the house.

I've also become fanatical about money. This from the person who was once so bad with money she tried to sell her plasma during her early days of college.

I also told R that we were going to get moving. Starting this week we will, at least once a week, go for a walk or do some sort of strenuous exercise.

When I think about all these things that I am very serious about implementing I can't help but wonder who I've become. A lot of these things are things I never, ever cared about. Or I said I would worry about them some other day.

I feel 30 breathing down my neck each and every day. I know that I want to be healthy and in a healthy routine by the time it gets here. I also want R and to have a long healthy life together.

But, even knowing all that the part of me that is holding on to the reckless, carefree days of my teens/early twenties keeps asking, "who the fuck is this woman and why should I listen to her?"

A good one

2008-02-01T07:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a pretty damn good. Which we've needed around our house due to some crummy occurrences which include the sleet last Friday which caused a horrendous commute home and the wind Tuesday that shattered our brand new patio table.

So what's so good?

I got a bonus. Which in and of itself is awesome. But. The bonus? It's about three times bigger than I anticipated. Which is even better. Combined with the raise I got a few weeks ago? So fucking awesome I'm dancing.

Now I just have to convince R that we are not under any circumstances spending the money on an alpaca or a fainting goat.

Fostering love

2008-01-29T12:25:00.000-06:00

This story makes me ill.

Arkansas' foster care system is seriously broken. There is a desperate need for good (major emphasis on the good) foster parents. There are way too many kids in facilities and group homes because placement can't be found in the foster homes we have now.

Kids are being shipped all over the state to foster homes or facilities in far away counties because it's very, very hard to find placement for kids especially in the larger counties.

And yet this group wants to deny unmarried couples living together (read: gays & lesbians) the right to foster/adopt children.

Forget that there is a major need.

Forget what's in the best interest of the children.

Forget that a lot of us are more than capable of providing care for these children.

According to this group you should ignore all these things and focus solely on "a 'homosexual agenda' in Arkansas."

The article states, "there is an agenda at work in other states that's being driven by the homosexual community, an agenda that uses children in foster care or waiting to be adopted. He said his group doesn't believe children should ever be used by a particular group to advance an agenda."

First, what the fuck is a homosexual agenda?

Seriously. I'm not being purposely obtuse; I just don't fucking understand what a homosexual agenda is.

Second, isn't this group doing exactly what it is accusing this homosexual agenda of?

Aren't they just throwing around a bunch of vague accusations against some alleged group in hopes that the people of Arkansas will vote to deny gays and lesbians yet another right in this state?

By doing this aren't they using the children in foster care to further their own goals?

The news this morning said that this initiative would ban over half the people in Arkansas from fostering/adopting.

Wow.

What a great way to ensure there is a permanent foster home shortage.

What a great way to keep this system utterly and hopelessly broken.

Our story

2008-01-22T07:31:00.000-06:00

When R and I first met I was only a week past my 20th birthday. R, 28, had sworn off women any younger than 25. We met -wait for the cliché-online in 2000. My girlfriend and I had just split up two weeks earlier and I had just moved to a somewhat strange town an hour from my hometown with no friends nearby. So I was on AOL (this was 8 years ago--we've grown so much since then) and I just looked up any lesbians in Arkansas online at that moment. Lo and behold there she was. Her profile sounded interesting so I IMed her. We were both just out of long-term relationships and neither of us were looking for anything other than a friend.

We talked. A lot. Like every day. Multiple times a day. At just about any opportunity we could get. I thought she was the funniest person I had ever spoken to (still do) and she thought I was pretty hilarious as well. We eventually graduated to talking on the phone. Months passed. Feelings developed and grew. We decided to meet. Did I mention we lived 2 1/2 hours apart?

So Labor Day weekend 2000 R came for a visit. It pretty much solidified and intensified all the feelings we had developed for one another. She came down on Saturday and had planned to leave the next day. She stayed until Monday.

Things went really well until November. Then R got spooked. She was just out of an on again off again long-term relationship. I was 20. Things were going really, really well. So she ran.

And I said, "you'll be back." Wasn't I just a cocky little shit?

So she ran. And I did what any 20 year old would do. I partied. I went to Memphis and hung out with my ex, old friends, new friends. I partied my ass off. I usually rolled in around 7am. Slept all day and then started again round about 5pm. This went on for over a week.

Some of my new friends started staying the night at my apartment. Nothing ever happened. I wasn't interested in any of them. I only wanted R. But, she was off partying herself.

Did I mention we still talked? I had to make sure she knew I was living it up. A little petty, yes. But, I needed her to know I wasn't sitting at home moping.

Then comes the night that she found out that these new friends were staying the night at my place. Can we say eruption? R lost her shit. I advised her that since we weren't together she had no right to inquire as to who was or wasn't at my place.

Needless to say my prediction came true and we were back together within days.

Looking back I can't believe how silly and immature we were. I also can't believe how cocky I was. Because that is nothing like me. I never act that way. I guess drastic times call for drastic measures. And they paid off.

We did the long distance thing for a little over a year and a half. Then in 2002 we bought a house together a town over from where she had been living. And I left behind that horrid little town I had been living in.

And here we are now. Our 8th anniversary is coming up this year. And when I think of how we met, the split, the age difference and the long distance thing, I'm pretty amazed that we made it through with so little bumps. I think the odds were against us. I think if we had done the traditional U-Haul cliché we would have had a much harder time. But, we beat the odds and shocked quite a few friends. And ourselves.

And I couldn't be happier with us.

?

2008-01-18T12:37:00.000-06:00

Confidential to those who are landing here via the google search string lesbian sleep:

Yes, quite well. Thanks for asking.

Oh baby!

2008-01-15T07:44:00.000-06:00

So the whole baby issue keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. I know it has a lot to do with this feeling of running out of time that I've suddenly developed. R's pretty sure she doesn't want kids. I'm smack dab in between of no thanks I'll pass and I don't know.

I like kids; I really do. But, the whole changing my life completely and totally thing? Freaks me the fuck out.

When we first got Ryley I thought we were going to either kill one another or her throughout the first six months. She was up and down all night. We had to constantly play, play, play to wear her out in hopes that she would sleep through the night. We won't even get into the sharp puppy teeth. I still have nightmares about those.

It was all Ryley all the time from the time we woke up until we went to sleep. And then it got better. She started sleeping through the night. She started losing those razor teeth. She could go outside by herself. Now? I think she's the best dog in the whole wide world. Yes, she gets on my nerves occasionally, but those hellacious months were worth the dog we have now. She's not even 3 yet so I can still remember all the bad times. And yet? While I love that dog so much? I think she is the first and last dog we will own. Even though I love her so much it hurts? I don't want to go through that 6 months of hell ever again.

And a baby? Is so much worse than a puppy. Like a gazillion times worse. Yet, every time I see a baby my ovaries freak the fuck out. They start screaming. Or if I start thinking about the whole "oh if I don't have children who will take care of me when I'm 90?" or "if I don't have kids--when I die that's it--no part of me will live on through someone else." Pretty stupid reasons for wanting a kid, no?

However, those aren't the main reasons. Part of me wants to experience the joys (and yes the horrors) of parenthood such as being pregnant, giving birth, seeing our child for the first time, the first step, etc.

Yet, when I see a screaming kid in the store? My ovaries die a little. They also lose a bit of life when I think about being pregnant, giving birth, no sleep, dirty diapers, the first time they get in trouble and the idea of bringing a child into this fucked up world.

And honestly? I like life the way it is. We get to sleep through the night, we don't have to worry about childcare or if we're getting enough couple time. Not to mention the fact that kids are hella expensive. As is the conception part.

So for now it's a moot point anyway. We aren't in a place where we could afford to try to conceive or pay for the kid.

But my ovaries? They aren't listening.

Too much?

2008-01-10T07:37:00.000-06:00

I have been told that R & I have a weird relationship.

It's probably not what you're thinking.

We have actually had people express their disbelief at how nice and considerate we are to one another.

I remember a time when we were staying at a cabin with two other couples and we were in the bathroom getting ready to go out and I put toothpaste on R's toothbrush, handed it to her and then made my own. One of the other women standing in the bathroom with us just stood there with this shocked look on her face and said, "you fix each other's toothbrushes?" Is that really so shocking?

R was talking to one of her coworkers and she mentioned making my lunch. Her coworker stopped cold and said, "you make her lunch?" The woman was shocked that R makes my lunch for me. Comments like that are pretty frequent.

We're not super lovey dovey 24/7 and we can still be complete asses to one another on occasion. Ok, usually it's just me being an ass; but R has her moments too.

But, we do try to do nice things for one another; even if it's just the little things. R has a bad day so I go pick up the sushi she has been craving for days. Or R will take over Ryley duty while I chill out when I come home fried.

Is it really so weird for us to do nice things for one another?

Totally random

2008-01-04T15:21:00.000-06:00

The car? It is fine. The owners of said car? Totally silly.

The cold? Still here. This long with a cold? Me? A raging bitch.

The weather? Freaking me out. 40 has been the high the past few days. Tomorrow? Mid-60's. Sunday? Even higher.

The fact that half of our office has no heat? Killing me. Especially when one has to continuously run back and forth between the sauna and the freezer.

The weekend? Not soon enough.

Sigh

2008-01-03T08:21:00.001-06:00

Remember that whole debt free thing?? Yeah so guess who had a check engine light come on during the morning commute? The Pilot is at the mechanic now.

And this cold thing? Still hanging on. I swear I'm relapsing. Oh and to top it all off the monthly curse is here.

Remember that Seinfeld? Where Frank Costanza screams serenity now? I think I'm going to start screaming it now in hopes of avoiding a collapse when I hear the diagnosis from the mechanic.

A New Year

2008-01-02T08:18:00.000-06:00

Well my time off for New Year's was pretty close to what I described in my last post. A lot of medication was ingested and there was a lot of whining. We both felt a lot better by New Year's Eve, but neither of us felt at 100%. I'm very glad we decided to go low key.

Sadly, there was no sushi but I did get homemade veggie stew which we polished off in time for the black eyed peas and cabbage we had yesterday.

So here we are today--back to the grind. I'm still not feeling 100% but I do feel a million times better than I did over the weekend.

I decided to forgo the resolutions this year. I do want to get in better shape. I do want to be debt free. And I will work on both of those. Each and every day. I decided not to make a resolution because I always break them. They usually last a few weeks (or days) and it's back to the usual.

I really want this year to be different. I want to look back this time next year and say, "Wow. Look how far you've come. " And I will be able to say that. Because this year--I'm gonna kick ass. No doubt about it.

Just as soon as I get over this cold.

The holiday recap...

2007-12-28T07:40:00.000-06:00

I actually feel worse than I did yesterday so if this post doesn't make much sense please blame the copious amounts of OTC drugs I've been taking. With that disclaimer in place here is a recap of the holidays...

On Saturday R & I headed out to Memphis. We had rain for about 95% of the drive down so it kinda sucked, especially since R wouldn't let me drive. Something about rain and speeding not mixing. Who knows? I did finally get to drive about 20 miles before Memphis. We had dinner at my Mom's and she plied me with liquor which prompted me to pass out in the chair round about 10:00.

We got up around 7am Sunday morning and started cooking. Let me say that I have a new found respect for my mother seeing all the work that goes into these dinners. Jesus. My Mom is somewhat of a control freak so we usually started helping in one area and were then pushed off into another area so she could finish it. I did make my sweet potato balls with no outside interference. And they seemed to go over well as only 8 of the 33 I made survived the onslaught of our hungry family.

We finally got to shower and get ready around 11am. After which we took the dog out for her billionth run of the day. She of course ended up in the pond.

Everyone showed up and we got to eat around 2:00. Everything went really well. There was no blood shed. There were even pictures taken of my Mom and her 3 sisters. And there was a picture taken of all the grandchildren (minus the 1 that had already left and the 2 that live in Alaska). Let me just say for the record--I'm real bitter about this height thing. I was downstairs saying goodbye to my step-father's family when they started calling me upstairs. I knew what it was for and I wasn't happy about it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren. And the shortest. The boys tower over me. And when I say tower I mean most of them are over 6'. Tall bastards. Anyway. I hate standing near them because I always hear about how short I am etc. Now I have visual proof of the unfairness of the distribution of the height gene in my family.

Everyone was gone by about 8pm except one aunt, uncle and cousin. While they are usually the last to leave--they hung out until 10:30!! We still had to open presents, which we did round about 11pm. R & I made out well. There was an Mp4 player, gift cards, CDs, a robe, and all the things we asked for.

The best moment of the whole dinner was forcing R to try coke salad. I've never seen anyone throw their hands up and start shaking over one small bite of food. Wish we had got that on camera.

We headed out about 10am Christmas Eve. We ran by Kroger on the way home to get the fixings for the sandwiches we would be having at R's sister's the next day. Let me say this--do not ever attempt a visit to a grocery store on Christmas Eve. The other shoppers would sooner kill you than be nice. Luckily I was first in line at the deli but within a minute there were about 6 people behind me in line and they were already cussing and raising a fit.

We just relaxed for the rest of the day Christmas Eve and went to R's sister's around 11am Christmas Day. We hung out watching the kids open presents, ate sandwiches and just visited for a few hours.

I was off Wednesday so I did some running around--attempted a return, went to the pet store, the pharmacy and the gas station. Then I came home and just vegged out.

I didn't have to come into work until 1pm yesterday so I tried to sleep in but this cold pretty much makes sleeping impossible.

After today I'm off until Wednesday! We have no plans for the New Year for which I am glad. I would love to just chill out and be with my girl. Maybe have a few drinks at home. If we're feeling better maybe we could do a New Year's Eve lunch at the new sushi place.

So there it is. The recap. Stay tuned for the New Year's recap which will probably go something like this: took Sudafed, Claritin, Emergenc-e, and a handful of Halls. Whined a lot. Rinse. Repeat.

Hope everyone has a happy & safe New Year!

Bleh

2007-12-27T14:10:00.001-06:00

I'm here. But, I'm not.

I have a cold and I'm miserable.

And I was spoiled by the past 5 1/2 days off.

Christmas was good. The entire family was there with the exception of my two uncles who live far away. It went surprisingly well. There was no family drama at all. I was very worried about how it would turn out as we haven't been getting together much since my grandparents died. There wasn't much family drama when they were around--they all seemed able to keep it in check, but once my grandparents were gone things blew up and we've kinda split into smaller groups for holiday functions. All in all it went well though.

I'm off to find more cough drops. Hopefully, I'll feel well enough tomorrow to post something with a little more depth.

Grad school

2007-12-21T12:13:00.000-06:00

I don't know why the thought of grad school terrifies me so. I'm in the process of getting my application in (after an 8 month delay). I don't know why I am dragging my feet.

I guess there could be many reasons for the terror and the procrastination.

-I'm worried that I will submit my application and they will turn me down.
-I'm worried I'm not smart enough.
-I'm worried because I've never taken a class in this subject.
-I'm worried about the thousands of dollars I am going to add to my already large student loan bill.
-I'm worried about not working full-time when it comes time for my internships (i.e. will we have enough money to pay the bills the 12 weeks I am unable to work at all or the other 9 months I am unable to work full-time)

UGH! I know I can't keep dragging my feet. My undergrad degree didn't really open any doors for me so I know I need to do something.

There's also the fact that my bosses really, really want me to go to law school. Which is funny because growing up I always, always wanted to be a lawyer. I was wearing Harvard Law t-shirts at 11.

It's scary enough deciding to go back and incur more debt and pretty much ensure I have no free time from the moment I start until graduation. But, then there's the idea that I'm scared I'm going to choose wrong.

If I go for my Masters I can get in and out in 2-3 years with a post certificate which will let me go for even more credentialing through the state. But, once I start my internships I will have to stop working full-time.

If I go for my JD it would take me four years--but I wouldn't have to stop working full-time and I would have the support of my employers.

Just from looking around it looks like there are way more opportunities for me to use the Masters than the JD as lawyers I know say the job market isn't what it used to be.

I've already taken the MAT and I won't be able to start grad school until next fall so I've thought about just taking the LSAT in the mean time but it's going to cost me over $350.00 just to take the test--that doesn't even cover any prep materials.

Damn this shit is scary. Growing up and being an adult sucks sometimes, ya know?

Random Bits

2007-12-19T11:24:00.001-06:00

I don't want to alarm anyone but I do believe hell has frozen over.

I put in a service call to our landlord over our thermostat (at work).

The technician showed up 20 minutes later and replaced it, no questions asked.

I almost fell over from the shock of it. Or it could have been from listening to someone on the telephone go on and on for over twenty minutes. Either way, I was lightheaded for a minute there.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have found a name for my fear of grasshoppers! Acridophobia. Sounds official! (Well, as official as one can get by searching for grasshopper phobia via Google) Maybe now R will refrain from terrorizing me with the little bastards.

Yeah. I doubt it'll happen. But, I can always hope.

Reunion

2007-12-17T12:10:00.000-06:00

Well, my feelings of guilt over not being able to attend the wedding have subsided a bit.

Friday night I got a call from my brother. He was on leave and was currently on his way home to Oklahoma. He said they would be coming through Arkansas either Saturday or Sunday so we made plans to meet up when he came through.

I am so very happy at this turn of events. I was feeling so damn guilty for not going to the upcoming wedding and there I was being granted an opportunity to see the brother I had only met once before, eleven years ago.

I've always said that the only luck I have is bad luck, but it looks like I was proven wrong this weekend.

R & I met up with them Saturday night. It was really, really great seeing him. He's not the 10 year old boy that I last saw. He's now 21 year and getting married this Saturday. Wow. It freaks me out every time I think about it.

It was also great getting to meet my future sister-in-law. I also got to see my ex-step-mother again and C's half-sister who was 4 the one and only time I met her.

It was a great visit; albeit too short.

C will be passing through Arkansas once or twice more between now and February when he reports to Ft. Lewis, Washington. And then he'll be off to Kuwait or Baghdad. Which for now, I cannot talk about as it makes me cry.

So while I still won't see him get married, I did get to see him and meet his future bride and for that I'm thankful.

Weather

2007-12-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

Living in Arkansas (or the South in general) means dealing with many, many different forms of insanity.

Take the current weather for example. In the past two weeks our temps have fluctuated from the 70's to the 30's. One day it will be 70 and the next 55.

Frankly, it's getting a bit old. It's a little bizarre when you can go from wearing a sweater to a short sleeved shirt in two days time.

The other thing with Arkansas is people's reaction to the weather. For instance: I am worried about facing the people who are going to flock to the stores when they hear that we have a minuscule chance of getting snow/freezing rain tomorrow. Doesn't matter that it will be too warm to stick. People hear snow/ice and they freak.

And naturally we have to go to the grocery store for the usual things plus all the makings for the cookies we will be baking Sunday morning. I think I'm going to push for a 3am grocery run. Heh. R will love that!

Having said all of the above I am very thankful that we aren't facing the weather problems that so many others have been facing the past week or so and my thoughts are with everyone who is/has been dealing with these disasters.

The Wedding

2007-12-12T08:36:00.000-06:00

So my 21 year old half-brother is getting married December 22nd. I think it's kind of a last minute thing as he left for basic training in August and I just got word of the upcoming nuptials in November.

Sadly, I will be unable to attend for numerous reasons. The main one being I don't want to run into my father for the first time in 21 years at my brother's wedding.

I tried to rationalize that he would not even recognize me but R pointed out that at some point it is very likely he will overhear someone introduce me as C's sister. If I could guarantee that he would not approach me I would go. However, there are no guarantees and I'm not a saint by any means. It would be hard enough being in the same room with the man but if he approached me I don't think I could hold my shit together and I really don't want to ruin my brother's wedding.

I know I should suck it up and deal with it for my brother but I honestly don't think I can. I do have to be in Memphis the morning after his wedding which is like 500 miles away. While I could fly to his wedding and then to Memphis that would leave R making a 3 hour drive to Memphis alone with the dog. Not to mention it would probably cost me around $1,000 for the flight, hotel room and rental car. All of which are valid excuses.

So why do I still feel like hell for not going?

Will wonders never cease?

2007-12-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

So my proposed boycotting of the exchange of Christmas presents failed for the second time so R & I have been busting our asses getting shopping done.

We went shopping Saturday. And let me just say sweet Jesus people have lost their ever loving minds. I will say that this whole Christmas shopping thing just solidifies my belief that people are inherently evil. And I'm not even talking about myself this time.

Just one example: We were checking out at one store and I said that we had been unable to locate a salesperson in a particular department--was there anyone working the floor over there? Her only response--no. WTF? She didn't ask if we had found what we needed (we hadn't) nor did she offer to get someone over there.

There was a whole line of people behind us including a couple of very elderly ladies who probably wouldn't have appreciated any fit I threw. So I let it go. Yes, you heard it here first. I let it go.

The increasing number of my random acts of kindness is beginning to frighten me.

Customer service has died and I keep getting nicer. Maybe this IS the season for miracles after all!

Nice!

2007-12-07T12:33:00.000-06:00

I want to know who thought this design was a good idea.

Well, I guess if you want to fit in with the cocaine snorting crowd without that pesky addiction you can always flash this as your stash.

College

2007-12-06T09:34:00.000-06:00

Reading this post at Syd's made me think of some of the things I did in college.

One of my favorite memories includes a stolen 6' tall cutout of Bill Dance, a hand-written sign and an outdoor bulletin board on one of the main campus walkways.

Or the "imprint" of my face on the side, glass door of our dorm that stayed there for at least an entire semester.

Or the time a friend convinced our math teacher that I had pawned the school issued calculator.

Or the time she had one of our entire intro classes convinced I was sleeping with the professor for a good grade.

And I won't even get into the really mean things we did to one another or hell even start on the things we did while drinking.

It's a miracle we never got into real trouble. It probably helps that I look sweet and innocent.

Niceties

2007-12-04T07:45:00.000-06:00

What in the hell has happened to customer service/the general niceness of people? I honestly dread going to just about any retail location because I know I am going to:

1) get horrible service;
2) encounter rude people; and
3) become even more disgusted with people in general.

What has happened to people? When did we dispense with the niceties? Because I think we should go back.

I have worked in customer service. Hell, just about every job I have had has had some customer service function in it. Except when I worked in social services. But, even then I started out trying to be nice to the clients until I realized that just painted me a sucker in their eyes. But, I digress.

What happened to the days when you went into a grocery store or what have you and the clerk greeted you--or hell just acknowledged your presence? What about the days when these same clerks said thank you or hell even verbalized anything?? There have been times I have gone through a check out without the cashier making any sound, not even to acknowledge my greeting. On days when I am already pissy I usually say "you're welcome" in a very irritated voice when the transaction is complete and just walk away.

Or how about when they stand there and talk to their co-workers refusing to even acknowledge your presence?

And the people I encounter! They would rather run over you than be nice to you. I was in the store Friday and a woman in an electric scooter was trying to get toilet paper off the shelf. She was struggling and people were just walking by, not even noticing. I walked up, helped her out and was on my way in a matter of seconds. Why did everyone else that passed her before I got there ignore her?

I was in the Post Office Saturday morning and this woman was holding a toddler and a package; the kid dropped his toy and I reached down to pick it up for him. The woman looked shocked. Tell me there's not something wrong when people appear more shocked when a stranger gives you a hand than when someone does something rude to them.

When did people become so callous towards one another? When did customer service die?

Sleep

2007-12-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

Well, the weekend is over again. Too fucking soon if you ask me. But, then again I really hate Mondays.

I can never, ever sleep on Sunday nights. I usually resort to taking a Benadryl or two to knock me out, but some nights even this doesn't work & I spend the whole night tossing & turning. Alternated of course by glaring at R & the dog who are snoozing peacefully. This of course makes me mad. How dare they sleep while I lay here wide awake? R has woken up many times to me saying (not so quietly), "I really hate y'all," or "You two fucking suck." Aren't I a gem?

I used to have problems sleeping Sunday nights after I slept in all weekend. I don't really do that anymore. Which is absolutely shocking to my mother. When I stayed at her house for Thanksgiving I was up the next day at 6:00. In the morning. Without the aid of an alarm.

I am the person who used to sleep till noon at the earliest. Sometimes more like 4:00 p.m. When R & I first met I was still like this. Gradually (and with the help of having a normal 8-5 job) I began waking up before noon on weekends. Now, I don't like to sleep in past 9:00 a.m. I feel like I've wasted a good chunk of my day if I do.

What the fuck happened to me? I know I don't stay out partying until 7:00 a.m. anymore. Hell, we rarely stay out past midnight. We get together with friends for dinner & drinks & we're all yawning at 10:00.

While I no longer need 10-12 hours of sleep to feel human( read: detox after a night of partying), I do need at least 6 good hours. Preferably 8 to ensure my smiley, happy disposition (read: my not ripping someone's head off, only slightly pissy disposition).

Needless to say (if you can't already tell from the above ramble) I didn't sleep well & I'm barely functioning. If you need me I'll be the one with the coffee pot & the straw.

Coming Out

2007-11-29T07:53:00.000-06:00

I had a relatively easy coming out. Both times. Yes, I came out, went back in and came out again. Leave it to me to do things in a completely messed up way.

I came out the first time at 17. Actually it was more my mom asking and me saying yes. Then I heard the whole spiel about it being a phase and maybe she and I should go to counseling to talk about it...blah, blah, blah.

My mother hated my then girlfriend, Psycho (for very good reason) and she basically forbid us from seeing one another. That of course lead to a bunch of teen angst which involved us sneaking around to see each other but eventually we went our separate ways on our own.

This is when I went back in the closet. I started dating guys again, trying so desperately to be "normal." I also just wanted to make my mom happy.

So I spend the next 10 months or so dating guys and trying my damnedest to be just like everyone else.

Needless to say it didn't really work out. I started dating girls again and this one girl and I had been dating for probably 6 months or so when my mom asked if she and I were like me and Psycho. I said yes and this led us into a more in depth discussion than my previous coming out.

She told me that while this wasn't the life she would have chosen for me; she loved me no matter what. It was such a profound conversation. It really gave me the approval that I was seeking in order for me to feel comfortable being who I am. I've been out since and I haven't looked back.

However, there are still members of my family with whom we do not discuss my sexuality. We have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Everyone in my family knows (and loves) Rhonda. And while I know that they know that we're together, we just don't talk about it. If they ask me I will admit it freely. But they don't. And they never will.

Some people I know feel this is a betrayal of who I am as a lesbian. I have never been one to stand on a rooftop and proclaim anything about myself. I am a private person.

And while some people may view my lack of in your face attitude as a betrayal; I say whatever works and makes you happy.

Bleh

2007-11-28T07:39:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I did the Thanksgiving thing in Mississippi which entailed 12+ hours in the car spread out over Thursday and Friday; 4+ hours of which I was a helpless passenger in a truck driven by insane people.

Am I the only one wishing this holiday season was already over with?

I've been screaming every time I hear Christmas music.

I've only bought one Christmas present.

I'm tired of hearing about it and I am soooooooooo ready for January!

Any ideas on how to get in the Christmas spirit or at least survive this holiday season without throttling someone?

100 things

2007-11-21T08:18:00.000-06:00

1. My girlfriend & I have been together since 2000
2. She is eight years older than I am
3. It's only obvious when she talks about music, t.v. shows, movies...
4. I'm an only child (except for a half-brother I have only met twice)
5. My mom tried to have another baby when I was 23 or so
6. It really freaked me out
7. I'm sad she wasn't successful
8. Most days I don't want children
9. Some days my ovaries scream so loud I can't concentrate
10. On these days my girlfriend threatens to take me to Chuck-E-Cheese
11. We have two cats & a dog
12. Taylor is a calico and Leroy is solid black
13. I always wanted a black cat
14. Leroy came into our lives on my birthday in 2002
15. He has never been my cat
16. In fact he will only give me love if my girlfriend isn't watching
17. Taylor used to be my cat
18. Now she belongs to whoever holds the treat bag
19. The dog is an equal opportunity lover
20. She's a chocolate lab. Enough said.
21. I am short
22. Like 4'11 & 3/4
23. The 3/4 is very important & should never be left off
24. I am very bitter about being short
25. I'm originally from Memphis
26. I like not living there anymore
27. I have a college degree
28. It really didn't open up any doors for me
29. I'm in the process of applying to a Master's program
30. I 'll have to stop working full-time to finish it
31. That terrifies me
32. Which explains why I'm dragging my feet about applying
33. I'm addicted to coffee
34. I'm also a coffee snob
35. Folger's & such makes me cringe
36. I am deathly afraid of grasshoppers
37. I truly believe they are evil spawns
38. I used to live in a town that was over-run by them
39. I have slight OCD tendencies
40. I have to turn door knobs four times to make sure they are locked
41. I can't stand for my hands or my feet to be dirty
42. I have been this way since I was a child
43. I have 3 tattoos
44. My mom recently discovered one of them a few months ago
45. I've had it for 6 years
46. I haven't seen my deadbeat dad since I was 6
47. I was raised by my mom
48. Her best friend moved in when I was 6 & we all lived together until I moved out at 18
49. They were just friends
50. It never occurred to me that people might think they were more
51. My mom remarried two months after I moved out
52. I locked myself in the bathroom & cried after the ceremony
53. I love to read
54. It irritates people how fast I read
55. I read Gone With the Wind in 2 days
56. I was 9
57. I prefer blue pens to black ones
58. Especially if they are the cheap Papermate ones
59. I have very little patience
60. Which leads to my incredible bouts of road rage
61. I came out twice.
62. I was 17 the first time
63. I was 18 the second time
64. I'm a registered Democrat
65. A lot of my family members are conservative
66. Conservative rednecks to be exact
67. This makes for interesting holidays
68. Growing up I never wanted to be a rockstar or actor
69. I wanted to be a judge
70. I tend to favor the underdog
71. It was only in the last five years or so that I learned what my natural hair color is
72. I always thought it was a dark blond
73. It's actually a dark brown
74. I like music
75. But I'm not gaga over it like most people
76. I can out drink most people I know
77. I find it hard to stop with just one drink
78. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides
79. I'm worried about becoming one
80. This is why I only drink every few months
81. I always, always wanted an SUV
82. My girl traded her tiny car in for a Honda Pilot this May
83. I drive it occasionally
84. I really, really prefer my little Honda Civic
85. I'm not really sure what color my eyes are
86. Sometimes they look green
87. Other times blue
88. Occasionally they look gray
89. I never took a typing class
90. Therefore, I don't know how to type in the "usual" fashion
91. I can still type 50+ words a minute
92. When I was younger I swore I would always live in the city
93. When I was 18 my mom bought a house with 5 acres in the country
94. I routinely refused to stay out there
95. Now I long for a place in the country with at least 5 acres
96. I love scary movies
97. My girl hates them
98. When she makes me mad I like to turn one on just for harassment purposes
99. I have no sense of direction or of measurement
100. I really, really want to skydive

Save me

2007-11-19T09:01:00.000-06:00

I am so not looking forward to the barrage of campaign ads that will soon be appearing on t.v. and radio. I get so sick of the lies and mud that get flung about during these ads and along the entire campaign trail.

However, this morning I heard about an ad put out by Arkansas' own Mike Huckabee. With that being said I hereby bring you my 1st WTF?! moment of the day:

Huckabee's first ad

I have to say it is the goofiest campaign ad I ever remember seeing. On one hand, it is so bizarre it makes me question Huckabee's sanity. On the other hand, I'm sure it will generate a lot of traffic to his website, which is the ad's goal.

Anyone else think it's weird?
---------------------------------------------
On an unrelated note, my hometown, Memphis, ranked #8 on the (controverted) list of most dangerous cities in America. You can find the list here. Arkansas only represented with Little Rock, which was #13.
---------------------------------------------
On yet another unrelated note, Mondays suck.

Books

2007-11-16T11:56:00.000-06:00

Maria has been talking about books all week. Reading her posts has made me think about my relationship with books.

I've always been a big reader. I remember when I was 9 our school got what they called the Accelerated Reader program. Basically for every book you read you took a test on the computer and your score determined how many points you received.

Back then I was always reading books that were deemed "too old" for me. I read Gone With the Windwhen I was 10. It took me an entire weekend, but I read all 1048 pages of it.

I'm also a very, very fast reader. I read so many book during that time period and got so many points that at the end of the year I was the "Accelerated Reader of the Year" for our school. I was in 4th grade. Our school was Kindergarten through 8th grade. And I kicked all their asses.

My point is I have always, always loved books. As I got older my relationship with reading began going through ups and downs.

When I was in high school and early college I didn't read all that much. I was too wrapped up in teen angst mixed together with a huge dose of lesbian drama. I began consuming books with frightening speed again in my early twenties. For the most part that is still how I read. It has gotten to the point that our bookcase broke from the weight of all the books on it. I had to limit myself to buying books unless they were by my favorite authors.

I just went through a phase where I was reading roughly 10 books a week. Considering I was only reading a few hours a day this is quite a bit of a reading for one week.

I was reading anything from Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)to Sharp Objects: A Novel. (Which let me say if you haven't read the Twilight Saga you should! It is a sheet sucker)

I have now reached a point where I am no longer reading. I've been struggling to find interesting books. I've been looking up books I enjoy at amazon to see what books people buy in addition to the ones I like. Finding books this way is a very, very slow process and is very hit and miss.

It's only been a week or two since I've read a book but I am now going through withdrawals. I need help!

Through my amazon searches I've gathered a list of about 30 books I want to read and while this will hold me over for a while I need many more.

I will forever be in debt to anyone* who can give me recommendations.

*This does not include you, Rhonda. You are still banned from giving me recommendations.

Funny

2007-11-16T08:12:00.001-06:00

Now I know that most people don't get my sense of humor. I've learned to live with it.

But, I have to know; am I the only one who thinks this song is hilarious? It's kind of a deer hunting rap.

The radio stations break out this song every year around hunting season. I laugh every time I hear it.

Are you insane?!

2007-11-15T08:10:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one bothered by the Duggar family? One of our news stations did another story on them last week. I respect people's rights to do what they wish but come on! 17 kids?

They say they decided not to use birth control after a miscarriage early in their marriage that they attribute to the prior use of birth control pills. The question I scream every time I see them on television (which is often as we live in the same state) is WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?! I understand they don't want to use the pill but why does that stop him from covering his shit? I can almost guarantee if he was the one squeezing children out right and left he would find a way to stop it from happening again and again.

I was an only child and I did long for a sibling growing up (always an older brother, go figure) so maybe I can understand the pull of wanting more than one child but I have to say this--I would fucking kill Rhonda if she even joked about me giving birth that many times.

Yet, every time I see this woman on television she looks happy as a clam. Do you think they gave her a lobotomy after the 6th kid or so?

Ain't she grand?

2007-11-14T07:56:00.000-06:00

E-mail like this is reason number 1,468,139 why I love her:

Okay so here's the plan, you and I are going to run away from home and start a farm where we raise chinchillas. We will be chinchilla barons and corner the market on chinchilla fur (or meat or whatever the hell you get from them). We'll live a quiet life (not the stockpiling weapons kind of life) and only go to town for groceries once a month at a tiny store where they will refer to us as "them dykes". There will be no phones but we will have internet access because I can't exist without it. Yes, I'm addicted. No, I'm not proud of it. Most importantly I will never have to deal with another idiot on the phone again.

Love Always,

Rhonda

p.s. What's a chinchilla?

Monday

2007-11-12T12:05:00.000-06:00

Mondays suck as a general rule. My ass has been dragging all day and it wasn't even a liquor filled weekend!

Insert some of the most boring, mind-numbing pleadings that have to be drafted and you get me in a quivering mass hiding under my desk.

If you need me I'll be curled in the fetal position behind my CPU.