Coming Out

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I had a relatively easy coming out. Both times. Yes, I came out, went back in and came out again. Leave it to me to do things in a completely messed up way.

I came out the first time at 17. Actually it was more my mom asking and me saying yes. Then I heard the whole spiel about it being a phase and maybe she and I should go to counseling to talk about it...blah, blah, blah.

My mother hated my then girlfriend, Psycho (for very good reason) and she basically forbid us from seeing one another. That of course lead to a bunch of teen angst which involved us sneaking around to see each other but eventually we went our separate ways on our own.

This is when I went back in the closet. I started dating guys again, trying so desperately to be "normal." I also just wanted to make my mom happy.

So I spend the next 10 months or so dating guys and trying my damnedest to be just like everyone else.

Needless to say it didn't really work out. I started dating girls again and this one girl and I had been dating for probably 6 months or so when my mom asked if she and I were like me and Psycho. I said yes and this led us into a more in depth discussion than my previous coming out.

She told me that while this wasn't the life she would have chosen for me; she loved me no matter what. It was such a profound conversation. It really gave me the approval that I was seeking in order for me to feel comfortable being who I am. I've been out since and I haven't looked back.

However, there are still members of my family with whom we do not discuss my sexuality. We have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Everyone in my family knows (and loves) Rhonda. And while I know that they know that we're together, we just don't talk about it. If they ask me I will admit it freely. But they don't. And they never will.

Some people I know feel this is a betrayal of who I am as a lesbian. I have never been one to stand on a rooftop and proclaim anything about myself. I am a private person.

And while some people may view my lack of in your face attitude as a betrayal; I say whatever works and makes you happy.

Bleh

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ok, so I did the Thanksgiving thing in Mississippi which entailed 12+ hours in the car spread out over Thursday and Friday; 4+ hours of which I was a helpless passenger in a truck driven by insane people.

Am I the only one wishing this holiday season was already over with?

I've been screaming every time I hear Christmas music.

I've only bought one Christmas present.

I'm tired of hearing about it and I am soooooooooo ready for January!

Any ideas on how to get in the Christmas spirit or at least survive this holiday season without throttling someone?

100 things

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

1. My girlfriend & I have been together since 2000
2. She is eight years older than I am
3. It's only obvious when she talks about music, t.v. shows, movies...
4. I'm an only child (except for a half-brother I have only met twice)
5. My mom tried to have another baby when I was 23 or so
6. It really freaked me out
7. I'm sad she wasn't successful
8. Most days I don't want children
9. Some days my ovaries scream so loud I can't concentrate
10. On these days my girlfriend threatens to take me to Chuck-E-Cheese
11. We have two cats & a dog
12. Taylor is a calico and Leroy is solid black
13. I always wanted a black cat
14. Leroy came into our lives on my birthday in 2002
15. He has never been my cat
16. In fact he will only give me love if my girlfriend isn't watching
17. Taylor used to be my cat
18. Now she belongs to whoever holds the treat bag
19. The dog is an equal opportunity lover
20. She's a chocolate lab. Enough said.
21. I am short
22. Like 4'11 & 3/4
23. The 3/4 is very important & should never be left off
24. I am very bitter about being short
25. I'm originally from Memphis
26. I like not living there anymore
27. I have a college degree
28. It really didn't open up any doors for me
29. I'm in the process of applying to a Master's program
30. I 'll have to stop working full-time to finish it
31. That terrifies me
32. Which explains why I'm dragging my feet about applying
33. I'm addicted to coffee
34. I'm also a coffee snob
35. Folger's & such makes me cringe
36. I am deathly afraid of grasshoppers
37. I truly believe they are evil spawns
38. I used to live in a town that was over-run by them
39. I have slight OCD tendencies
40. I have to turn door knobs four times to make sure they are locked
41. I can't stand for my hands or my feet to be dirty
42. I have been this way since I was a child
43. I have 3 tattoos
44. My mom recently discovered one of them a few months ago
45. I've had it for 6 years
46. I haven't seen my deadbeat dad since I was 6
47. I was raised by my mom
48. Her best friend moved in when I was 6 & we all lived together until I moved out at 18
49. They were just friends
50. It never occurred to me that people might think they were more
51. My mom remarried two months after I moved out
52. I locked myself in the bathroom & cried after the ceremony
53. I love to read
54. It irritates people how fast I read
55. I read Gone With the Wind in 2 days
56. I was 9
57. I prefer blue pens to black ones
58. Especially if they are the cheap Papermate ones
59. I have very little patience
60. Which leads to my incredible bouts of road rage
61. I came out twice.
62. I was 17 the first time
63. I was 18 the second time
64. I'm a registered Democrat
65. A lot of my family members are conservative
66. Conservative rednecks to be exact
67. This makes for interesting holidays
68. Growing up I never wanted to be a rockstar or actor
69. I wanted to be a judge
70. I tend to favor the underdog
71. It was only in the last five years or so that I learned what my natural hair color is
72. I always thought it was a dark blond
73. It's actually a dark brown
74. I like music
75. But I'm not gaga over it like most people
76. I can out drink most people I know
77. I find it hard to stop with just one drink
78. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides
79. I'm worried about becoming one
80. This is why I only drink every few months
81. I always, always wanted an SUV
82. My girl traded her tiny car in for a Honda Pilot this May
83. I drive it occasionally
84. I really, really prefer my little Honda Civic
85. I'm not really sure what color my eyes are
86. Sometimes they look green
87. Other times blue
88. Occasionally they look gray
89. I never took a typing class
90. Therefore, I don't know how to type in the "usual" fashion
91. I can still type 50+ words a minute
92. When I was younger I swore I would always live in the city
93. When I was 18 my mom bought a house with 5 acres in the country
94. I routinely refused to stay out there
95. Now I long for a place in the country with at least 5 acres
96. I love scary movies
97. My girl hates them
98. When she makes me mad I like to turn one on just for harassment purposes
99. I have no sense of direction or of measurement
100. I really, really want to skydive

Save me

Monday, November 19, 2007

I am so not looking forward to the barrage of campaign ads that will soon be appearing on t.v. and radio. I get so sick of the lies and mud that get flung about during these ads and along the entire campaign trail.

However, this morning I heard about an ad put out by Arkansas' own Mike Huckabee. With that being said I hereby bring you my 1st WTF?! moment of the day:

Huckabee's first ad

I have to say it is the goofiest campaign ad I ever remember seeing. On one hand, it is so bizarre it makes me question Huckabee's sanity. On the other hand, I'm sure it will generate a lot of traffic to his website, which is the ad's goal.

Anyone else think it's weird?
---------------------------------------------
On an unrelated note, my hometown, Memphis, ranked #8 on the (controverted) list of most dangerous cities in America. You can find the list here. Arkansas only represented with Little Rock, which was #13.
---------------------------------------------
On yet another unrelated note, Mondays suck.

Books

Friday, November 16, 2007

Maria has been talking about books all week. Reading her posts has made me think about my relationship with books.

I've always been a big reader. I remember when I was 9 our school got what they called the Accelerated Reader program. Basically for every book you read you took a test on the computer and your score determined how many points you received.

Back then I was always reading books that were deemed "too old" for me. I read Gone With the Windwhen I was 10. It took me an entire weekend, but I read all 1048 pages of it.

I'm also a very, very fast reader. I read so many book during that time period and got so many points that at the end of the year I was the "Accelerated Reader of the Year" for our school. I was in 4th grade. Our school was Kindergarten through 8th grade. And I kicked all their asses.

My point is I have always, always loved books. As I got older my relationship with reading began going through ups and downs.

When I was in high school and early college I didn't read all that much. I was too wrapped up in teen angst mixed together with a huge dose of lesbian drama. I began consuming books with frightening speed again in my early twenties. For the most part that is still how I read. It has gotten to the point that our bookcase broke from the weight of all the books on it. I had to limit myself to buying books unless they were by my favorite authors.

I just went through a phase where I was reading roughly 10 books a week. Considering I was only reading a few hours a day this is quite a bit of a reading for one week.

I was reading anything from Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)to Sharp Objects: A Novel. (Which let me say if you haven't read the Twilight Saga you should! It is a sheet sucker)

I have now reached a point where I am no longer reading. I've been struggling to find interesting books. I've been looking up books I enjoy at amazon to see what books people buy in addition to the ones I like. Finding books this way is a very, very slow process and is very hit and miss.

It's only been a week or two since I've read a book but I am now going through withdrawals. I need help!

Through my amazon searches I've gathered a list of about 30 books I want to read and while this will hold me over for a while I need many more.

I will forever be in debt to anyone* who can give me recommendations.

*This does not include you, Rhonda. You are still banned from giving me recommendations.

Funny

Now I know that most people don't get my sense of humor. I've learned to live with it.

But, I have to know; am I the only one who thinks this song is hilarious? It's kind of a deer hunting rap.

The radio stations break out this song every year around hunting season. I laugh every time I hear it.

Are you insane?!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Am I the only one bothered by the Duggar family? One of our news stations did another story on them last week. I respect people's rights to do what they wish but come on! 17 kids?

They say they decided not to use birth control after a miscarriage early in their marriage that they attribute to the prior use of birth control pills. The question I scream every time I see them on television (which is often as we live in the same state) is WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?! I understand they don't want to use the pill but why does that stop him from covering his shit? I can almost guarantee if he was the one squeezing children out right and left he would find a way to stop it from happening again and again.

I was an only child and I did long for a sibling growing up (always an older brother, go figure) so maybe I can understand the pull of wanting more than one child but I have to say this--I would fucking kill Rhonda if she even joked about me giving birth that many times.

Yet, every time I see this woman on television she looks happy as a clam. Do you think they gave her a lobotomy after the 6th kid or so?