I left yesterday to go pick up a salad for lunch and when I returned I found this:
My coworker (formerly my friend, Chuck) is dead meat. All I have to say is it's on. I know his weaknesses and I'm not above exploiting them.
Anyone know where I can get the world's largest tarantula replica by Monday?
It occurred to me earlier that I haven't posted any pictures of Grace since we adopted out her brother and sister. Here she is in all her glory. 
Grace is what I like to call "special" in many ways. First, there's the stench. Grace has this built in defense mechanism or what some people call gas. Whenever you startle her she emits this odor, which to put it mildly, is rank. Sometimes, her defense mechanism goes off on its own and she just sits around trying to kill the entire household.
You'd think that would be "special" enough, right? Not so much. We also refer to Grace as broken. This label stems from the fact that occasionally when Grace goes to clean herself she screams at her asshole. No, not me. Her own actual asshole. Yeah, it's bizarre. Yet, strangely enough she fits right into our household.
I'm not quite sure what that says about us.
Wish me luck. I have a CT scan at 1:30 to try and diagnose this pain I've had in my side since about 3 weeks post gallbladder surgery. I'm worried that the test will take place in a closed tube. I'm claustrophobic and the idea of being in that enclosed tube had me up worrying off and on most of the night.
And to top off a bad night of sleep, I started drinking the contrast about 7:30 and let me say what in the fuck do they put in that shit? Ground up sawdust with a touch of ass? Wow. I can't have anything to drink until after the CT scan. Except for one more dose of the ass flavored, I mean vanilla flavored contrast.
So that gagging noise you hear round about 10:30 will be me trying to choke this shit down. And that cackling noise will probably be my coworker and bosses laughing their asses off at the faces I will make.
So again wish me luck and a nice dose of Valium if I end up in the closed tube.
In the spirit of Halloween I offer a true ghost story I wrote for submission to a ghost story site 5 years ago.
Almost every member of our family has had their share of ghostly encounters. This particular incident happened to my aunt about 14 years ago.
She lived with her husband and son in a two story home here in Arkansas. So you can get a complete understanding of the situation I have to describe the house, or more specifically the upstairs open loft area. When you walk in the front door you are in the living room and immediately to your right is a set up stairs leading up. The upstairs is totally open so you can look down over the guard rail into the living room below.
One night my aunt, uncle, and their two year-old son were downstairs in the living room. All the lights in the house were off. The only light they had was coming from the television screen. My uncle was the first one to notice the shadow. He nudged my aunt to look up. There on the wall above the television was the normal shadow of the guard rail from the loft. However, you could also see a shadow of what appeared to be a little girl.
The shadow they were seeing had the outline of a small child, maybe five or six, wearing what appeared to be a ruffled dress. My aunt and uncle freaked out.
They jumped off the couch and turned around to look up at the loft area. There was no one there. When they turned back to the wall where the shadow was cast it was gone as well. My uncle took off up the stairs and my aunt could hear him opening the closet door and the bathroom door. He came back down a few minutes later. There was of course no one up there. They decided that the shadow just looked like a girl in their mind. They knew there was no way anyone could be up there. The only way into the loft was the stairs in the living room. So they blew it off and sat back down to watch television.
Less than five minutes later they both saw the same shadow again. This time it looked like whoever was in the loft was running back and forth behind the guardrail. My uncle took off up the stairs again. But, just like the time before there was no one there. He turned the light on in the loft and came back downstairs to turn on all the lights in the living room. They talked about what had happened, and they both agreed it wasn't a dual hallucination. As they were sitting in the living room discussing it, their two year- old son woke up and my aunt picked him up and held him on her lap as she continued the discussion with her husband.
Of course being a two year-old he was squirming around trying to get their attention. This went on for about few minutes, when he suddenly stopped squirming. My aunt looked down at him to see if maybe he had fallen asleep. He was staring at the top of the stairs. My aunt wouldn't have thought anything about it except for the incident with the shadow that had already occurred twice that night. My uncle turned around to see what they were staring at. Like my aunt he saw nothing. Yet, there was my cousin staring intently at the top of the stairs. My aunt and uncle then watched in horror as he continued watching the stairs, though now he was moving his eyes down the stairs as if he was watching someone walk down them. As his eyes stopped at the bottom of the stairs he crawled down off my aunt’s lap and made his way to the bottom of the stairs. Once there he sat down and preceded to start talking (in his limited two year-old speech) to someone on the stairs. He’s yammering away as my aunt and uncle sit there frozen in fear. By this point he’s laughing and carrying on with an invisible person, who from the way he is slightly looking up is sitting on the second stair from the bottom. His parents are freaking out at this point. My aunt tells him to come back over to the couch. He stands up and starts back, turns around and waves at the stairs. They of course asked him who he was talking to. His reply, “Lisa”. There is no one in our family named Lisa. His parents don't know anyone named Lisa. My aunt is a stay-at-home mom, so it wasn't someone he met in day care. A lot of people have tried to write it off as an imaginary friend. But, no one can explain the shadow my aunt and uncle saw not once, but twice.
After that night my aunt and uncle would find my cousin playing with someone they couldn't see. He would sit and carry on conversations with this person, laughing and playing around. This went on for three whole weeks, until one night when all three of them were in the downstairs bathroom. My uncle was giving my cousin a bath and my aunt came in to talk to them. They laughed and joked around having a good time. My aunt walks out of the bathroom, but is called back in to look at something her son was doing. She sticks her head back in the door and they all laugh at whatever cute thing my cousin was doing. The only problem was they also heard a little girl laughing. They stop laughing and the little girl’s laughter stops a few seconds later. They then hear another noise. This time it sounds like its coming from the hallway, it’s a little girl giggling. My aunt and uncle looked at each other with their eyes wide in fear. My aunt turns to look over her shoulder and sees a little girl standing there. She appeared to be about five or six years old with pale skin, brown eyes and shoulder length dark hair curled into ringlets. She was wearing a light blue ruffled dress. As soon as my aunt laid eyes on her the girl stopped giggling. The little girl then ran straight at my aunt brushing past her as she ran into the room beside the bathroom. My uncle was almost to the doorway of the bathroom when he saw her run past. By the time he came out of the bathroom my aunt had pushed herself flat against the wall with her head turned staring at the doorway of the room the girl had dashed into. My uncle walked into the darkened room (which just so happens to be my cousin’s bedroom) and flipped on the lights. He tore the room apart looking for this girl, but of course there was no one there. When my aunt regained her senses she joined in the search. The only exit from the room other than the door was a window. The window was of course shut and locked with the outside screen still intact. There was no way for this girl to have left the room without them seeing her, not to even mention the short period of time from when she brushed past my aunt to when my uncle entered the room. At this point they finally believed that there was “something” in their house. Upon further questioning of my cousin they determined that the girl they had seen was in fact the girl he had been talking to and playing with for the past three weeks.
The little girl hasn't been seen since that night in the hallway. My cousin no longer played with invisible people. However, the story doesn't end there. One week after they saw the little girl my aunt found out she was two months pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl less than seven months later. The little girl had dark hair and dark eyes. When she was five years old she looked very similar to the little girl they had once seen. My aunt absolutely refused to let her daughter wear anything that resembled a ruffled dress. She also refused to curl her daughter’s hair until she was around nine or ten. We still to this day joke that she should have named her daughter Lisa.
Yeah, I know I said in the last post that my very next post would be some riveting story about how I decided to incur tens of thousands of dollars MORE in student loan debt. But, I lied. Hey, at least I'm an honest liar. I mean, a liar who tells the truth. I mean an honest person who occasionally lies.
Wait, what was the question again?
Seriously, I don't want to talk about that because I am way too superstitious and when things become more set in stone I will write that post.
But, for now. Is is normal to spend your whole lunch thinking of new insults to trade back and forth with your partner? Cause R & I do that all the time. We never call each other anything in meanness; always in jest. My personal all time favorite is and will always be ass hair. My most ridiculous one? Serpent.
I don't think we're abnormal, per say. But, I do think we're lucky we're together because no one else would probably know what to do with us and our weird sense of humor.
I found this half finished in my drafts from many months ago so I have no idea where I got it. Let it be a place holder until I finish my riveting post on how I decided to incur thousands of dollars more in student loan debt.
32 Random Questions
1) The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is?
Ed McMan calling to inform me that I've won millions of dollars. Which would be a miracle considering I never enter stuff like that.
2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yes. One time upon leaving a store I found my side mirror hanging by its electrical wires due to being rammed by a shopping cart. Do you know how expensive it is to replace an electric mirror not including the repainting?!
3) In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
It truly depends on the situation. How comfortable am I with these people? Is there alcohol involved? I'm always more of a talker when you introduce alcohol. And apparently more of a singer.
4) If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
It depends. Are there grasshoppers?
5) Do you like to ride horses?
I haven't ridden a horse in years. The last one I was on one it dumped me on my head. I would love to ride one again, provided it was well behaved.
6) Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Nope. I can't name a single friend who did either.
7) What was your favorite board game as a kid?
I loved, loved Clue.
8) If a sexy person was pursuing you but you knew he/she was taken, what would you do?
Tell them to fuck off. Cheating does nothing but bring heartache and devastation.
9) Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?
I think it depends on how different those beliefs are. Polar opposites? Probably not. Though if R suddenly decided to start worshiping a coat rack I'd probably see about having her committed.
10) Are you continuing your education?
That is the plan. If all goes well I will start grad school full-time in August 2009 to get my master's in Social Work. While in grad school I hope to get my post certificate in marriage and family counseling.
11) Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes. I wish I had more training but I know the basics.
12) If the house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab?
If R and the animals were out I would probably grab our purses, my grandmother's ring, our laptops, my picture album that contains all my baby pictures and R's scrapbook with all her baby pictures. Wow, I guess I need to keep a damn shopping cart by the door in case of fire.
13) How often do you read books?
I read just about everyday. I go through phases where I devour books. I do nothing but read in all my spare time. Other times I read only when we're outside with the dog or I'm bored with everything else.
14) Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Sadly, I think I spend more time worrying about the future than living in the present. Which is a slight improvement from when I used to live in the damn past all the time.
15) What is your favorite children's book?
Favorite children's book or book read as a child? There is a distinction there. My favorite book I read as a child was Gone With the Wind.
I didn't really read many children's books. A few stick out in my mind today; Where the Red Fern Grows, Say Goodnight Gracie and This Stranger, My Father.
16) How tall are you?
Depends on who is around when you ask. If I'm alone or none of the assholes are listening I'll say 5'0. If the assholes make a big deal about it I'll say 4'11 & 3/4".
17) Where is your ideal house located?
Somewhere with lots and lots of land. I don't want to be able to see my neighbors if at all possible. My ideal world would be 20 acres all wooded except for about 2 1/2 acres in the middle where we'll stick our house.
18) Last person you talked to?
A coworker.
19) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Years ago. Seriously the last time I can really recall was back in 2005 when R and I met for lunch one day during the week.
20) What are the keys on your key chain for?
I have a key to my car, our house, my office, Kaye's home, and the filing cabinet. My key for the Pilot is on a separate key ring.
21) What did you do last night?
Helped R make cookies for her potluck, played WOW, played with the animals and read. Wild & crazy, huh?
22) Where is your current pain at the moment?
My ass. Always my ass.
23) Do you like mustard?
Sparingly.
24) Do you like your Mom or Dad?
I love my Mom. Don't know or care to know my Dad.
25) How long does it take you in the shower?
Ten minutes maybe? If I'm shaving it takes longer of course. Or if I fall asleep.
26) What movie do you want to see right now?
A really good scary one that will scare the shit out of me or at least make me jump a few times. Anyone know of any?
27) Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
People do this?
28) What did you do for New Years?
Strangely enough I'm drawing a blank here. We probably spent a quiet evening at home as we're not the out and about on New Years type. Last time we did that we ended up with a drunk cab driver who nearly killed us a dozen times.
29) Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I fell asleep at the end. Enough said?
30) Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, but the picture quality leaves much to be desired as evidenced by some of the pictures I've posted here.
31) What is the last letter of your middle name?
H.
32) Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I've never voted on American Idol. And I stopped watching back when it looked like Taylor Hicks was going to win.
So I was planning a post on how I finally decided between non action, grad school and law school but as I sat drafting the post in the bathroom (yes, I think of posts while I pee; it's the only time I have to think about things other than work) I started with, "My parents came up from Memphis the day I had surgery." But then I had to clarify the term parents. Parents in general to me include my mother, my mother's best friend and my stepdad. In this case I am referring to my mother and her best friend who I will call Kaye.
Kaye has been in our life since I was 6 years old. She and my Mom met at work and became friends. We all came to live together when she called my Mom in the middle of the night and said she was leaving her husband could my Mom please come get her. My Mom showed up to find Kaye drunk off her ass walking down the road with two suitcases.
She was going to stay with us for a little while. Just until she could get on her feet and get her own place. However, my Mom came to like only having to pay half the bills. She was a single mother working three jobs with no child support from my dead beat father. So Kaye stayed on. We eventually moved to the suburbs where we rented a house for a few years and then proceeded to buy a new one. It was the perfect situation for both of them. Kaye is originally from up North and had no family close by. We became a happy family. My Mom's family accepted her immediately and Kaye soon become just another one of my grandmother's kids. Up until the day she died my grandmother swore she had 6 kids and 1 adopted kid.
We all lived together in the suburbs until I moved away to attend college. Two months later my Mom married my stepdad and they bought a house in a different suburb.
It wasn't until my Mom married my stepdad that people started making comments about how they were sure my Mom and Kaye were a couple when they lived together. I was totally blown away by this the first time I heard it. My Mom and Kaye were best friends and nothing more. It never occurred to me that they were more than friends. Even when I finally admitted to myself that I was a lesbian it never crossed my mind that they could be a couple or that anyone could ever think they were more than friends. My Mom dated on a regular basis. Hell, Kaye even dated my uncle for a year or so. So to hear that so many thought they were together was insane to me. Still to this day it blows my mind that people thought that.
Kaye has been in my life for 22 years. She is my other mother. There is no doubt about that in my mind. When Mother's Day comes around I buy gifts for BOTH of my mothers.
So while technically I was raised in a single parent household, I really had two parents. And I was (and still am) damn lucky that I had the best mothers ever.
