Insanity

Thursday, November 08, 2007

People wonder why I am insane. She makes me that way!

Jennifer (3:32 PM): http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/961/Arugula-Salad-with-Fresh-Herbs73091.shtml

Rhonda (3:33 PM): I make it a practice not to eat things I don't recognize. " Herbes de Provence"

Rhonda (3:34 PM): wasn't he the love bug?

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:34 PM): you sure??

Jennifer (3:34 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:34 PM): the midget off Fantasy Island then.

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:38 PM): you sure about the midget?

Rhonda (3:38 PM): sorry... short person.

Jennifer (3:41 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:42 PM): So tortillas, chips, refried beans and cupcakes.

Rhonda (3:42 PM): got it.

Jennifer (3:43 PM): LOL

Jennifer (3:43 PM): and you were going to look for pico which they won't have

Rhonda (3:45 PM): pico. Tortillas, chips, refried beans, cupcakes, pico and cake. Got it.

Jennifer (3:45 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:45 PM): cool! anything else?

Jennifer (3:46 PM): Millions of dollars

Rhonda (3:46 PM): neat! where do I get that

Jennifer (3:47 PM): I dunno

Jennifer (3:47 PM): The money fairy?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): ah. I'll leave a note under my pillow tonight

Rhonda (3:47 PM): or is it a tooth?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): the dog?

Jennifer (3:48 PM): You're going to leave a tooth under the dog??

Rhonda (3:49 PM): sure! You put a tooth under the dog and the money fairy comes and leaves you a gazillion dollars. It's true. I knew a guy that did it.

Rhonda (3:49 PM): well it was a friend of his cousin actually

Jennifer (3:50 PM): Have you been reading chain e-mails again?

Rhonda (3:51 PM): NO! They aren't chain emails. They just need to send me a check to get it out of Africa. Duh!

Jennifer (3:51 PM): I thought it was Portugal

Rhonda (3:51 PM): as a token of good faith I'm mailing them Leroy.

Spawns

Monday, November 05, 2007

So Rhonda got her revenge for the clown incident. I knew the retaliation would be bad. I just never realized she would be so cruel.

When I went to get on my laptop Friday afternoon I CTRL+D to get to my desktop only to find this picture set as my desktop. I screamed so loud I made the china in the hutch rattle.

Grasshoppers will cause me to lose my shit faster than just about any other living creature. They are spawns of the devil. They have been conspiring to kill me for 9 years.

I realized it when I moved to a town in Northeastern Arkansas 9 years ago that was overrun with the little bastards. I would be sitting at a table next to a window and within 20 minutes you couldn't see out the window for all the grasshoppers covering it.

Once they showed me their massiveness they began moving in for the kill.

They would trap me on the balcony of my apartment building. They would accomplish this by jumping on me and then once I screamed and brushed them off they would get between me and the door to my apartment. Every time I would try to get around them they would jump at me. I was always barefoot when this happened and it would eventually come down to me picking up a chair and holding it between me and the grasshopper as I made my way to the door. I only had to throw the chair once before they knew I meant business.

I'm sure my neighbors thought I was the picture of mental health.

Once they realized the balcony ambushing would not lead to me plummeting to my death they moved on to more deadly attempts. They began infiltrating my car, waiting until I was going maximum speed and then pouncing either on me or on the steering wheel, which I immediately let go of.

I abandoned my car twice because of those evil little bastards. Once in the turning lane of the busiest street in town.

They even came after me in the shower once. I guess they were hoping I would slip and fall. They weren't so lucky. I did run screaming and refused to go back in until Rhonda arrived. The only harm done was to my hair from the shampoo as I waited for Rhonda to make the 2.5 hour drive from her place to mine.

Once I moved away they slowed the onslaught. I guess they can't survive as well here because I don't live near the rice fields anymore. However, they are still out there waiting for me. Occasionally they will send one of their assassins.

It is a sad, sad day for the good side as I lost my most trusted protector.

They may have won the battle, but the war is far from over.

A Meme

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stolen from Maria because I have nothing else today....

Name one person who made you laugh last night.
Rhonda routinely makes me laugh. Like many, many times a day. She's the funniest person I know. And she's an idiot.

What were you doing at 8:00?
This morning? I was walking up the steps to the Courthouse.

What were you doing thirty minutes ago?
Just getting back from lunch so I was probably checking voice mail and such...

What happened to you in 2006?
I got my "dream job" only to realize that it was a fucking nightmare. I lasted 6 months. Unfortunately, my sanity gave out 2 months in.

What was the last thing that you said out loud?
I think I said goodbye to a client on the phone.

How many beverages did you have today?
3 cups of coffee and 1 Red Raspberry Diet Rite

What color is your hairbrush?
I think it's black. I also have a white one with zebra stripes but it's been in Rhonda's car for months

What was the last thing that you paid for?
A triple, venti, wet, non-fat Cappuccino

Where were you last night?
At home with Rhonda and the "kids"

What color is your front door?
White

Where do you keep your change?
I never have change. Seriously. I never have cash. On the rare occasion I do have change I keep it in my wallet.

What's the weather like today?
72 fucking degrees. I'm bitter.

What's the best ice cream flavor?
I'm an equal opportunity ice cream eater. There aren't many flavors I won't eat. I love coffee, black-walnut, strawberry, cherry with chocolate chunks...the list could go on forever. And despite wanting to hate it I really, really love Rhonda's family's recipe for peach-apricot ice cream.

What excites you?
Besides all the usual lovey-dovey stuff like spending time with Rhonda I would have to say the idea of a new house. I really, really want a new house.

Do you want to cut your hair?
Every single day. However, my hair is still pissed about all the horrible things I did to it when I was in my teens so it refuses to do anything but hang there and look like shit.

Are you over the age of 25?
Yes.

Do you talk a lot?
It depends on the situation and who you ask. If you ask the people I work with and most general people they would say I rarely talk at all. If you asked Rhonda or someone who knows me very well, they would say I never shut up.

Do you watch The O.C?
Nope

Do you know anyone named Steven?
Yes, I know a few

Do you make up your own words?
Mostly I make up names to call the dog. Pupples, Punky-dog-dog, pupp-a-lup-a-gus. What can I say? I'm weird.

Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Although in my defense I have gotten so much better over the years. When I was younger I had such a jealous streak. I also dated losers back then. Maybe the two correlate in some way....

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter A.
Andrew. But, Rhonda and I call him Chuck. And strangely enough his given name is neither Andrew or Chuck or anything remotely similar.

Rhonda decided one day that if he could just call himself whatever he wanted that she would call him what she wanted; hence the name Chuck.

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter K.
Chuck's given name is Kevin-does that count?

Who is the first person on your received call list?
My boss. She was running late.

What does the last text message you received say?
Fuck this traffic!

Do you chew on your straw?
Yes. I especially like to do it when I am sharing a drink with Rhonda. It drives her batty.

Do you have curly hair?
This is a touchy topic. My hair will not hold a curl. They tried to give me a perm at least 6 times when i was young. Only 1 ever took. I can curl my hair but I never bother because it falls within 2 hours.

Where's the next place you are gonna go?
Home as far as I know.

Who's the rudest person in your life?
I refuse to answer this questions because I don't want to be dooced

What was the last thing you ate?
A blue raspberry Jolly Rancher

Will you get married in the future?
Only when the majority realize that making my 7+ year relationship legal in the eyes of the law will not undermine the sanctity of hetero marriage

What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
The only movie I can even remotely remember watching in the past two weeks is Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Which was on only for background noise. And because I <3 Angelina.

Is there anyone you like right now?
I agree with Maria. This totally sounds like a junior high question.

I do like Rhonda though. Even when she pisses me off.

When was the last time you did the dishes?
Last night. I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, forgot to start the dishwasher and then filled the sink up with dishes. It's a never ending cycle.

Are you currently depressed?
Yes. I'm trying to put off going to the doctor to be medicated but I don't think I can hold out much longer.

Did you cry today?
Not yet.

Queen of Evil

Monday, October 29, 2007

So Rhonda & I have had conversations numerous times regarding the evil that lives inside me. See I'm evil. I admit it. I embrace it. What makes it especially fun is that no one suspects me of being evil. They look at me and see a sweet, innocent person. But, in reality I am an evil spawn.

See I don't DO evil. I'm kind of like that devil sitting on someone's shoulder tempting them to do wrong. I plant the seeds of evil acts in people's minds.

To give you an example I'm going to confess something here that will get me into a world of trouble. Once Rhonda reads this you will probably be able to hear the screaming miles away.

See, Rhonda doesn't like clowns much. She's not truly phobic of them but she really doesn't like them. So, I, being the truly evil person that I am, called up her arch nemesis, the co-worker she is in a constant battle with to see who can harass the other the most. I used my powers of evil to put a bug in her ear.

Me: "How funny would it be if you could get as many people as possible in your office to dress up as clowns?"

Her: "Holy shit! That's awesome! Rhonda will shit her pants!"

Me: evil laughter

So...ummm honey? I'm the reason those 3 clowns jumped out from behind your desk this morning. But, I want you to know that I had no part in the decorating of your office! She came up with that one all on her own. And in my defense I never figured she would be able to get 5 other people to dress up with her.

And you should have let me dress you up all girlie like I wanted. So really you have no one to blame but yourself.

The woman I love

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Is it any wonder I love my wife? I mean how many women get emails like this from their partner:

My gas smells like chickens have taken up roost in my anus. And while patiently sitting on their eggs they were attacked by wolverine who killed 3 and wounded 2 others. The dead were carried off but not before the wolverine scent marked the chicken's home. 1 of the wounded chickens later succumbed to her injuries and died, leaving the last lonely chicken trying to sit on 5 different nests to hatch the eggs while nursing an infected left wing. Unfortunately it wasn't possible to incubate the eggs alone and so the now rotten eggs and dead chicken are leaking from my ass.

How's your day?

I mean come on. You're having a shitty day and then you open your email and find some jewel such as this one.

Luckily no one was in the office when I read this because I laughed so loud they probably would have come running.

She's a keeper.

Ebay

Am I the only person who has a love-hate relationship with Ebay? I've been wanting to try a new brand of makeup for a while so when Sephora came out with their best of a while back I decided I would try some of the items on their list.

Well, I hate to spend money. Ok, I really LOVE to spend money but I hate this whole debt thing and the whole not being able to shop for a new house....but that's a whole other rant.

So, being frugal (read: CHEAP!) I decided to look on Ebay for samples of the makeup I could buy at a fraction of the cost so I could try it out before I spent megabucks. Let me say this to all those people who outbid me on the Bare Escentuals Get Started Eyes Kit- you people may have outbid me no less than 38 times on 24 different auctions--but I prevailed!!

I try to stay away from Ebay as much as possible because I become addicted to it so very easily. Once I start bidding I can't stop. I have to force myself away from the computer.

I start searching for obscure shit like Gone With the Wind collectibles that I haven't collected since I was young or funny t-shirts. Things I have absolutely no need for. I'll spend days engrossed in Ebay, searching, bidding like a maniac, screaming out loud when people outbid me.

However, once I tear myself away I can leave it alone for months. But, in the back of my mind I know it's always there waiting for me. It knows I'll be back. After all, it's almost time for Christmas shopping.

Morning

Monday, October 22, 2007

I like quiet in the morning. Which of course had lead to the death of many alarm clocks in my possession. When I lived alone I got to the point where I would have to position the alarm clock across the room or I would:

A) Ignore the beeping alarm for a long period of time only to finally reach over, grab the alarm clock and violently hoist it across the room or

B) Somehow turn the stupid thing off completely in my sleep

Some days I was late for class or work. Other days I had a dented (or sometimes destroyed) alarm clock.

Luckily my wife takes care of waking me up in the morning now so I can proudly say I haven't harmed an alarm clock in over five years.

So yeah I am soooo not a morning person. I would rather growl than speak. And if you try to talk to me too much I may become violent.

Why knowing this do people insist on speaking to me before 9:00a.m.?

It's early; it's Monday; it's raining and I have pms. Hopefully, those around me will survive.