Ain't she grand?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

E-mail like this is reason number 1,468,139 why I love her:

Okay so here's the plan, you and I are going to run away from home and start a farm where we raise chinchillas. We will be chinchilla barons and corner the market on chinchilla fur (or meat or whatever the hell you get from them). We'll live a quiet life (not the stockpiling weapons kind of life) and only go to town for groceries once a month at a tiny store where they will refer to us as "them dykes". There will be no phones but we will have internet access because I can't exist without it. Yes, I'm addicted. No, I'm not proud of it. Most importantly I will never have to deal with another idiot on the phone again.

Love Always,

Rhonda

p.s. What's a chinchilla?

Monday

Monday, November 12, 2007

Mondays suck as a general rule. My ass has been dragging all day and it wasn't even a liquor filled weekend!

Insert some of the most boring, mind-numbing pleadings that have to be drafted and you get me in a quivering mass hiding under my desk.

If you need me I'll be curled in the fetal position behind my CPU.

High School

Friday, November 09, 2007

I really didn't care for high school much. I wasn't into all the bullshit that everyone else seemed to be into. I didn't want to be Miss Popularity. I didn't like guys. I didn't play sports or participate in any extracurricular activities other than choir. I had acquaintances in just about every group with the exception of that one group who were so "cool" that they could only be friends with people in their own little group, and who for shits and giggles randomly made people feel like shit.

I didn't really hang out with anyone from school. I preferred people who lived in the less than middle-class parts of Memphis. I liked sitting at the coffee shop or playing pool at the pool hall with people 3, 4, hell even 10+ years older.

I didn't care about football games or anything remotely school related. I went to the Homecoming game only to sing the National Anthem and then run like hell for the parking lot as soon as my part was done.

I went to my junior and senior proms only because I was harassed into going. I only enjoyed my junior prom because I was less than sober. I wasn't as fortunate for my senior prom so I stayed long enough to take pictures for proof of attendance.

I know my high school days could have been a hell of a lot worse. I was outed my senior year by my "best friend." I was harassed a bit but only by a small group of people. It was devastating enough that I switched schools in November. I ended up coming back 3 months later and honestly for the most part people acted like nothing had ever happened. I was still harassed a bit, but it wasn't anything I couldn't ignore.

I didn't keep in touch with anyone from high school. Which is sad because I had known most of those people since 2nd grade. It's only recently through a forgotten myspace account that I've been in touch with anyone I knew back then.

Suddenly I'm getting e-mails about our 10 year reunion next year.

Part of me is kinda excited about seeing some of those people again.

The other part of me wants to puke at the thought of being around those people.

Hell, just yesterday I got another e-mail about the reunion. This one in the form of a questionnaire. It asks if you are planning to attend. It asks if the charge for attending will play a factor in whether or not you attend. It asks you to check which activities you are interested in.

They are planning for next Fall:

• A Friday night Homecoming get-together in conjunction with a tailgate party

• A Saturday afternoon barbecue

• A Saturday evening cocktail reception

I want to send a questionnaire back in the same mass e-mail:

• Are the girls still going to act like shallow bitches?

• Are the guys still going to do nothing but drink and brag about sex?

• Are the "cool" ones still going to ignore everyone not in their incestuous little group?

• Are you going to freak the fuck out when I show up with my wife?

I know I'll probably end up going to all 3 events. I know I'll probably reconnect with one or two really great people. I also know I'll end up feeling shut out by that certain group just like I did in high school.

So why am I even contemplating it? Why not just send back their little questionnaire with a big FUCK OFF written across it? (This is especially tempting as the organizers of the reunion are the people in that particular group)

I guess part of me wonders what I missed by not giving a shit about football games, dances and the usual high school rites of passage.

Insanity

Thursday, November 08, 2007

People wonder why I am insane. She makes me that way!

Jennifer (3:32 PM): http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/961/Arugula-Salad-with-Fresh-Herbs73091.shtml

Rhonda (3:33 PM): I make it a practice not to eat things I don't recognize. " Herbes de Provence"

Rhonda (3:34 PM): wasn't he the love bug?

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:34 PM): you sure??

Jennifer (3:34 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:34 PM): the midget off Fantasy Island then.

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:38 PM): you sure about the midget?

Rhonda (3:38 PM): sorry... short person.

Jennifer (3:41 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:42 PM): So tortillas, chips, refried beans and cupcakes.

Rhonda (3:42 PM): got it.

Jennifer (3:43 PM): LOL

Jennifer (3:43 PM): and you were going to look for pico which they won't have

Rhonda (3:45 PM): pico. Tortillas, chips, refried beans, cupcakes, pico and cake. Got it.

Jennifer (3:45 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:45 PM): cool! anything else?

Jennifer (3:46 PM): Millions of dollars

Rhonda (3:46 PM): neat! where do I get that

Jennifer (3:47 PM): I dunno

Jennifer (3:47 PM): The money fairy?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): ah. I'll leave a note under my pillow tonight

Rhonda (3:47 PM): or is it a tooth?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): the dog?

Jennifer (3:48 PM): You're going to leave a tooth under the dog??

Rhonda (3:49 PM): sure! You put a tooth under the dog and the money fairy comes and leaves you a gazillion dollars. It's true. I knew a guy that did it.

Rhonda (3:49 PM): well it was a friend of his cousin actually

Jennifer (3:50 PM): Have you been reading chain e-mails again?

Rhonda (3:51 PM): NO! They aren't chain emails. They just need to send me a check to get it out of Africa. Duh!

Jennifer (3:51 PM): I thought it was Portugal

Rhonda (3:51 PM): as a token of good faith I'm mailing them Leroy.

Spawns

Monday, November 05, 2007

So Rhonda got her revenge for the clown incident. I knew the retaliation would be bad. I just never realized she would be so cruel.

When I went to get on my laptop Friday afternoon I CTRL+D to get to my desktop only to find this picture set as my desktop. I screamed so loud I made the china in the hutch rattle.

Grasshoppers will cause me to lose my shit faster than just about any other living creature. They are spawns of the devil. They have been conspiring to kill me for 9 years.

I realized it when I moved to a town in Northeastern Arkansas 9 years ago that was overrun with the little bastards. I would be sitting at a table next to a window and within 20 minutes you couldn't see out the window for all the grasshoppers covering it.

Once they showed me their massiveness they began moving in for the kill.

They would trap me on the balcony of my apartment building. They would accomplish this by jumping on me and then once I screamed and brushed them off they would get between me and the door to my apartment. Every time I would try to get around them they would jump at me. I was always barefoot when this happened and it would eventually come down to me picking up a chair and holding it between me and the grasshopper as I made my way to the door. I only had to throw the chair once before they knew I meant business.

I'm sure my neighbors thought I was the picture of mental health.

Once they realized the balcony ambushing would not lead to me plummeting to my death they moved on to more deadly attempts. They began infiltrating my car, waiting until I was going maximum speed and then pouncing either on me or on the steering wheel, which I immediately let go of.

I abandoned my car twice because of those evil little bastards. Once in the turning lane of the busiest street in town.

They even came after me in the shower once. I guess they were hoping I would slip and fall. They weren't so lucky. I did run screaming and refused to go back in until Rhonda arrived. The only harm done was to my hair from the shampoo as I waited for Rhonda to make the 2.5 hour drive from her place to mine.

Once I moved away they slowed the onslaught. I guess they can't survive as well here because I don't live near the rice fields anymore. However, they are still out there waiting for me. Occasionally they will send one of their assassins.

It is a sad, sad day for the good side as I lost my most trusted protector.

They may have won the battle, but the war is far from over.

A Meme

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stolen from Maria because I have nothing else today....

Name one person who made you laugh last night.
Rhonda routinely makes me laugh. Like many, many times a day. She's the funniest person I know. And she's an idiot.

What were you doing at 8:00?
This morning? I was walking up the steps to the Courthouse.

What were you doing thirty minutes ago?
Just getting back from lunch so I was probably checking voice mail and such...

What happened to you in 2006?
I got my "dream job" only to realize that it was a fucking nightmare. I lasted 6 months. Unfortunately, my sanity gave out 2 months in.

What was the last thing that you said out loud?
I think I said goodbye to a client on the phone.

How many beverages did you have today?
3 cups of coffee and 1 Red Raspberry Diet Rite

What color is your hairbrush?
I think it's black. I also have a white one with zebra stripes but it's been in Rhonda's car for months

What was the last thing that you paid for?
A triple, venti, wet, non-fat Cappuccino

Where were you last night?
At home with Rhonda and the "kids"

What color is your front door?
White

Where do you keep your change?
I never have change. Seriously. I never have cash. On the rare occasion I do have change I keep it in my wallet.

What's the weather like today?
72 fucking degrees. I'm bitter.

What's the best ice cream flavor?
I'm an equal opportunity ice cream eater. There aren't many flavors I won't eat. I love coffee, black-walnut, strawberry, cherry with chocolate chunks...the list could go on forever. And despite wanting to hate it I really, really love Rhonda's family's recipe for peach-apricot ice cream.

What excites you?
Besides all the usual lovey-dovey stuff like spending time with Rhonda I would have to say the idea of a new house. I really, really want a new house.

Do you want to cut your hair?
Every single day. However, my hair is still pissed about all the horrible things I did to it when I was in my teens so it refuses to do anything but hang there and look like shit.

Are you over the age of 25?
Yes.

Do you talk a lot?
It depends on the situation and who you ask. If you ask the people I work with and most general people they would say I rarely talk at all. If you asked Rhonda or someone who knows me very well, they would say I never shut up.

Do you watch The O.C?
Nope

Do you know anyone named Steven?
Yes, I know a few

Do you make up your own words?
Mostly I make up names to call the dog. Pupples, Punky-dog-dog, pupp-a-lup-a-gus. What can I say? I'm weird.

Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Although in my defense I have gotten so much better over the years. When I was younger I had such a jealous streak. I also dated losers back then. Maybe the two correlate in some way....

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter A.
Andrew. But, Rhonda and I call him Chuck. And strangely enough his given name is neither Andrew or Chuck or anything remotely similar.

Rhonda decided one day that if he could just call himself whatever he wanted that she would call him what she wanted; hence the name Chuck.

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter K.
Chuck's given name is Kevin-does that count?

Who is the first person on your received call list?
My boss. She was running late.

What does the last text message you received say?
Fuck this traffic!

Do you chew on your straw?
Yes. I especially like to do it when I am sharing a drink with Rhonda. It drives her batty.

Do you have curly hair?
This is a touchy topic. My hair will not hold a curl. They tried to give me a perm at least 6 times when i was young. Only 1 ever took. I can curl my hair but I never bother because it falls within 2 hours.

Where's the next place you are gonna go?
Home as far as I know.

Who's the rudest person in your life?
I refuse to answer this questions because I don't want to be dooced

What was the last thing you ate?
A blue raspberry Jolly Rancher

Will you get married in the future?
Only when the majority realize that making my 7+ year relationship legal in the eyes of the law will not undermine the sanctity of hetero marriage

What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
The only movie I can even remotely remember watching in the past two weeks is Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Which was on only for background noise. And because I <3 Angelina.

Is there anyone you like right now?
I agree with Maria. This totally sounds like a junior high question.

I do like Rhonda though. Even when she pisses me off.

When was the last time you did the dishes?
Last night. I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, forgot to start the dishwasher and then filled the sink up with dishes. It's a never ending cycle.

Are you currently depressed?
Yes. I'm trying to put off going to the doctor to be medicated but I don't think I can hold out much longer.

Did you cry today?
Not yet.

Queen of Evil

Monday, October 29, 2007

So Rhonda & I have had conversations numerous times regarding the evil that lives inside me. See I'm evil. I admit it. I embrace it. What makes it especially fun is that no one suspects me of being evil. They look at me and see a sweet, innocent person. But, in reality I am an evil spawn.

See I don't DO evil. I'm kind of like that devil sitting on someone's shoulder tempting them to do wrong. I plant the seeds of evil acts in people's minds.

To give you an example I'm going to confess something here that will get me into a world of trouble. Once Rhonda reads this you will probably be able to hear the screaming miles away.

See, Rhonda doesn't like clowns much. She's not truly phobic of them but she really doesn't like them. So, I, being the truly evil person that I am, called up her arch nemesis, the co-worker she is in a constant battle with to see who can harass the other the most. I used my powers of evil to put a bug in her ear.

Me: "How funny would it be if you could get as many people as possible in your office to dress up as clowns?"

Her: "Holy shit! That's awesome! Rhonda will shit her pants!"

Me: evil laughter

So...ummm honey? I'm the reason those 3 clowns jumped out from behind your desk this morning. But, I want you to know that I had no part in the decorating of your office! She came up with that one all on her own. And in my defense I never figured she would be able to get 5 other people to dress up with her.

And you should have let me dress you up all girlie like I wanted. So really you have no one to blame but yourself.