Holy shit

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Can someone please explain to me how this is a good idea? I cannot fathom how someone got the balls to bring this resolution up for a vote let alone the fact that the damn school board voted unanimously to allow teachers to carry GUNS TO SCHOOL!

Wow is pretty much all I can say. Because we all know that no teacher would ever screw up and leave their gun unattended or hell even if they're carrying it on them at all times aren't they just giving some pissed off kid easy access to a gun? How hard would it be for some high school kid to overpower an adult? Not that hard.

The fact that the parents didn't object to this amazes me.

I'm pretty much speechless.

Tequila

Monday, August 18, 2008

I would like to propose a new law. It involves tequila and food. Or better yet tequila and a lack of food. I think before any waiter or waitress serves someone tequila they should also inquire as to the last time that person ate. It would prevent many headaches and a whole lot of embarrassment. Although it did provide much enjoyment for me the next day when I was reminded of all the wonderful things I did & said the night before.

• Apparently I threatened to sue Sonic for false advertising.

• I was also extremely upset by the fact that Sonic had the instructions on how to make drinks and blasts on the outside of the drive-thru window. (they didn't)

• I also forgot how to say cake in Spanish so instead I listed off all the ingredients in hopes that they would be able to understand what I was asking for. However, I could only remember two ingredients so instead I kept asking for milk and eggs. And since I couldn't think of how to say flour I instead kept asking for pan (aka bread).

Tequila=many laughs for the sober ones

Because the stress has sucked the life out of me

Friday, August 08, 2008

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes, I have. More than once in fact.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

I try really hard not to but sometimes it happens involuntarily.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?

Wow. A loooong ass time ago. And now that I think about it...I've never been sledding on a traditional sled. We rarely ever get snow in the MidSouth and even rarer still do we get enough snow to sled in so no one I know even owns one. However, back in 8th grade my bff & I used trash can lids to "sled" down the street during the huge ice storm. Busted my ass so many times I could barely sit down.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

I would much rather sleep with R than alone.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, I do. My family has a history of being haunted by various ghosts and such. Just mention "George" to R and she flips out.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

My first reaction is no, I don't. However, I would like to think that somewhere deep inside me is a creative streak.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

There are people out there who think he didn't?? Wow.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Angelina hands down. She's actually at the top of my list :) And besides, Jennifer Aniston does nothing for me.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?

I've only successfully stayed friends with one ex and sadly we lost touch a long time ago. I really miss him! So Markel if you're out there, call me!

10. Do you know how to play poker?

Yes. I even think I understand how to play Texas Hold 'Em. Well, except for the whole betting thing. That really confuses me. I'm not allowed to play for money anyway. I have a tendency to try to bluff every single hand. And I never, ever fold. Even with shit cards.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Yes and it was scary and something I would prefer to forget. I get jittery if I don't have enough sleep every night so me with no sleep for 2 days is a thing of nightmares.

12. What's your favorite commercial?

I refuse to answer this question on the basis of possible ridicule.

13. What are you allergic to?

feather pillows which sucked a lot for me until I realized I could buy the ones with the faux down. They're still not as nice as feather pillows but they're MUCH better than regular cotton filled ones.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

Nope. I'd end up getting caught. It's just how my luck tends to run.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Doesn't everyone?

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

I don't really care for baseball. Or sports in general for that matter.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Talk about horrible memories. And horrible pain! The one time I went I could only stand up by holding onto the walls. Did I mention it was horrible?

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Not that often. Most of the time if I do it's because it was scary or upsetting in some way. Lately I've been waking up with the remnants of a dream in my mind but the harder I try to remember it the faster it goes away.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

The time I got tore up a few weeks ago when I attempted to break my all time record of liquor intake. I can't remember what I was laughing about though.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Sure can't.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?

Trying to figure out if stress can make you suddenly develop an eye twitch. My right eye has been twitching all day & it's freaking me the fuck out!

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?

Am I supposed to?

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Always, always, always. Well, at least since I was hit head on when I was 16. That was also the time I learned the value of the air bag. Scary times.

24. What cell service do you use?

Alltel. But, I guess it's Verizon now. I don't even know anyone who has Verizon. Yay or nay? We have until the end of the year to decide whether or not to renew our contract with Alltel thus locking Verizon into honoring the plan we have now.

25. Do you like Sushi?

NOM, NOM, NOM. Is that answer enough?

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

Accident? No. Fatality, yes? What can I say? I have some crazy ex-girlfriends.

27. What do you wear to bed?

Nothing.

28. Been caught stealing?

Great. Now I have that damn song stuck in my head. But, to answer the question- I might have as a kid.

29. what shoe size do you have?

Depends on the shoe. I can wear anywhere from like a 5 1/2 to a 7 1/2.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

I try really hard not to.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

I enjoy both. Just depends on the song and the mood.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

If I was single, Angeline Jolie. Although at this point she's scaring me with how skinny she is. I'd probably insist she gain some weight. I'd hate to break her.

33. Favorite Song?

I've never been able to answer this question. I probably have tons of favorite songs. Depends on the genre, mood, the day.... My favorite "deep" song is Metallica's "One." My favorite nostalgic song is Charlie Daniels "Drinkin' my baby goodbye." My current favorite is a song from the new Sugarland album "It Happens."

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?

Hasn't everyone?

35. What food do you find disgusting?

Balut.

36. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?

Isn't that like a childhood rite of passage?

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

I did this a lot when I was younger.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

Many, many times. I have a tendency to favor the underdog and I take it personally when an injustice occurs or when someone harms another person (i.e. bullying, domestic & child abuse, etc.)

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Yes, and it hurt like a bitch everytime.

Knee deep in kitttens or how I spent my weekend

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Once upon a time, many years ago R & I did a really, really stupid thing. We fed a stray cat. Our neighbors had a billion cats that they didn't take care of. We called the humane society but they refused to get involved and since we live outside city limits we have no animal control. This one cat kept coming to our house and she was sooooo cute. And sooooo skinny. So we fed her and she stuck around. And had kittens at our house. She died when the kittens were young and we were unable to get our hands on them. So 2 feral kittens became more feral kittens when they mated with the other neighborhood strays.

We've been catching the cats as we can and getting them fixed. However, one of them has been too slippery for us to catch and so we weren't really shocked when we looked outside a few weeks ago to see Fuffy with 4 teeny, tiny kittens. Fast forward to 3 weekends ago when we look outside to see all 4 kittens and Fuffy under our Honda Pilot. We assumed she was in the process of moving them and was just pausing briefly under our SUV. Not so much. Fuffy, not the world's brightest cat, decided that the best place to keep her kittens was under our SUV. So the following Monday R goes to get in the Pilot assuming the kittens would scamper off when she approached. Not so much. Instead they scampered up into the engine of the SUV. We opened the hood and was able to pull 2 of them out. However, the other 2 alluded us and therefore the Pilot was unable to be driven. The next day they again alluded us. By Wednesday we had gotten better and we were able to pull all 4 out, put them in a box and then put them in the yard, far away from the car. Thursday morning they were in the engine again. Again we pulled them out and placed them as far from the car as we could. That night we parked both cars behind the house in hopes Fuffy would find some other place for her kittens. We knew we were taking a risk that she would move them somewhere we wouldn't be able to get our hands on them but we also knew we couldn't keep removing the kittens from the engine each and every morning.

Luckily moving the car worked and Fuffy moved the kittens under our house. Yippee. Kittens under the house. Better than under the car I guess. We knew we had to give them a few weeks to start weening before we could take them from Fuffy. Our ultimate goal was to get Fuffy and all 4 kittens. We would take them inside and get them used to being touched. We already knew a few people who wanted kittens so we needed them to be as tame as possible. If we couldn't make Fuffy less feral acting then we would get her fixed and put her back outside once the kittens were adopted out. We decided last week was the week we were bringing them all in.

We pissed off our own cats by changing up the guest bedroom (a.k.a their bedroom) so we could prepare for the "guests." I bought some kitten food, extra bowls and disposable litter boxes. We were ready. Late last Saturday afternoon I went outside with a bowl of kitten food and a paper plate of tuna. I thought it would be sooo easy. I must have been delusional. I sat under the damn porch forever. R came out at one point and laughed at my attempts to draw them out. I threw tuna towards the entrance they used to get under the house. More of it hit the side of the house than anywhere near the entrance. R abandoned me when I started pelting the side of the house with kitten food in my attempt to get it into the entrance.

I didn't give up. Probably about 15 minutes later "Grant" came out see what the commotion and smell was. He stayed just out of reach so I kept flinging cat food at his feet until I lured him close enough to grab. I grabbed "Grant" and crawled out from under the porch. Keep in mind it is summer in Arkansas. I'm poring sweat and I'm covered in dirt and leaves and I have a billion mosquito bites. But, I caught me a kitten! I took him inside and handed him to R. I went back outside and started act 2 of kitten nabbing. I caught "Bartholomew" the same way I caught "Grant." Toss some kitten food until I was tossing it so close to me he had to come within my reach. I took "Bartholomew" in to R and grabbed the rest of the can of tuna and the entire bag of kitten food. I sat under the porch FOREVER waiting on the last 2. I got the last two within reach by flinging tuna in their direction. Unfortunately they both came at once and I knew I would only get one shot. I grabbed the bigger who that was closest as I also reached for the runt. The runt got away. I took "Lucien" in to R and we got them all set up. We've been taking them out of the kennel to play and hold them so they get used to and like people. We blocked off all the places they could hide where we couldn't easily reach them and let them run free in the room for a few hours last night. Nothing relives stress more than watching kittens body slam each other. Totally awesome.

We think we have takers for all 3 kittens. I hope we do!!! I'd still like to get the runt but I think I blew my chances Saturday. We'll just have to trap Fuffy and get her spayed and release her. And of course hope that we can catch the runt later or pray that he's a boy.

One good thing about this whole incident is I can now add this to my list of why our neighbors think we are bat shit crazy. First we start with climbing under the SUV first thing in the morning before work for three days in a row. Followed immediately by plucking kittens out of the engine, taking them to the edge of the house and sprinting back for the car. That was only topped by me sitting under our FRONT porch for close to 2 hours this Saturday flinging tuna & kitten food at the house.

Some of our neighbors already steer clear because we're "the lesbians." Hopefully now they'll stay clear because we're "the crazy."

And just so you understand the level of cuteness...I now present pictures taken with a REAL camera!!

The birthday so far

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Having R sing happy birthday while barely awake at 12:42 a.m.-endearing

Waking up at 2:30 a.m. for no reason and being unable to go back to sleep- sucky

Watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent from 3:00 a.m.-4:30 a.m.-strange way to kick start my birthday

Showering at 4:30 a.m.-bizarre

Sitting in line at Starbucks & my favorite donut place at 5:30 a.m. & 5:45 respectively-
surprisingly exhilarating

Having a birthday breakfast of a Triple Venti Nonfat, Wet Cappuccino & a fried cinnamon roll-downright decadent

Getting to work before 7:00 a.m.-should be a crime

Getting the lion's share of my "second job" done before 8:00 a.m.-makes me giddy

Knowing I'm off tomorrow-such a wonderful feeling I can't even think about it lest I start daydreaming about all the things I can get accomplished tomorrow

The fact that I'm spending my day off running around doing errand instead of relaxing-sad as hell

Amount of sense I made in this post-none

If you need me I'll be taking my lunch break to take out a restraining Order....

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I would like to preface this by saying I am not one to freak out over little things***

So in case something happens to me I think the first place anyone should look is the copier people we use at work.

Apparently they are stalking me. I was innocently sitting at the front desk this morning looking through the mail when an older, well-dressed (think suit & tie) gentleman comes in the front door.

He looked at me and said, "Jennifer?" I said yes. He said, "And Thursday is?" I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Excuse me?" He again replied, "And Thursday is?" I think I just stared at him blankly that time. After a few seconds of my confused stare he handed me a flyer with a picture of a birthday cake that said:

Happy Birthday Jennifer LastName (which was misspelled)
July 24th

It had the copy company's logo on the bottom. I looked at it (very confused) and said thanks. He said you're welcome and walked outside, got into a Mercedes SUV and drove away.

First things first. We only hired this copier company last week so it's not like we're longtime customers.

Second, I've never had ANY contact with the copier company.

Third, Why in the hell would they drive around town to deliver birthday flyers? In a Mercedes SUV no less!Do they know how much gas costs?

Fourth, how did they A) Know my full name and B) know it was my birthday

We're a small firm. I asked everyone here and they have no idea how the copier people got my name or knew it was my birthday. So it's obvious that the one time the repairman was here he went back to his office and told everyone how lovely I was and now they are stalking me.

***by "I am not one to freak out over little things" I really mean--I tend to freak out & focus on weird shit that happens to me.

No vacancies

Friday, July 18, 2008

I swear every picture I post starts with the disclaimer: sorry for the crappy cell phone pic.

Hell, why change anything today?

This is what the bed looked like when I went to get into it last night. Not pictured is Leroy sprawled out beside her once I came back from putting the phone up. Sorry again for the crappy cell phone pic.


I swear one day I'll take a picture with a real live camera. If I can find one. Or remember how to operate it once I locate it.

I remember back in the day when R & I swore we would never let the dog sleep in the bed. We stayed true to our resolve for a whole year! And then after forgetting the baby gate at the cabin we rented for our anniversary we kinda enjoyed the cute, warm puppy sprawled at our feet. So once we got home we let her sleep in the bed. And she's slowly but surely taking up more and more room. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she is now fully grown. It has more to do with her impression that WE are encroaching on her bed space and she needs to take it back at all costs.

Also not pictured is Ryley laying lengthwise on my side of the bed putting her hind legs in my stomach and shoving for all she's worth.

In addition to having to constantly fight for bed space I also woke up roughly every 30-45 minutes last night. I'm tired and the bed thievery will not fly tonight. Tonight I will be taking back the bed. Or you know, sleeping on the floor. Whatever.