The woman I love

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Is it any wonder I love my wife? I mean how many women get emails like this from their partner:

My gas smells like chickens have taken up roost in my anus. And while patiently sitting on their eggs they were attacked by wolverine who killed 3 and wounded 2 others. The dead were carried off but not before the wolverine scent marked the chicken's home. 1 of the wounded chickens later succumbed to her injuries and died, leaving the last lonely chicken trying to sit on 5 different nests to hatch the eggs while nursing an infected left wing. Unfortunately it wasn't possible to incubate the eggs alone and so the now rotten eggs and dead chicken are leaking from my ass.

How's your day?

I mean come on. You're having a shitty day and then you open your email and find some jewel such as this one.

Luckily no one was in the office when I read this because I laughed so loud they probably would have come running.

She's a keeper.

Ebay

Am I the only person who has a love-hate relationship with Ebay? I've been wanting to try a new brand of makeup for a while so when Sephora came out with their best of a while back I decided I would try some of the items on their list.

Well, I hate to spend money. Ok, I really LOVE to spend money but I hate this whole debt thing and the whole not being able to shop for a new house....but that's a whole other rant.

So, being frugal (read: CHEAP!) I decided to look on Ebay for samples of the makeup I could buy at a fraction of the cost so I could try it out before I spent megabucks. Let me say this to all those people who outbid me on the Bare Escentuals Get Started Eyes Kit- you people may have outbid me no less than 38 times on 24 different auctions--but I prevailed!!

I try to stay away from Ebay as much as possible because I become addicted to it so very easily. Once I start bidding I can't stop. I have to force myself away from the computer.

I start searching for obscure shit like Gone With the Wind collectibles that I haven't collected since I was young or funny t-shirts. Things I have absolutely no need for. I'll spend days engrossed in Ebay, searching, bidding like a maniac, screaming out loud when people outbid me.

However, once I tear myself away I can leave it alone for months. But, in the back of my mind I know it's always there waiting for me. It knows I'll be back. After all, it's almost time for Christmas shopping.

Morning

Monday, October 22, 2007

I like quiet in the morning. Which of course had lead to the death of many alarm clocks in my possession. When I lived alone I got to the point where I would have to position the alarm clock across the room or I would:

A) Ignore the beeping alarm for a long period of time only to finally reach over, grab the alarm clock and violently hoist it across the room or

B) Somehow turn the stupid thing off completely in my sleep

Some days I was late for class or work. Other days I had a dented (or sometimes destroyed) alarm clock.

Luckily my wife takes care of waking me up in the morning now so I can proudly say I haven't harmed an alarm clock in over five years.

So yeah I am soooo not a morning person. I would rather growl than speak. And if you try to talk to me too much I may become violent.

Why knowing this do people insist on speaking to me before 9:00a.m.?

It's early; it's Monday; it's raining and I have pms. Hopefully, those around me will survive.