Friday, January 18, 2008

Confidential to those who are landing here via the google search string lesbian sleep:

Yes, quite well. Thanks for asking.

Oh baby!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

So the whole baby issue keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. I know it has a lot to do with this feeling of running out of time that I've suddenly developed. R's pretty sure she doesn't want kids. I'm smack dab in between of no thanks I'll pass and I don't know.

I like kids; I really do. But, the whole changing my life completely and totally thing? Freaks me the fuck out.

When we first got Ryley I thought we were going to either kill one another or her throughout the first six months. She was up and down all night. We had to constantly play, play, play to wear her out in hopes that she would sleep through the night. We won't even get into the sharp puppy teeth. I still have nightmares about those.

It was all Ryley all the time from the time we woke up until we went to sleep. And then it got better. She started sleeping through the night. She started losing those razor teeth. She could go outside by herself. Now? I think she's the best dog in the whole wide world. Yes, she gets on my nerves occasionally, but those hellacious months were worth the dog we have now. She's not even 3 yet so I can still remember all the bad times. And yet? While I love that dog so much? I think she is the first and last dog we will own. Even though I love her so much it hurts? I don't want to go through that 6 months of hell ever again.

And a baby? Is so much worse than a puppy. Like a gazillion times worse. Yet, every time I see a baby my ovaries freak the fuck out. They start screaming. Or if I start thinking about the whole "oh if I don't have children who will take care of me when I'm 90?" or "if I don't have kids--when I die that's it--no part of me will live on through someone else." Pretty stupid reasons for wanting a kid, no?

However, those aren't the main reasons. Part of me wants to experience the joys (and yes the horrors) of parenthood such as being pregnant, giving birth, seeing our child for the first time, the first step, etc.

Yet, when I see a screaming kid in the store? My ovaries die a little. They also lose a bit of life when I think about being pregnant, giving birth, no sleep, dirty diapers, the first time they get in trouble and the idea of bringing a child into this fucked up world.

And honestly? I like life the way it is. We get to sleep through the night, we don't have to worry about childcare or if we're getting enough couple time. Not to mention the fact that kids are hella expensive. As is the conception part.

So for now it's a moot point anyway. We aren't in a place where we could afford to try to conceive or pay for the kid.

But my ovaries? They aren't listening.