Our story

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

When R and I first met I was only a week past my 20th birthday. R, 28, had sworn off women any younger than 25. We met -wait for the cliché-online in 2000. My girlfriend and I had just split up two weeks earlier and I had just moved to a somewhat strange town an hour from my hometown with no friends nearby. So I was on AOL (this was 8 years ago--we've grown so much since then) and I just looked up any lesbians in Arkansas online at that moment. Lo and behold there she was. Her profile sounded interesting so I IMed her. We were both just out of long-term relationships and neither of us were looking for anything other than a friend.

We talked. A lot. Like every day. Multiple times a day. At just about any opportunity we could get. I thought she was the funniest person I had ever spoken to (still do) and she thought I was pretty hilarious as well. We eventually graduated to talking on the phone. Months passed. Feelings developed and grew. We decided to meet. Did I mention we lived 2 1/2 hours apart?

So Labor Day weekend 2000 R came for a visit. It pretty much solidified and intensified all the feelings we had developed for one another. She came down on Saturday and had planned to leave the next day. She stayed until Monday.

Things went really well until November. Then R got spooked. She was just out of an on again off again long-term relationship. I was 20. Things were going really, really well. So she ran.

And I said, "you'll be back." Wasn't I just a cocky little shit?

So she ran. And I did what any 20 year old would do. I partied. I went to Memphis and hung out with my ex, old friends, new friends. I partied my ass off. I usually rolled in around 7am. Slept all day and then started again round about 5pm. This went on for over a week.

Some of my new friends started staying the night at my apartment. Nothing ever happened. I wasn't interested in any of them. I only wanted R. But, she was off partying herself.

Did I mention we still talked? I had to make sure she knew I was living it up. A little petty, yes. But, I needed her to know I wasn't sitting at home moping.

Then comes the night that she found out that these new friends were staying the night at my place. Can we say eruption? R lost her shit. I advised her that since we weren't together she had no right to inquire as to who was or wasn't at my place.

Needless to say my prediction came true and we were back together within days.

Looking back I can't believe how silly and immature we were. I also can't believe how cocky I was. Because that is nothing like me. I never act that way. I guess drastic times call for drastic measures. And they paid off.

We did the long distance thing for a little over a year and a half. Then in 2002 we bought a house together a town over from where she had been living. And I left behind that horrid little town I had been living in.

And here we are now. Our 8th anniversary is coming up this year. And when I think of how we met, the split, the age difference and the long distance thing, I'm pretty amazed that we made it through with so little bumps. I think the odds were against us. I think if we had done the traditional U-Haul cliché we would have had a much harder time. But, we beat the odds and shocked quite a few friends. And ourselves.

And I couldn't be happier with us.

Oh baby!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

So the whole baby issue keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. I know it has a lot to do with this feeling of running out of time that I've suddenly developed. R's pretty sure she doesn't want kids. I'm smack dab in between of no thanks I'll pass and I don't know.

I like kids; I really do. But, the whole changing my life completely and totally thing? Freaks me the fuck out.

When we first got Ryley I thought we were going to either kill one another or her throughout the first six months. She was up and down all night. We had to constantly play, play, play to wear her out in hopes that she would sleep through the night. We won't even get into the sharp puppy teeth. I still have nightmares about those.

It was all Ryley all the time from the time we woke up until we went to sleep. And then it got better. She started sleeping through the night. She started losing those razor teeth. She could go outside by herself. Now? I think she's the best dog in the whole wide world. Yes, she gets on my nerves occasionally, but those hellacious months were worth the dog we have now. She's not even 3 yet so I can still remember all the bad times. And yet? While I love that dog so much? I think she is the first and last dog we will own. Even though I love her so much it hurts? I don't want to go through that 6 months of hell ever again.

And a baby? Is so much worse than a puppy. Like a gazillion times worse. Yet, every time I see a baby my ovaries freak the fuck out. They start screaming. Or if I start thinking about the whole "oh if I don't have children who will take care of me when I'm 90?" or "if I don't have kids--when I die that's it--no part of me will live on through someone else." Pretty stupid reasons for wanting a kid, no?

However, those aren't the main reasons. Part of me wants to experience the joys (and yes the horrors) of parenthood such as being pregnant, giving birth, seeing our child for the first time, the first step, etc.

Yet, when I see a screaming kid in the store? My ovaries die a little. They also lose a bit of life when I think about being pregnant, giving birth, no sleep, dirty diapers, the first time they get in trouble and the idea of bringing a child into this fucked up world.

And honestly? I like life the way it is. We get to sleep through the night, we don't have to worry about childcare or if we're getting enough couple time. Not to mention the fact that kids are hella expensive. As is the conception part.

So for now it's a moot point anyway. We aren't in a place where we could afford to try to conceive or pay for the kid.

But my ovaries? They aren't listening.

The holiday recap...

Friday, December 28, 2007

I actually feel worse than I did yesterday so if this post doesn't make much sense please blame the copious amounts of OTC drugs I've been taking. With that disclaimer in place here is a recap of the holidays...

On Saturday R & I headed out to Memphis. We had rain for about 95% of the drive down so it kinda sucked, especially since R wouldn't let me drive. Something about rain and speeding not mixing. Who knows? I did finally get to drive about 20 miles before Memphis. We had dinner at my Mom's and she plied me with liquor which prompted me to pass out in the chair round about 10:00.

We got up around 7am Sunday morning and started cooking. Let me say that I have a new found respect for my mother seeing all the work that goes into these dinners. Jesus. My Mom is somewhat of a control freak so we usually started helping in one area and were then pushed off into another area so she could finish it. I did make my sweet potato balls with no outside interference. And they seemed to go over well as only 8 of the 33 I made survived the onslaught of our hungry family.

We finally got to shower and get ready around 11am. After which we took the dog out for her billionth run of the day. She of course ended up in the pond.

Everyone showed up and we got to eat around 2:00. Everything went really well. There was no blood shed. There were even pictures taken of my Mom and her 3 sisters. And there was a picture taken of all the grandchildren (minus the 1 that had already left and the 2 that live in Alaska). Let me just say for the record--I'm real bitter about this height thing. I was downstairs saying goodbye to my step-father's family when they started calling me upstairs. I knew what it was for and I wasn't happy about it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren. And the shortest. The boys tower over me. And when I say tower I mean most of them are over 6'. Tall bastards. Anyway. I hate standing near them because I always hear about how short I am etc. Now I have visual proof of the unfairness of the distribution of the height gene in my family.

Everyone was gone by about 8pm except one aunt, uncle and cousin. While they are usually the last to leave--they hung out until 10:30!! We still had to open presents, which we did round about 11pm. R & I made out well. There was an Mp4 player, gift cards, CDs, a robe, and all the things we asked for.

The best moment of the whole dinner was forcing R to try coke salad. I've never seen anyone throw their hands up and start shaking over one small bite of food. Wish we had got that on camera.

We headed out about 10am Christmas Eve. We ran by Kroger on the way home to get the fixings for the sandwiches we would be having at R's sister's the next day. Let me say this--do not ever attempt a visit to a grocery store on Christmas Eve. The other shoppers would sooner kill you than be nice. Luckily I was first in line at the deli but within a minute there were about 6 people behind me in line and they were already cussing and raising a fit.

We just relaxed for the rest of the day Christmas Eve and went to R's sister's around 11am Christmas Day. We hung out watching the kids open presents, ate sandwiches and just visited for a few hours.

I was off Wednesday so I did some running around--attempted a return, went to the pet store, the pharmacy and the gas station. Then I came home and just vegged out.

I didn't have to come into work until 1pm yesterday so I tried to sleep in but this cold pretty much makes sleeping impossible.

After today I'm off until Wednesday! We have no plans for the New Year for which I am glad. I would love to just chill out and be with my girl. Maybe have a few drinks at home. If we're feeling better maybe we could do a New Year's Eve lunch at the new sushi place.

So there it is. The recap. Stay tuned for the New Year's recap which will probably go something like this: took Sudafed, Claritin, Emergenc-e, and a handful of Halls. Whined a lot. Rinse. Repeat.

Hope everyone has a happy & safe New Year!

Reunion

Monday, December 17, 2007

Well, my feelings of guilt over not being able to attend the wedding have subsided a bit.

Friday night I got a call from my brother. He was on leave and was currently on his way home to Oklahoma. He said they would be coming through Arkansas either Saturday or Sunday so we made plans to meet up when he came through.

I am so very happy at this turn of events. I was feeling so damn guilty for not going to the upcoming wedding and there I was being granted an opportunity to see the brother I had only met once before, eleven years ago.

I've always said that the only luck I have is bad luck, but it looks like I was proven wrong this weekend.

R & I met up with them Saturday night. It was really, really great seeing him. He's not the 10 year old boy that I last saw. He's now 21 year and getting married this Saturday. Wow. It freaks me out every time I think about it.

It was also great getting to meet my future sister-in-law. I also got to see my ex-step-mother again and C's half-sister who was 4 the one and only time I met her.

It was a great visit; albeit too short.

C will be passing through Arkansas once or twice more between now and February when he reports to Ft. Lewis, Washington. And then he'll be off to Kuwait or Baghdad. Which for now, I cannot talk about as it makes me cry.

So while I still won't see him get married, I did get to see him and meet his future bride and for that I'm thankful.

The Wedding

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So my 21 year old half-brother is getting married December 22nd. I think it's kind of a last minute thing as he left for basic training in August and I just got word of the upcoming nuptials in November.

Sadly, I will be unable to attend for numerous reasons. The main one being I don't want to run into my father for the first time in 21 years at my brother's wedding.

I tried to rationalize that he would not even recognize me but R pointed out that at some point it is very likely he will overhear someone introduce me as C's sister. If I could guarantee that he would not approach me I would go. However, there are no guarantees and I'm not a saint by any means. It would be hard enough being in the same room with the man but if he approached me I don't think I could hold my shit together and I really don't want to ruin my brother's wedding.

I know I should suck it up and deal with it for my brother but I honestly don't think I can. I do have to be in Memphis the morning after his wedding which is like 500 miles away. While I could fly to his wedding and then to Memphis that would leave R making a 3 hour drive to Memphis alone with the dog. Not to mention it would probably cost me around $1,000 for the flight, hotel room and rental car. All of which are valid excuses.

So why do I still feel like hell for not going?