The holiday recap...

Friday, December 28, 2007

I actually feel worse than I did yesterday so if this post doesn't make much sense please blame the copious amounts of OTC drugs I've been taking. With that disclaimer in place here is a recap of the holidays...

On Saturday R & I headed out to Memphis. We had rain for about 95% of the drive down so it kinda sucked, especially since R wouldn't let me drive. Something about rain and speeding not mixing. Who knows? I did finally get to drive about 20 miles before Memphis. We had dinner at my Mom's and she plied me with liquor which prompted me to pass out in the chair round about 10:00.

We got up around 7am Sunday morning and started cooking. Let me say that I have a new found respect for my mother seeing all the work that goes into these dinners. Jesus. My Mom is somewhat of a control freak so we usually started helping in one area and were then pushed off into another area so she could finish it. I did make my sweet potato balls with no outside interference. And they seemed to go over well as only 8 of the 33 I made survived the onslaught of our hungry family.

We finally got to shower and get ready around 11am. After which we took the dog out for her billionth run of the day. She of course ended up in the pond.

Everyone showed up and we got to eat around 2:00. Everything went really well. There was no blood shed. There were even pictures taken of my Mom and her 3 sisters. And there was a picture taken of all the grandchildren (minus the 1 that had already left and the 2 that live in Alaska). Let me just say for the record--I'm real bitter about this height thing. I was downstairs saying goodbye to my step-father's family when they started calling me upstairs. I knew what it was for and I wasn't happy about it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren. And the shortest. The boys tower over me. And when I say tower I mean most of them are over 6'. Tall bastards. Anyway. I hate standing near them because I always hear about how short I am etc. Now I have visual proof of the unfairness of the distribution of the height gene in my family.

Everyone was gone by about 8pm except one aunt, uncle and cousin. While they are usually the last to leave--they hung out until 10:30!! We still had to open presents, which we did round about 11pm. R & I made out well. There was an Mp4 player, gift cards, CDs, a robe, and all the things we asked for.

The best moment of the whole dinner was forcing R to try coke salad. I've never seen anyone throw their hands up and start shaking over one small bite of food. Wish we had got that on camera.

We headed out about 10am Christmas Eve. We ran by Kroger on the way home to get the fixings for the sandwiches we would be having at R's sister's the next day. Let me say this--do not ever attempt a visit to a grocery store on Christmas Eve. The other shoppers would sooner kill you than be nice. Luckily I was first in line at the deli but within a minute there were about 6 people behind me in line and they were already cussing and raising a fit.

We just relaxed for the rest of the day Christmas Eve and went to R's sister's around 11am Christmas Day. We hung out watching the kids open presents, ate sandwiches and just visited for a few hours.

I was off Wednesday so I did some running around--attempted a return, went to the pet store, the pharmacy and the gas station. Then I came home and just vegged out.

I didn't have to come into work until 1pm yesterday so I tried to sleep in but this cold pretty much makes sleeping impossible.

After today I'm off until Wednesday! We have no plans for the New Year for which I am glad. I would love to just chill out and be with my girl. Maybe have a few drinks at home. If we're feeling better maybe we could do a New Year's Eve lunch at the new sushi place.

So there it is. The recap. Stay tuned for the New Year's recap which will probably go something like this: took Sudafed, Claritin, Emergenc-e, and a handful of Halls. Whined a lot. Rinse. Repeat.

Hope everyone has a happy & safe New Year!

Bleh

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I'm here. But, I'm not.

I have a cold and I'm miserable.

And I was spoiled by the past 5 1/2 days off.

Christmas was good. The entire family was there with the exception of my two uncles who live far away. It went surprisingly well. There was no family drama at all. I was very worried about how it would turn out as we haven't been getting together much since my grandparents died. There wasn't much family drama when they were around--they all seemed able to keep it in check, but once my grandparents were gone things blew up and we've kinda split into smaller groups for holiday functions. All in all it went well though.

I'm off to find more cough drops. Hopefully, I'll feel well enough tomorrow to post something with a little more depth.

Grad school

Friday, December 21, 2007

I don't know why the thought of grad school terrifies me so. I'm in the process of getting my application in (after an 8 month delay). I don't know why I am dragging my feet.

I guess there could be many reasons for the terror and the procrastination.

-I'm worried that I will submit my application and they will turn me down.
-I'm worried I'm not smart enough.
-I'm worried because I've never taken a class in this subject.
-I'm worried about the thousands of dollars I am going to add to my already large student loan bill.
-I'm worried about not working full-time when it comes time for my internships (i.e. will we have enough money to pay the bills the 12 weeks I am unable to work at all or the other 9 months I am unable to work full-time)

UGH! I know I can't keep dragging my feet. My undergrad degree didn't really open any doors for me so I know I need to do something.

There's also the fact that my bosses really, really want me to go to law school. Which is funny because growing up I always, always wanted to be a lawyer. I was wearing Harvard Law t-shirts at 11.

It's scary enough deciding to go back and incur more debt and pretty much ensure I have no free time from the moment I start until graduation. But, then there's the idea that I'm scared I'm going to choose wrong.

If I go for my Masters I can get in and out in 2-3 years with a post certificate which will let me go for even more credentialing through the state. But, once I start my internships I will have to stop working full-time.

If I go for my JD it would take me four years--but I wouldn't have to stop working full-time and I would have the support of my employers.

Just from looking around it looks like there are way more opportunities for me to use the Masters than the JD as lawyers I know say the job market isn't what it used to be.

I've already taken the MAT and I won't be able to start grad school until next fall so I've thought about just taking the LSAT in the mean time but it's going to cost me over $350.00 just to take the test--that doesn't even cover any prep materials.

Damn this shit is scary. Growing up and being an adult sucks sometimes, ya know?

Random Bits

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I don't want to alarm anyone but I do believe hell has frozen over.

I put in a service call to our landlord over our thermostat (at work).

The technician showed up 20 minutes later and replaced it, no questions asked.

I almost fell over from the shock of it. Or it could have been from listening to someone on the telephone go on and on for over twenty minutes. Either way, I was lightheaded for a minute there.
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I have found a name for my fear of grasshoppers! Acridophobia. Sounds official! (Well, as official as one can get by searching for grasshopper phobia via Google) Maybe now R will refrain from terrorizing me with the little bastards.

Yeah. I doubt it'll happen. But, I can always hope.

Reunion

Monday, December 17, 2007

Well, my feelings of guilt over not being able to attend the wedding have subsided a bit.

Friday night I got a call from my brother. He was on leave and was currently on his way home to Oklahoma. He said they would be coming through Arkansas either Saturday or Sunday so we made plans to meet up when he came through.

I am so very happy at this turn of events. I was feeling so damn guilty for not going to the upcoming wedding and there I was being granted an opportunity to see the brother I had only met once before, eleven years ago.

I've always said that the only luck I have is bad luck, but it looks like I was proven wrong this weekend.

R & I met up with them Saturday night. It was really, really great seeing him. He's not the 10 year old boy that I last saw. He's now 21 year and getting married this Saturday. Wow. It freaks me out every time I think about it.

It was also great getting to meet my future sister-in-law. I also got to see my ex-step-mother again and C's half-sister who was 4 the one and only time I met her.

It was a great visit; albeit too short.

C will be passing through Arkansas once or twice more between now and February when he reports to Ft. Lewis, Washington. And then he'll be off to Kuwait or Baghdad. Which for now, I cannot talk about as it makes me cry.

So while I still won't see him get married, I did get to see him and meet his future bride and for that I'm thankful.

Weather

Friday, December 14, 2007

Living in Arkansas (or the South in general) means dealing with many, many different forms of insanity.

Take the current weather for example. In the past two weeks our temps have fluctuated from the 70's to the 30's. One day it will be 70 and the next 55.

Frankly, it's getting a bit old. It's a little bizarre when you can go from wearing a sweater to a short sleeved shirt in two days time.

The other thing with Arkansas is people's reaction to the weather. For instance: I am worried about facing the people who are going to flock to the stores when they hear that we have a minuscule chance of getting snow/freezing rain tomorrow. Doesn't matter that it will be too warm to stick. People hear snow/ice and they freak.

And naturally we have to go to the grocery store for the usual things plus all the makings for the cookies we will be baking Sunday morning. I think I'm going to push for a 3am grocery run. Heh. R will love that!

Having said all of the above I am very thankful that we aren't facing the weather problems that so many others have been facing the past week or so and my thoughts are with everyone who is/has been dealing with these disasters.

The Wedding

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So my 21 year old half-brother is getting married December 22nd. I think it's kind of a last minute thing as he left for basic training in August and I just got word of the upcoming nuptials in November.

Sadly, I will be unable to attend for numerous reasons. The main one being I don't want to run into my father for the first time in 21 years at my brother's wedding.

I tried to rationalize that he would not even recognize me but R pointed out that at some point it is very likely he will overhear someone introduce me as C's sister. If I could guarantee that he would not approach me I would go. However, there are no guarantees and I'm not a saint by any means. It would be hard enough being in the same room with the man but if he approached me I don't think I could hold my shit together and I really don't want to ruin my brother's wedding.

I know I should suck it up and deal with it for my brother but I honestly don't think I can. I do have to be in Memphis the morning after his wedding which is like 500 miles away. While I could fly to his wedding and then to Memphis that would leave R making a 3 hour drive to Memphis alone with the dog. Not to mention it would probably cost me around $1,000 for the flight, hotel room and rental car. All of which are valid excuses.

So why do I still feel like hell for not going?

Will wonders never cease?

Monday, December 10, 2007

So my proposed boycotting of the exchange of Christmas presents failed for the second time so R & I have been busting our asses getting shopping done.

We went shopping Saturday. And let me just say sweet Jesus people have lost their ever loving minds. I will say that this whole Christmas shopping thing just solidifies my belief that people are inherently evil. And I'm not even talking about myself this time.

Just one example: We were checking out at one store and I said that we had been unable to locate a salesperson in a particular department--was there anyone working the floor over there? Her only response--no. WTF? She didn't ask if we had found what we needed (we hadn't) nor did she offer to get someone over there.

There was a whole line of people behind us including a couple of very elderly ladies who probably wouldn't have appreciated any fit I threw. So I let it go. Yes, you heard it here first. I let it go.

The increasing number of my random acts of kindness is beginning to frighten me.

Customer service has died and I keep getting nicer. Maybe this IS the season for miracles after all!

Nice!

Friday, December 07, 2007

I want to know who thought this design was a good idea.

Well, I guess if you want to fit in with the cocaine snorting crowd without that pesky addiction you can always flash this as your stash.

College

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Reading this post at Syd's made me think of some of the things I did in college.

One of my favorite memories includes a stolen 6' tall cutout of Bill Dance, a hand-written sign and an outdoor bulletin board on one of the main campus walkways.

Or the "imprint" of my face on the side, glass door of our dorm that stayed there for at least an entire semester.

Or the time a friend convinced our math teacher that I had pawned the school issued calculator.

Or the time she had one of our entire intro classes convinced I was sleeping with the professor for a good grade.

And I won't even get into the really mean things we did to one another or hell even start on the things we did while drinking.

It's a miracle we never got into real trouble. It probably helps that I look sweet and innocent.

Niceties

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What in the hell has happened to customer service/the general niceness of people? I honestly dread going to just about any retail location because I know I am going to:

1) get horrible service;
2) encounter rude people; and
3) become even more disgusted with people in general.

What has happened to people? When did we dispense with the niceties? Because I think we should go back.

I have worked in customer service. Hell, just about every job I have had has had some customer service function in it. Except when I worked in social services. But, even then I started out trying to be nice to the clients until I realized that just painted me a sucker in their eyes. But, I digress.

What happened to the days when you went into a grocery store or what have you and the clerk greeted you--or hell just acknowledged your presence? What about the days when these same clerks said thank you or hell even verbalized anything?? There have been times I have gone through a check out without the cashier making any sound, not even to acknowledge my greeting. On days when I am already pissy I usually say "you're welcome" in a very irritated voice when the transaction is complete and just walk away.

Or how about when they stand there and talk to their co-workers refusing to even acknowledge your presence?

And the people I encounter! They would rather run over you than be nice to you. I was in the store Friday and a woman in an electric scooter was trying to get toilet paper off the shelf. She was struggling and people were just walking by, not even noticing. I walked up, helped her out and was on my way in a matter of seconds. Why did everyone else that passed her before I got there ignore her?

I was in the Post Office Saturday morning and this woman was holding a toddler and a package; the kid dropped his toy and I reached down to pick it up for him. The woman looked shocked. Tell me there's not something wrong when people appear more shocked when a stranger gives you a hand than when someone does something rude to them.

When did people become so callous towards one another? When did customer service die?

Sleep

Monday, December 03, 2007

Well, the weekend is over again. Too fucking soon if you ask me. But, then again I really hate Mondays.

I can never, ever sleep on Sunday nights. I usually resort to taking a Benadryl or two to knock me out, but some nights even this doesn't work & I spend the whole night tossing & turning. Alternated of course by glaring at R & the dog who are snoozing peacefully. This of course makes me mad. How dare they sleep while I lay here wide awake? R has woken up many times to me saying (not so quietly), "I really hate y'all," or "You two fucking suck." Aren't I a gem?

I used to have problems sleeping Sunday nights after I slept in all weekend. I don't really do that anymore. Which is absolutely shocking to my mother. When I stayed at her house for Thanksgiving I was up the next day at 6:00. In the morning. Without the aid of an alarm.

I am the person who used to sleep till noon at the earliest. Sometimes more like 4:00 p.m. When R & I first met I was still like this. Gradually (and with the help of having a normal 8-5 job) I began waking up before noon on weekends. Now, I don't like to sleep in past 9:00 a.m. I feel like I've wasted a good chunk of my day if I do.

What the fuck happened to me? I know I don't stay out partying until 7:00 a.m. anymore. Hell, we rarely stay out past midnight. We get together with friends for dinner & drinks & we're all yawning at 10:00.

While I no longer need 10-12 hours of sleep to feel human( read: detox after a night of partying), I do need at least 6 good hours. Preferably 8 to ensure my smiley, happy disposition (read: my not ripping someone's head off, only slightly pissy disposition).

Needless to say (if you can't already tell from the above ramble) I didn't sleep well & I'm barely functioning. If you need me I'll be the one with the coffee pot & the straw.

Coming Out

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I had a relatively easy coming out. Both times. Yes, I came out, went back in and came out again. Leave it to me to do things in a completely messed up way.

I came out the first time at 17. Actually it was more my mom asking and me saying yes. Then I heard the whole spiel about it being a phase and maybe she and I should go to counseling to talk about it...blah, blah, blah.

My mother hated my then girlfriend, Psycho (for very good reason) and she basically forbid us from seeing one another. That of course lead to a bunch of teen angst which involved us sneaking around to see each other but eventually we went our separate ways on our own.

This is when I went back in the closet. I started dating guys again, trying so desperately to be "normal." I also just wanted to make my mom happy.

So I spend the next 10 months or so dating guys and trying my damnedest to be just like everyone else.

Needless to say it didn't really work out. I started dating girls again and this one girl and I had been dating for probably 6 months or so when my mom asked if she and I were like me and Psycho. I said yes and this led us into a more in depth discussion than my previous coming out.

She told me that while this wasn't the life she would have chosen for me; she loved me no matter what. It was such a profound conversation. It really gave me the approval that I was seeking in order for me to feel comfortable being who I am. I've been out since and I haven't looked back.

However, there are still members of my family with whom we do not discuss my sexuality. We have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Everyone in my family knows (and loves) Rhonda. And while I know that they know that we're together, we just don't talk about it. If they ask me I will admit it freely. But they don't. And they never will.

Some people I know feel this is a betrayal of who I am as a lesbian. I have never been one to stand on a rooftop and proclaim anything about myself. I am a private person.

And while some people may view my lack of in your face attitude as a betrayal; I say whatever works and makes you happy.

Bleh

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ok, so I did the Thanksgiving thing in Mississippi which entailed 12+ hours in the car spread out over Thursday and Friday; 4+ hours of which I was a helpless passenger in a truck driven by insane people.

Am I the only one wishing this holiday season was already over with?

I've been screaming every time I hear Christmas music.

I've only bought one Christmas present.

I'm tired of hearing about it and I am soooooooooo ready for January!

Any ideas on how to get in the Christmas spirit or at least survive this holiday season without throttling someone?

100 things

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

1. My girlfriend & I have been together since 2000
2. She is eight years older than I am
3. It's only obvious when she talks about music, t.v. shows, movies...
4. I'm an only child (except for a half-brother I have only met twice)
5. My mom tried to have another baby when I was 23 or so
6. It really freaked me out
7. I'm sad she wasn't successful
8. Most days I don't want children
9. Some days my ovaries scream so loud I can't concentrate
10. On these days my girlfriend threatens to take me to Chuck-E-Cheese
11. We have two cats & a dog
12. Taylor is a calico and Leroy is solid black
13. I always wanted a black cat
14. Leroy came into our lives on my birthday in 2002
15. He has never been my cat
16. In fact he will only give me love if my girlfriend isn't watching
17. Taylor used to be my cat
18. Now she belongs to whoever holds the treat bag
19. The dog is an equal opportunity lover
20. She's a chocolate lab. Enough said.
21. I am short
22. Like 4'11 & 3/4
23. The 3/4 is very important & should never be left off
24. I am very bitter about being short
25. I'm originally from Memphis
26. I like not living there anymore
27. I have a college degree
28. It really didn't open up any doors for me
29. I'm in the process of applying to a Master's program
30. I 'll have to stop working full-time to finish it
31. That terrifies me
32. Which explains why I'm dragging my feet about applying
33. I'm addicted to coffee
34. I'm also a coffee snob
35. Folger's & such makes me cringe
36. I am deathly afraid of grasshoppers
37. I truly believe they are evil spawns
38. I used to live in a town that was over-run by them
39. I have slight OCD tendencies
40. I have to turn door knobs four times to make sure they are locked
41. I can't stand for my hands or my feet to be dirty
42. I have been this way since I was a child
43. I have 3 tattoos
44. My mom recently discovered one of them a few months ago
45. I've had it for 6 years
46. I haven't seen my deadbeat dad since I was 6
47. I was raised by my mom
48. Her best friend moved in when I was 6 & we all lived together until I moved out at 18
49. They were just friends
50. It never occurred to me that people might think they were more
51. My mom remarried two months after I moved out
52. I locked myself in the bathroom & cried after the ceremony
53. I love to read
54. It irritates people how fast I read
55. I read Gone With the Wind in 2 days
56. I was 9
57. I prefer blue pens to black ones
58. Especially if they are the cheap Papermate ones
59. I have very little patience
60. Which leads to my incredible bouts of road rage
61. I came out twice.
62. I was 17 the first time
63. I was 18 the second time
64. I'm a registered Democrat
65. A lot of my family members are conservative
66. Conservative rednecks to be exact
67. This makes for interesting holidays
68. Growing up I never wanted to be a rockstar or actor
69. I wanted to be a judge
70. I tend to favor the underdog
71. It was only in the last five years or so that I learned what my natural hair color is
72. I always thought it was a dark blond
73. It's actually a dark brown
74. I like music
75. But I'm not gaga over it like most people
76. I can out drink most people I know
77. I find it hard to stop with just one drink
78. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides
79. I'm worried about becoming one
80. This is why I only drink every few months
81. I always, always wanted an SUV
82. My girl traded her tiny car in for a Honda Pilot this May
83. I drive it occasionally
84. I really, really prefer my little Honda Civic
85. I'm not really sure what color my eyes are
86. Sometimes they look green
87. Other times blue
88. Occasionally they look gray
89. I never took a typing class
90. Therefore, I don't know how to type in the "usual" fashion
91. I can still type 50+ words a minute
92. When I was younger I swore I would always live in the city
93. When I was 18 my mom bought a house with 5 acres in the country
94. I routinely refused to stay out there
95. Now I long for a place in the country with at least 5 acres
96. I love scary movies
97. My girl hates them
98. When she makes me mad I like to turn one on just for harassment purposes
99. I have no sense of direction or of measurement
100. I really, really want to skydive

Save me

Monday, November 19, 2007

I am so not looking forward to the barrage of campaign ads that will soon be appearing on t.v. and radio. I get so sick of the lies and mud that get flung about during these ads and along the entire campaign trail.

However, this morning I heard about an ad put out by Arkansas' own Mike Huckabee. With that being said I hereby bring you my 1st WTF?! moment of the day:

Huckabee's first ad

I have to say it is the goofiest campaign ad I ever remember seeing. On one hand, it is so bizarre it makes me question Huckabee's sanity. On the other hand, I'm sure it will generate a lot of traffic to his website, which is the ad's goal.

Anyone else think it's weird?
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On an unrelated note, my hometown, Memphis, ranked #8 on the (controverted) list of most dangerous cities in America. You can find the list here. Arkansas only represented with Little Rock, which was #13.
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On yet another unrelated note, Mondays suck.

Books

Friday, November 16, 2007

Maria has been talking about books all week. Reading her posts has made me think about my relationship with books.

I've always been a big reader. I remember when I was 9 our school got what they called the Accelerated Reader program. Basically for every book you read you took a test on the computer and your score determined how many points you received.

Back then I was always reading books that were deemed "too old" for me. I read Gone With the Windwhen I was 10. It took me an entire weekend, but I read all 1048 pages of it.

I'm also a very, very fast reader. I read so many book during that time period and got so many points that at the end of the year I was the "Accelerated Reader of the Year" for our school. I was in 4th grade. Our school was Kindergarten through 8th grade. And I kicked all their asses.

My point is I have always, always loved books. As I got older my relationship with reading began going through ups and downs.

When I was in high school and early college I didn't read all that much. I was too wrapped up in teen angst mixed together with a huge dose of lesbian drama. I began consuming books with frightening speed again in my early twenties. For the most part that is still how I read. It has gotten to the point that our bookcase broke from the weight of all the books on it. I had to limit myself to buying books unless they were by my favorite authors.

I just went through a phase where I was reading roughly 10 books a week. Considering I was only reading a few hours a day this is quite a bit of a reading for one week.

I was reading anything from Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)to Sharp Objects: A Novel. (Which let me say if you haven't read the Twilight Saga you should! It is a sheet sucker)

I have now reached a point where I am no longer reading. I've been struggling to find interesting books. I've been looking up books I enjoy at amazon to see what books people buy in addition to the ones I like. Finding books this way is a very, very slow process and is very hit and miss.

It's only been a week or two since I've read a book but I am now going through withdrawals. I need help!

Through my amazon searches I've gathered a list of about 30 books I want to read and while this will hold me over for a while I need many more.

I will forever be in debt to anyone* who can give me recommendations.

*This does not include you, Rhonda. You are still banned from giving me recommendations.

Funny

Now I know that most people don't get my sense of humor. I've learned to live with it.

But, I have to know; am I the only one who thinks this song is hilarious? It's kind of a deer hunting rap.

The radio stations break out this song every year around hunting season. I laugh every time I hear it.

Are you insane?!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Am I the only one bothered by the Duggar family? One of our news stations did another story on them last week. I respect people's rights to do what they wish but come on! 17 kids?

They say they decided not to use birth control after a miscarriage early in their marriage that they attribute to the prior use of birth control pills. The question I scream every time I see them on television (which is often as we live in the same state) is WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?! I understand they don't want to use the pill but why does that stop him from covering his shit? I can almost guarantee if he was the one squeezing children out right and left he would find a way to stop it from happening again and again.

I was an only child and I did long for a sibling growing up (always an older brother, go figure) so maybe I can understand the pull of wanting more than one child but I have to say this--I would fucking kill Rhonda if she even joked about me giving birth that many times.

Yet, every time I see this woman on television she looks happy as a clam. Do you think they gave her a lobotomy after the 6th kid or so?

Ain't she grand?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

E-mail like this is reason number 1,468,139 why I love her:

Okay so here's the plan, you and I are going to run away from home and start a farm where we raise chinchillas. We will be chinchilla barons and corner the market on chinchilla fur (or meat or whatever the hell you get from them). We'll live a quiet life (not the stockpiling weapons kind of life) and only go to town for groceries once a month at a tiny store where they will refer to us as "them dykes". There will be no phones but we will have internet access because I can't exist without it. Yes, I'm addicted. No, I'm not proud of it. Most importantly I will never have to deal with another idiot on the phone again.

Love Always,

Rhonda

p.s. What's a chinchilla?

Monday

Monday, November 12, 2007

Mondays suck as a general rule. My ass has been dragging all day and it wasn't even a liquor filled weekend!

Insert some of the most boring, mind-numbing pleadings that have to be drafted and you get me in a quivering mass hiding under my desk.

If you need me I'll be curled in the fetal position behind my CPU.

High School

Friday, November 09, 2007

I really didn't care for high school much. I wasn't into all the bullshit that everyone else seemed to be into. I didn't want to be Miss Popularity. I didn't like guys. I didn't play sports or participate in any extracurricular activities other than choir. I had acquaintances in just about every group with the exception of that one group who were so "cool" that they could only be friends with people in their own little group, and who for shits and giggles randomly made people feel like shit.

I didn't really hang out with anyone from school. I preferred people who lived in the less than middle-class parts of Memphis. I liked sitting at the coffee shop or playing pool at the pool hall with people 3, 4, hell even 10+ years older.

I didn't care about football games or anything remotely school related. I went to the Homecoming game only to sing the National Anthem and then run like hell for the parking lot as soon as my part was done.

I went to my junior and senior proms only because I was harassed into going. I only enjoyed my junior prom because I was less than sober. I wasn't as fortunate for my senior prom so I stayed long enough to take pictures for proof of attendance.

I know my high school days could have been a hell of a lot worse. I was outed my senior year by my "best friend." I was harassed a bit but only by a small group of people. It was devastating enough that I switched schools in November. I ended up coming back 3 months later and honestly for the most part people acted like nothing had ever happened. I was still harassed a bit, but it wasn't anything I couldn't ignore.

I didn't keep in touch with anyone from high school. Which is sad because I had known most of those people since 2nd grade. It's only recently through a forgotten myspace account that I've been in touch with anyone I knew back then.

Suddenly I'm getting e-mails about our 10 year reunion next year.

Part of me is kinda excited about seeing some of those people again.

The other part of me wants to puke at the thought of being around those people.

Hell, just yesterday I got another e-mail about the reunion. This one in the form of a questionnaire. It asks if you are planning to attend. It asks if the charge for attending will play a factor in whether or not you attend. It asks you to check which activities you are interested in.

They are planning for next Fall:

• A Friday night Homecoming get-together in conjunction with a tailgate party

• A Saturday afternoon barbecue

• A Saturday evening cocktail reception

I want to send a questionnaire back in the same mass e-mail:

• Are the girls still going to act like shallow bitches?

• Are the guys still going to do nothing but drink and brag about sex?

• Are the "cool" ones still going to ignore everyone not in their incestuous little group?

• Are you going to freak the fuck out when I show up with my wife?

I know I'll probably end up going to all 3 events. I know I'll probably reconnect with one or two really great people. I also know I'll end up feeling shut out by that certain group just like I did in high school.

So why am I even contemplating it? Why not just send back their little questionnaire with a big FUCK OFF written across it? (This is especially tempting as the organizers of the reunion are the people in that particular group)

I guess part of me wonders what I missed by not giving a shit about football games, dances and the usual high school rites of passage.

Insanity

Thursday, November 08, 2007

People wonder why I am insane. She makes me that way!

Jennifer (3:32 PM): http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/961/Arugula-Salad-with-Fresh-Herbs73091.shtml

Rhonda (3:33 PM): I make it a practice not to eat things I don't recognize. " Herbes de Provence"

Rhonda (3:34 PM): wasn't he the love bug?

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:34 PM): you sure??

Jennifer (3:34 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:34 PM): the midget off Fantasy Island then.

Jennifer (3:34 PM): No

Rhonda (3:38 PM): you sure about the midget?

Rhonda (3:38 PM): sorry... short person.

Jennifer (3:41 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:42 PM): So tortillas, chips, refried beans and cupcakes.

Rhonda (3:42 PM): got it.

Jennifer (3:43 PM): LOL

Jennifer (3:43 PM): and you were going to look for pico which they won't have

Rhonda (3:45 PM): pico. Tortillas, chips, refried beans, cupcakes, pico and cake. Got it.

Jennifer (3:45 PM): Yes

Rhonda (3:45 PM): cool! anything else?

Jennifer (3:46 PM): Millions of dollars

Rhonda (3:46 PM): neat! where do I get that

Jennifer (3:47 PM): I dunno

Jennifer (3:47 PM): The money fairy?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): ah. I'll leave a note under my pillow tonight

Rhonda (3:47 PM): or is it a tooth?

Rhonda (3:47 PM): the dog?

Jennifer (3:48 PM): You're going to leave a tooth under the dog??

Rhonda (3:49 PM): sure! You put a tooth under the dog and the money fairy comes and leaves you a gazillion dollars. It's true. I knew a guy that did it.

Rhonda (3:49 PM): well it was a friend of his cousin actually

Jennifer (3:50 PM): Have you been reading chain e-mails again?

Rhonda (3:51 PM): NO! They aren't chain emails. They just need to send me a check to get it out of Africa. Duh!

Jennifer (3:51 PM): I thought it was Portugal

Rhonda (3:51 PM): as a token of good faith I'm mailing them Leroy.

Spawns

Monday, November 05, 2007

So Rhonda got her revenge for the clown incident. I knew the retaliation would be bad. I just never realized she would be so cruel.

When I went to get on my laptop Friday afternoon I CTRL+D to get to my desktop only to find this picture set as my desktop. I screamed so loud I made the china in the hutch rattle.

Grasshoppers will cause me to lose my shit faster than just about any other living creature. They are spawns of the devil. They have been conspiring to kill me for 9 years.

I realized it when I moved to a town in Northeastern Arkansas 9 years ago that was overrun with the little bastards. I would be sitting at a table next to a window and within 20 minutes you couldn't see out the window for all the grasshoppers covering it.

Once they showed me their massiveness they began moving in for the kill.

They would trap me on the balcony of my apartment building. They would accomplish this by jumping on me and then once I screamed and brushed them off they would get between me and the door to my apartment. Every time I would try to get around them they would jump at me. I was always barefoot when this happened and it would eventually come down to me picking up a chair and holding it between me and the grasshopper as I made my way to the door. I only had to throw the chair once before they knew I meant business.

I'm sure my neighbors thought I was the picture of mental health.

Once they realized the balcony ambushing would not lead to me plummeting to my death they moved on to more deadly attempts. They began infiltrating my car, waiting until I was going maximum speed and then pouncing either on me or on the steering wheel, which I immediately let go of.

I abandoned my car twice because of those evil little bastards. Once in the turning lane of the busiest street in town.

They even came after me in the shower once. I guess they were hoping I would slip and fall. They weren't so lucky. I did run screaming and refused to go back in until Rhonda arrived. The only harm done was to my hair from the shampoo as I waited for Rhonda to make the 2.5 hour drive from her place to mine.

Once I moved away they slowed the onslaught. I guess they can't survive as well here because I don't live near the rice fields anymore. However, they are still out there waiting for me. Occasionally they will send one of their assassins.

It is a sad, sad day for the good side as I lost my most trusted protector.

They may have won the battle, but the war is far from over.

A Meme

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stolen from Maria because I have nothing else today....

Name one person who made you laugh last night.
Rhonda routinely makes me laugh. Like many, many times a day. She's the funniest person I know. And she's an idiot.

What were you doing at 8:00?
This morning? I was walking up the steps to the Courthouse.

What were you doing thirty minutes ago?
Just getting back from lunch so I was probably checking voice mail and such...

What happened to you in 2006?
I got my "dream job" only to realize that it was a fucking nightmare. I lasted 6 months. Unfortunately, my sanity gave out 2 months in.

What was the last thing that you said out loud?
I think I said goodbye to a client on the phone.

How many beverages did you have today?
3 cups of coffee and 1 Red Raspberry Diet Rite

What color is your hairbrush?
I think it's black. I also have a white one with zebra stripes but it's been in Rhonda's car for months

What was the last thing that you paid for?
A triple, venti, wet, non-fat Cappuccino

Where were you last night?
At home with Rhonda and the "kids"

What color is your front door?
White

Where do you keep your change?
I never have change. Seriously. I never have cash. On the rare occasion I do have change I keep it in my wallet.

What's the weather like today?
72 fucking degrees. I'm bitter.

What's the best ice cream flavor?
I'm an equal opportunity ice cream eater. There aren't many flavors I won't eat. I love coffee, black-walnut, strawberry, cherry with chocolate chunks...the list could go on forever. And despite wanting to hate it I really, really love Rhonda's family's recipe for peach-apricot ice cream.

What excites you?
Besides all the usual lovey-dovey stuff like spending time with Rhonda I would have to say the idea of a new house. I really, really want a new house.

Do you want to cut your hair?
Every single day. However, my hair is still pissed about all the horrible things I did to it when I was in my teens so it refuses to do anything but hang there and look like shit.

Are you over the age of 25?
Yes.

Do you talk a lot?
It depends on the situation and who you ask. If you ask the people I work with and most general people they would say I rarely talk at all. If you asked Rhonda or someone who knows me very well, they would say I never shut up.

Do you watch The O.C?
Nope

Do you know anyone named Steven?
Yes, I know a few

Do you make up your own words?
Mostly I make up names to call the dog. Pupples, Punky-dog-dog, pupp-a-lup-a-gus. What can I say? I'm weird.

Are you a jealous person?
Yes. Although in my defense I have gotten so much better over the years. When I was younger I had such a jealous streak. I also dated losers back then. Maybe the two correlate in some way....

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter A.
Andrew. But, Rhonda and I call him Chuck. And strangely enough his given name is neither Andrew or Chuck or anything remotely similar.

Rhonda decided one day that if he could just call himself whatever he wanted that she would call him what she wanted; hence the name Chuck.

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter K.
Chuck's given name is Kevin-does that count?

Who is the first person on your received call list?
My boss. She was running late.

What does the last text message you received say?
Fuck this traffic!

Do you chew on your straw?
Yes. I especially like to do it when I am sharing a drink with Rhonda. It drives her batty.

Do you have curly hair?
This is a touchy topic. My hair will not hold a curl. They tried to give me a perm at least 6 times when i was young. Only 1 ever took. I can curl my hair but I never bother because it falls within 2 hours.

Where's the next place you are gonna go?
Home as far as I know.

Who's the rudest person in your life?
I refuse to answer this questions because I don't want to be dooced

What was the last thing you ate?
A blue raspberry Jolly Rancher

Will you get married in the future?
Only when the majority realize that making my 7+ year relationship legal in the eyes of the law will not undermine the sanctity of hetero marriage

What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
The only movie I can even remotely remember watching in the past two weeks is Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Which was on only for background noise. And because I <3 Angelina.

Is there anyone you like right now?
I agree with Maria. This totally sounds like a junior high question.

I do like Rhonda though. Even when she pisses me off.

When was the last time you did the dishes?
Last night. I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, forgot to start the dishwasher and then filled the sink up with dishes. It's a never ending cycle.

Are you currently depressed?
Yes. I'm trying to put off going to the doctor to be medicated but I don't think I can hold out much longer.

Did you cry today?
Not yet.

Queen of Evil

Monday, October 29, 2007

So Rhonda & I have had conversations numerous times regarding the evil that lives inside me. See I'm evil. I admit it. I embrace it. What makes it especially fun is that no one suspects me of being evil. They look at me and see a sweet, innocent person. But, in reality I am an evil spawn.

See I don't DO evil. I'm kind of like that devil sitting on someone's shoulder tempting them to do wrong. I plant the seeds of evil acts in people's minds.

To give you an example I'm going to confess something here that will get me into a world of trouble. Once Rhonda reads this you will probably be able to hear the screaming miles away.

See, Rhonda doesn't like clowns much. She's not truly phobic of them but she really doesn't like them. So, I, being the truly evil person that I am, called up her arch nemesis, the co-worker she is in a constant battle with to see who can harass the other the most. I used my powers of evil to put a bug in her ear.

Me: "How funny would it be if you could get as many people as possible in your office to dress up as clowns?"

Her: "Holy shit! That's awesome! Rhonda will shit her pants!"

Me: evil laughter

So...ummm honey? I'm the reason those 3 clowns jumped out from behind your desk this morning. But, I want you to know that I had no part in the decorating of your office! She came up with that one all on her own. And in my defense I never figured she would be able to get 5 other people to dress up with her.

And you should have let me dress you up all girlie like I wanted. So really you have no one to blame but yourself.

The woman I love

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Is it any wonder I love my wife? I mean how many women get emails like this from their partner:

My gas smells like chickens have taken up roost in my anus. And while patiently sitting on their eggs they were attacked by wolverine who killed 3 and wounded 2 others. The dead were carried off but not before the wolverine scent marked the chicken's home. 1 of the wounded chickens later succumbed to her injuries and died, leaving the last lonely chicken trying to sit on 5 different nests to hatch the eggs while nursing an infected left wing. Unfortunately it wasn't possible to incubate the eggs alone and so the now rotten eggs and dead chicken are leaking from my ass.

How's your day?

I mean come on. You're having a shitty day and then you open your email and find some jewel such as this one.

Luckily no one was in the office when I read this because I laughed so loud they probably would have come running.

She's a keeper.

Ebay

Am I the only person who has a love-hate relationship with Ebay? I've been wanting to try a new brand of makeup for a while so when Sephora came out with their best of a while back I decided I would try some of the items on their list.

Well, I hate to spend money. Ok, I really LOVE to spend money but I hate this whole debt thing and the whole not being able to shop for a new house....but that's a whole other rant.

So, being frugal (read: CHEAP!) I decided to look on Ebay for samples of the makeup I could buy at a fraction of the cost so I could try it out before I spent megabucks. Let me say this to all those people who outbid me on the Bare Escentuals Get Started Eyes Kit- you people may have outbid me no less than 38 times on 24 different auctions--but I prevailed!!

I try to stay away from Ebay as much as possible because I become addicted to it so very easily. Once I start bidding I can't stop. I have to force myself away from the computer.

I start searching for obscure shit like Gone With the Wind collectibles that I haven't collected since I was young or funny t-shirts. Things I have absolutely no need for. I'll spend days engrossed in Ebay, searching, bidding like a maniac, screaming out loud when people outbid me.

However, once I tear myself away I can leave it alone for months. But, in the back of my mind I know it's always there waiting for me. It knows I'll be back. After all, it's almost time for Christmas shopping.

Morning

Monday, October 22, 2007

I like quiet in the morning. Which of course had lead to the death of many alarm clocks in my possession. When I lived alone I got to the point where I would have to position the alarm clock across the room or I would:

A) Ignore the beeping alarm for a long period of time only to finally reach over, grab the alarm clock and violently hoist it across the room or

B) Somehow turn the stupid thing off completely in my sleep

Some days I was late for class or work. Other days I had a dented (or sometimes destroyed) alarm clock.

Luckily my wife takes care of waking me up in the morning now so I can proudly say I haven't harmed an alarm clock in over five years.

So yeah I am soooo not a morning person. I would rather growl than speak. And if you try to talk to me too much I may become violent.

Why knowing this do people insist on speaking to me before 9:00a.m.?

It's early; it's Monday; it's raining and I have pms. Hopefully, those around me will survive.

Gen-Yer

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I have had numerous people call me an "old soul."

I guess I shouldn't be very surprised that I am different from most people my age. I always have been. I always gravitated towards older people because of their maturity. I had the hardest time getting along with people my age. I thought they were morons for the most part.

When people meet me they think I am so centered and so not what a twenty-seven year old should be. When I try to explain that I've already been there, done that they tend to not believe me. This usually prompts me to begin listing some of the crazy things I did when I was very young. Such as:

• hanging out in bars at 12
• attending frat parties at 14
• the tattoo at 16
• being led through an airport in shackles and chains at 17
• the drinking (Oh Lord, the drinking!)

You can't even imagine the shock on people's faces when I start telling them all of the things I did before my 18th birthday.

I've done it all and I did it way before anyone else at my age. Maybe that's why I'm not like the stereotypical Gen-Yer--I'm a few stages beyond them. I don't know if this is because I'm an "old soul." But, I sure don't mind thinking of myself this way.

Yeah so I lied...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The title of this blog is somewhat misleading. I am fat and I am a lesbian and I do sometimes have adventures. However, my life isn't full of them. My existence is pretty normal. Although being gay in Arkansas can be an adventure. A very scary adventure. Filled with men named Bubba who drive around in pickups wearing overalls and shirts that are too short for their beer bellies* and who would love to show you what you're missing. Show you a "real" man.

But, I digress, which I will probably do a lot of here. I have a tendency to ramble on and on. Occasionally I'll look over and my wife will just be sitting there with this confused look on her face. I like to confuse her. It keeps her on her toes. But back to the purpose of this post:

There is no spoon. Wait. I mean there is no purpose. And if you're reading this looking for some deep purpose (or hell, even comic relief) you probably won't get it. I have no purpose. Well, unless you ask the religious right and they will say my purpose is to convert people. Now why in the hell would I want to convert anyone? They stopped giving out toasters for conversions years ago.

Seriously though. There is no purpose at least as of right now. There may never be one. My hope is that this blog will become some kind of creative outlet for me. And I hope that if someone stops by I can at least get a smirk out of them.

*No rednecks were harmed in the making of this visualization. No, seriously. I may make fun of rednecks and some of the other various species of people here in Arkansas or in the world in general, but I do it with love. Heh. Really, I can make fun of certain people (like rednecks) because I have either dated them (when I was delusionally straight) or I am related to them or I have had enough dealings with them to make myself an expert on them.