Monday, November 05, 2007

So Rhonda got her revenge for the clown incident. I knew the retaliation would be bad. I just never realized she would be so cruel.

When I went to get on my laptop Friday afternoon I CTRL+D to get to my desktop only to find this picture set as my desktop. I screamed so loud I made the china in the hutch rattle.

Grasshoppers will cause me to lose my shit faster than just about any other living creature. They are spawns of the devil. They have been conspiring to kill me for 9 years.

I realized it when I moved to a town in Northeastern Arkansas 9 years ago that was overrun with the little bastards. I would be sitting at a table next to a window and within 20 minutes you couldn't see out the window for all the grasshoppers covering it.

Once they showed me their massiveness they began moving in for the kill.

They would trap me on the balcony of my apartment building. They would accomplish this by jumping on me and then once I screamed and brushed them off they would get between me and the door to my apartment. Every time I would try to get around them they would jump at me. I was always barefoot when this happened and it would eventually come down to me picking up a chair and holding it between me and the grasshopper as I made my way to the door. I only had to throw the chair once before they knew I meant business.

I'm sure my neighbors thought I was the picture of mental health.

Once they realized the balcony ambushing would not lead to me plummeting to my death they moved on to more deadly attempts. They began infiltrating my car, waiting until I was going maximum speed and then pouncing either on me or on the steering wheel, which I immediately let go of.

I abandoned my car twice because of those evil little bastards. Once in the turning lane of the busiest street in town.

They even came after me in the shower once. I guess they were hoping I would slip and fall. They weren't so lucky. I did run screaming and refused to go back in until Rhonda arrived. The only harm done was to my hair from the shampoo as I waited for Rhonda to make the 2.5 hour drive from her place to mine.

Once I moved away they slowed the onslaught. I guess they can't survive as well here because I don't live near the rice fields anymore. However, they are still out there waiting for me. Occasionally they will send one of their assassins.

It is a sad, sad day for the good side as I lost my most trusted protector.

They may have won the battle, but the war is far from over.


Maria said...

Wow...maybe you were one of those in the attack of the locusts in another life.

I'm nervous about spiders and scared of mice. This was so much fun when I was out walking the dog one morning and he actually caught a LIVE mouse. I looked down to see what sort of leaf he had in his mouth and saw these wiggling feet. I nearly vomited.

Thanks for stopping by, btw. Very nice to meet you.

Rhonda said...

Okay, maybe that picture was a bit mean. I'll try to make sure that Phase 2 of "Operation: I can't believe you had clowns attack me, you must PAY" won't be too horrible. I'll return the terrarium that I had set up for you. But I don't know what I'm going to do with Winky, Hopper, and Wallace.

Jennifer said...

Ryley has a tendency to catch things as well. She once scooped up a baby bird that had fallen from the nest and was carrying it around.

She didn't hurt it at all--I guess her duck hunting genes kicked in.

If she ever catches a mouse I will lose it. Rhonda will have to take care of it while I run screaming for the back door.

Jennifer said...


If you know what's good for you you'll send Winky, Hopper and Wallace to live with Jesus or set them free no less than 25 miles from the house.

I can hire a real live clown you know.

Hugs & Kisses,


Rhonda said...

You wouldn't dare.

Oh God, you would.

FREE TO GOOD HOME- 3 grasshoppers, mostly housebroken. For no reason at all, they are trained to come at the sounds of screaming. If interested, please call.