Name calling

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Yeah, I know I said in the last post that my very next post would be some riveting story about how I decided to incur tens of thousands of dollars MORE in student loan debt. But, I lied. Hey, at least I'm an honest liar. I mean, a liar who tells the truth. I mean an honest person who occasionally lies.

Wait, what was the question again?

Seriously, I don't want to talk about that because I am way too superstitious and when things become more set in stone I will write that post.

But, for now. Is is normal to spend your whole lunch thinking of new insults to trade back and forth with your partner? Cause R & I do that all the time. We never call each other anything in meanness; always in jest. My personal all time favorite is and will always be ass hair. My most ridiculous one? Serpent.

I don't think we're abnormal, per say. But, I do think we're lucky we're together because no one else would probably know what to do with us and our weird sense of humor.

Love it!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

This display of clips showcasing Republicans' back and forth take on sexism and female candidates is fucking priceless.



I <3 Jon Stewart.

Holy shit

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Can someone please explain to me how this is a good idea? I cannot fathom how someone got the balls to bring this resolution up for a vote let alone the fact that the damn school board voted unanimously to allow teachers to carry GUNS TO SCHOOL!

Wow is pretty much all I can say. Because we all know that no teacher would ever screw up and leave their gun unattended or hell even if they're carrying it on them at all times aren't they just giving some pissed off kid easy access to a gun? How hard would it be for some high school kid to overpower an adult? Not that hard.

The fact that the parents didn't object to this amazes me.

I'm pretty much speechless.

Tequila

Monday, August 18, 2008

I would like to propose a new law. It involves tequila and food. Or better yet tequila and a lack of food. I think before any waiter or waitress serves someone tequila they should also inquire as to the last time that person ate. It would prevent many headaches and a whole lot of embarrassment. Although it did provide much enjoyment for me the next day when I was reminded of all the wonderful things I did & said the night before.

• Apparently I threatened to sue Sonic for false advertising.

• I was also extremely upset by the fact that Sonic had the instructions on how to make drinks and blasts on the outside of the drive-thru window. (they didn't)

• I also forgot how to say cake in Spanish so instead I listed off all the ingredients in hopes that they would be able to understand what I was asking for. However, I could only remember two ingredients so instead I kept asking for milk and eggs. And since I couldn't think of how to say flour I instead kept asking for pan (aka bread).

Tequila=many laughs for the sober ones

Knee deep in kitttens or how I spent my weekend

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Once upon a time, many years ago R & I did a really, really stupid thing. We fed a stray cat. Our neighbors had a billion cats that they didn't take care of. We called the humane society but they refused to get involved and since we live outside city limits we have no animal control. This one cat kept coming to our house and she was sooooo cute. And sooooo skinny. So we fed her and she stuck around. And had kittens at our house. She died when the kittens were young and we were unable to get our hands on them. So 2 feral kittens became more feral kittens when they mated with the other neighborhood strays.

We've been catching the cats as we can and getting them fixed. However, one of them has been too slippery for us to catch and so we weren't really shocked when we looked outside a few weeks ago to see Fuffy with 4 teeny, tiny kittens. Fast forward to 3 weekends ago when we look outside to see all 4 kittens and Fuffy under our Honda Pilot. We assumed she was in the process of moving them and was just pausing briefly under our SUV. Not so much. Fuffy, not the world's brightest cat, decided that the best place to keep her kittens was under our SUV. So the following Monday R goes to get in the Pilot assuming the kittens would scamper off when she approached. Not so much. Instead they scampered up into the engine of the SUV. We opened the hood and was able to pull 2 of them out. However, the other 2 alluded us and therefore the Pilot was unable to be driven. The next day they again alluded us. By Wednesday we had gotten better and we were able to pull all 4 out, put them in a box and then put them in the yard, far away from the car. Thursday morning they were in the engine again. Again we pulled them out and placed them as far from the car as we could. That night we parked both cars behind the house in hopes Fuffy would find some other place for her kittens. We knew we were taking a risk that she would move them somewhere we wouldn't be able to get our hands on them but we also knew we couldn't keep removing the kittens from the engine each and every morning.

Luckily moving the car worked and Fuffy moved the kittens under our house. Yippee. Kittens under the house. Better than under the car I guess. We knew we had to give them a few weeks to start weening before we could take them from Fuffy. Our ultimate goal was to get Fuffy and all 4 kittens. We would take them inside and get them used to being touched. We already knew a few people who wanted kittens so we needed them to be as tame as possible. If we couldn't make Fuffy less feral acting then we would get her fixed and put her back outside once the kittens were adopted out. We decided last week was the week we were bringing them all in.

We pissed off our own cats by changing up the guest bedroom (a.k.a their bedroom) so we could prepare for the "guests." I bought some kitten food, extra bowls and disposable litter boxes. We were ready. Late last Saturday afternoon I went outside with a bowl of kitten food and a paper plate of tuna. I thought it would be sooo easy. I must have been delusional. I sat under the damn porch forever. R came out at one point and laughed at my attempts to draw them out. I threw tuna towards the entrance they used to get under the house. More of it hit the side of the house than anywhere near the entrance. R abandoned me when I started pelting the side of the house with kitten food in my attempt to get it into the entrance.

I didn't give up. Probably about 15 minutes later "Grant" came out see what the commotion and smell was. He stayed just out of reach so I kept flinging cat food at his feet until I lured him close enough to grab. I grabbed "Grant" and crawled out from under the porch. Keep in mind it is summer in Arkansas. I'm poring sweat and I'm covered in dirt and leaves and I have a billion mosquito bites. But, I caught me a kitten! I took him inside and handed him to R. I went back outside and started act 2 of kitten nabbing. I caught "Bartholomew" the same way I caught "Grant." Toss some kitten food until I was tossing it so close to me he had to come within my reach. I took "Bartholomew" in to R and grabbed the rest of the can of tuna and the entire bag of kitten food. I sat under the porch FOREVER waiting on the last 2. I got the last two within reach by flinging tuna in their direction. Unfortunately they both came at once and I knew I would only get one shot. I grabbed the bigger who that was closest as I also reached for the runt. The runt got away. I took "Lucien" in to R and we got them all set up. We've been taking them out of the kennel to play and hold them so they get used to and like people. We blocked off all the places they could hide where we couldn't easily reach them and let them run free in the room for a few hours last night. Nothing relives stress more than watching kittens body slam each other. Totally awesome.

We think we have takers for all 3 kittens. I hope we do!!! I'd still like to get the runt but I think I blew my chances Saturday. We'll just have to trap Fuffy and get her spayed and release her. And of course hope that we can catch the runt later or pray that he's a boy.

One good thing about this whole incident is I can now add this to my list of why our neighbors think we are bat shit crazy. First we start with climbing under the SUV first thing in the morning before work for three days in a row. Followed immediately by plucking kittens out of the engine, taking them to the edge of the house and sprinting back for the car. That was only topped by me sitting under our FRONT porch for close to 2 hours this Saturday flinging tuna & kitten food at the house.

Some of our neighbors already steer clear because we're "the lesbians." Hopefully now they'll stay clear because we're "the crazy."

And just so you understand the level of cuteness...I now present pictures taken with a REAL camera!!

If you need me I'll be taking my lunch break to take out a restraining Order....

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I would like to preface this by saying I am not one to freak out over little things***

So in case something happens to me I think the first place anyone should look is the copier people we use at work.

Apparently they are stalking me. I was innocently sitting at the front desk this morning looking through the mail when an older, well-dressed (think suit & tie) gentleman comes in the front door.

He looked at me and said, "Jennifer?" I said yes. He said, "And Thursday is?" I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Excuse me?" He again replied, "And Thursday is?" I think I just stared at him blankly that time. After a few seconds of my confused stare he handed me a flyer with a picture of a birthday cake that said:

Happy Birthday Jennifer LastName (which was misspelled)
July 24th

It had the copy company's logo on the bottom. I looked at it (very confused) and said thanks. He said you're welcome and walked outside, got into a Mercedes SUV and drove away.

First things first. We only hired this copier company last week so it's not like we're longtime customers.

Second, I've never had ANY contact with the copier company.

Third, Why in the hell would they drive around town to deliver birthday flyers? In a Mercedes SUV no less!Do they know how much gas costs?

Fourth, how did they A) Know my full name and B) know it was my birthday

We're a small firm. I asked everyone here and they have no idea how the copier people got my name or knew it was my birthday. So it's obvious that the one time the repairman was here he went back to his office and told everyone how lovely I was and now they are stalking me.

***by "I am not one to freak out over little things" I really mean--I tend to freak out & focus on weird shit that happens to me.

"The Vacation"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

You know it sucked when you refer to it in quotation marks. I like to relax on my vacations. But, honestly everytime we go to the river I end up being more tired when we leave then when we got there. Usually the only down time comes from waiting on the shower or early evening after you've spent the entire day running around (making breakfast, cleaning up, getting ready to get on the river, transporting to the river, swimming, transporting back to camp, unloading, showering, preparing for dinner, cleaning up, etc.). This time was even worse as my stepfather and I finally butted heads.

He has been married to my Mom for going on 10 years now. I've always referred to him as a redneck. He's very firm in his opinions on minorities and gays. Usually he sticks with one snide comment in the middle of a conversation and moves on. While we were at the river he went much further and began making horrible racist remarks. His comments were so bad I don't even feel comfortable repeating them here. The simplified version of his comments basically involved eradicating a different race. I was so offended I was in shock at first. After the 3rd comment of this nature I kind of lost it. I honestly don't remember how I even started in but I know it soon progressed to a heated argument. A very heated argument. I don't cuss a lot in front of my mother or other relatives. I'm not sure why I don't; I think it's a matter of how I was raised and it just seems disrespectful. This argument was so bad and so out of control I probably said fuck at least a dozen times. I threw all caution to the wind and just let loose. I think I was tired of 10 years of slurs and such and I was just done.

Unfortunately, when I get mad I cry, which pisses me off even more which of course makes me cry even harder. Sucks to be me when I'm angry. So there we are at their property on the river. They have an acre on the water with neighbors on either side. Luckily for us the closest neighbors were probably too far away to hear anything other than loud arguing. I really hope they didn't hear the words I was yelling. Because I was yelling his words right back at him. It was bad. R got involved when it began escalating. She was also extremely offended by his comments and his reasonings behind them.

The situation got worse when my Mom interjected. She was in their camper when we started arguing and she came out and immediately took his side. She said, "You know he just says things to irritate people. You know he doesn't mean it." When I stated that his comments went too far and were not acceptable to say at ANY time; that blind hatred will never make this world a better place, she started in with her own racist comments. Her interjection is the straw that broke the camel's back. I know my Mom has changed since she has been married to him. I was raised to be very accepting of other people. I never heard my Mom make a racist comment until she met him. This coupled with the fact that she took his side without hearing the comments he made. She just defended him. She kept on and on until finally I said I wasn't talking about it anymore and after repeatedly stating that they finally dropped it. My Mom and her friend left to go to the grocery store and my stepdad and his friend left to take the boat out. Since I was moments from really losing it I grabbed R & we grabbed Ryley and took off down the road walking, trying to blow off steam away from them.

I was extremely hurt by not only my stepdad's words and my Mom's unequivocal defense of his statements but also by what he left unsaid. When he mentioned eradicating an entire race I asked who was next on his list of most hated. What group would he have die next? He said we'll see. However, his answer need not be stated aloud. I know his feelings on gay people. He disowned his brother when his brother came out. They've progressed to at least speaking on the phone but my stepdad only does it because he feels pressured to do so by his mother and my Mom. He knows R & I are together. R has come to just about every family event over the last 8 years. He knows. He'll ask my Mom but won't grow the balls to ask me himself. I'm fine with that. We don't talk about it. If he asks he asks. He doesn't treat R or I any different, nor do any of my other family members. But, he vehemently hates a portion of the world's population and by hating them he hates me. His comments hurt, but his unsaid comments hurt worse. I know he wishes all gay people would become straight or just disappear. I'm gay, I'm one of those people. Does he want me to die as well? And does my Mom realize how hurtful it is for him to want to kill people just like me?

We were planning to leave the next day and rather than leave in a huff that night and give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he hurt me we stayed that night. My Mom approached me a few hours after the showdown ended and tried to defend him again. I told her I didn't want to talk about it.

My response to having to stay and suffer through that night and the next morning? Parrot Bay. Followed by more Parrot Bay. Basically I got as shit faced as fast as I could so I could escape to our tent and pass out. It worked pretty well. I went to the tent for something, laid down on the air mattress and promptly passed out. We woke up the next morning and busted ass getting our stuff torn down and loaded up. My Mom approached me the next morning and asked me not to hold her redneck husband against her. I hugged her and said she we're ok. My stepdad hugged both R & I before we left and said he loved us.

The blowup occurred 11 days ago and I am still seething inside. I'm mad at my stepdad and I'm mad at my Mom. I'm really trying to let it go but I am having an incredibly hard time doing so. I called my Mom Saturday to inquire about the symptoms of appendicitis and my stepdad made another stupid, racist comment in the background. I blew it off as I have done in the past, but my rope is much shorter on this issue than it has previously been. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle being around him for long periods of time. I've pretty much decided that we we're canceling our Labor day trip to the river as I worry that it will be too much too soon. Maybe I'll be better equipped to deal with him by Thanksgiving. Or maybe Christmas. Or you know, never.

Save me!

Friday, June 13, 2008

I am finally validated! This morning a client told me I gave good directions! I almost fainted from the shock! I'm the person who has no idea what direction they are going on five of the six interstates in our metropolitan area. And honestly, the one I do know, I have to stop and think about it before I can even say if I am going East or West. And basically the only way I know is for me to ask myself if I'm heading towards Memphis or Oklahoma. Sad, huh? And that isn't even the interstate I travel everyday! The scary part is I have to give directions to clients ALL THE TIME. It's a miracle they don't curse my name as soon as they walk in the door.

And on an even scarier note; as if I needed another reason NOT to watch Fox News. The idea of hearing this man speak to America as a political commentator makes me gag.

Hell in a hand basket

Friday, April 25, 2008

I'm so going to hell.

The first of the repairmen were at our place Wednesday to fix the damage caused by the tornado earlier this month. R was at home on the phone with me while they were outside working. I asked what they were doing and she said they were talking to our next door neighbor Susan*. My immediate response? "You tell those guys to get back to work, I'm not paying them to talk to crack whores!"

To say we despise our neighbors would be a major understatement. Susan is the woman who once told R that she found a used condom on the ground beside her home but she knew it wasn't hers (Susan's) because she at least had the decency to throw hers away. She wouldn't want her kid stumbling upon it.

We are truly surrounded by some special people. The guy that lives on the other side of us once crashed his truck through our fence and instead of coming over to let us know he just left it there. We woke up the next morning with a truck through our fence. And he had the nerve to get mad when we called the cops. We didn't know who the truck belonged to, we just knew there was some random truck crashed into our fence. And his story about how the truck must have "rolled" out of his driveway is physically impossible to say the least.

Then there's the 14 year old who had a baby.

If the Year of Debt Free continues to fall into place as planned we can hopefully be out of there within a year.

I just hope we can survive it. These people seem to be getting crazier.

* name changed to protect the stupid.

I'm an idiot

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Just in case you were ever wondering...scotch tape does nothing to counteract an underwire bra gone bad.

It does however make for very awkward moments sneaking down the hallway at work with scotch tape secreted behind your back all the while making a dash for the bathroom.

Add to that awkwardness the attempt to muffle the rustling sounds of the scotch tape as one tries to fix their bra.

Final score:

underwire-o-death

1

Jennifer
0

Fostering love

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

This story makes me ill.

Arkansas' foster care system is seriously broken. There is a desperate need for good (major emphasis on the good) foster parents. There are way too many kids in facilities and group homes because placement can't be found in the foster homes we have now.

Kids are being shipped all over the state to foster homes or facilities in far away counties because it's very, very hard to find placement for kids especially in the larger counties.

And yet this group wants to deny unmarried couples living together (read: gays & lesbians) the right to foster/adopt children.

Forget that there is a major need.

Forget what's in the best interest of the children.

Forget that a lot of us are more than capable of providing care for these children.

According to this group you should ignore all these things and focus solely on "a 'homosexual agenda' in Arkansas."

The article states, "there is an agenda at work in other states that's being driven by the homosexual community, an agenda that uses children in foster care or waiting to be adopted. He said his group doesn't believe children should ever be used by a particular group to advance an agenda."

First, what the fuck is a homosexual agenda?

Seriously. I'm not being purposely obtuse; I just don't fucking understand what a homosexual agenda is.

Second, isn't this group doing exactly what it is accusing this homosexual agenda of?

Aren't they just throwing around a bunch of vague accusations against some alleged group in hopes that the people of Arkansas will vote to deny gays and lesbians yet another right in this state?

By doing this aren't they using the children in foster care to further their own goals?

The news this morning said that this initiative would ban over half the people in Arkansas from fostering/adopting.

Wow.

What a great way to ensure there is a permanent foster home shortage.

What a great way to keep this system utterly and hopelessly broken.

Nice!

Friday, December 07, 2007

I want to know who thought this design was a good idea.

Well, I guess if you want to fit in with the cocaine snorting crowd without that pesky addiction you can always flash this as your stash.