It could have been worse....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

You know it's going to be a shitty day when your car dies two blocks from work. And while your car had enough momentum left to get into a nearby parking lot it kaput in the MIDDLE of the fucking parking lot.

So there I was, all 5'0 of me pushing my fucking car into a parking space. Let me say pushing it was much easier than I thought it would be, but running to jump in the car and put on the brake was much harder. The car rolls back at you a lot fucking faster than I ever realized. I came pretty close to getting hit in the face with my open driver's side door, but luckily I was able to jump in without being clothes lined by the door.

I guess I should be thankful I was wearing my lovely Doc Martins this morning rather than the high heeled boots I originally planned to wear. Nothing seems to tempt fate more than me running in high heels. It would have been an exact replay of that time we got drunk and played Chinese fire drill at a major intersection in my hometown. I of course fell while running around the front of the car. Did I mention I was in a dress too? Luckily there were no cops around to arrest me for public indecency when I flashed all those lovely people.

So yeah I guess it could have been worse. Or so I'll keep telling myself until I hear what the estimate is.

Me strange?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I had a weird revelation yesterday. I found out in a discussion with a friend that I'm strange. Yeah, it was news to me too.

He and I were talking about the possibility of him using Criminal Justice as one of his focuses for his undergrad degree. I got my BA in Criminal Justice from the same school he is attending so I was tying to talk the program up. He was kinda worried because he is so fed up with law right now that he doesn't want to take any classes remotely dealing with law.

I told him I only took once law intensive class in undergrad; most of the rest of them were just really cool classes. I took Victimology, Crime & Science, Serial Crimes, Death Penalty, and one of my favorites, Death Investigation. When I mentioned Death Investigation he looked at me kinda weird which you know would be a clue for most people. I seem to be oblivious to those things. I told him that my final paper in the class was on time of death. I had to detail all the ways in which time of death could be established, ya know livor mortis, rigor mortis, all that stuff. He told me I was very strange.

I told R about it last night and she agreed with him. I'm not sure if I should be offended or if I should worry they're right.....

EVIL

Friday, November 14, 2008

I left yesterday to go pick up a salad for lunch and when I returned I found this:



My coworker (formerly my friend, Chuck) is dead meat. All I have to say is it's on. I know his weaknesses and I'm not above exploiting them.

Anyone know where I can get the world's largest tarantula replica by Monday?

Grace aka Stinky

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It occurred to me earlier that I haven't posted any pictures of Grace since we adopted out her brother and sister. Here she is in all her glory.


Grace is what I like to call "special" in many ways. First, there's the stench. Grace has this built in defense mechanism or what some people call gas. Whenever you startle her she emits this odor, which to put it mildly, is rank. Sometimes, her defense mechanism goes off on its own and she just sits around trying to kill the entire household.

You'd think that would be "special" enough, right? Not so much. We also refer to Grace as broken. This label stems from the fact that occasionally when Grace goes to clean herself she screams at her asshole. No, not me. Her own actual asshole. Yeah, it's bizarre. Yet, strangely enough she fits right into our household.

I'm not quite sure what that says about us.

Contrast

Friday, November 07, 2008

Wish me luck. I have a CT scan at 1:30 to try and diagnose this pain I've had in my side since about 3 weeks post gallbladder surgery. I'm worried that the test will take place in a closed tube. I'm claustrophobic and the idea of being in that enclosed tube had me up worrying off and on most of the night.

And to top off a bad night of sleep, I started drinking the contrast about 7:30 and let me say what in the fuck do they put in that shit? Ground up sawdust with a touch of ass? Wow. I can't have anything to drink until after the CT scan. Except for one more dose of the ass flavored, I mean vanilla flavored contrast.

So that gagging noise you hear round about 10:30 will be me trying to choke this shit down. And that cackling noise will probably be my coworker and bosses laughing their asses off at the faces I will make.

So again wish me luck and a nice dose of Valium if I end up in the closed tube.

The Little Girl

Friday, October 31, 2008

In the spirit of Halloween I offer a true ghost story I wrote for submission to a ghost story site 5 years ago.

Almost every member of our family has had their share of ghostly encounters. This particular incident happened to my aunt about 14 years ago.

She lived with her husband and son in a two story home here in Arkansas. So you can get a complete understanding of the situation I have to describe the house, or more specifically the upstairs open loft area. When you walk in the front door you are in the living room and immediately to your right is a set up stairs leading up. The upstairs is totally open so you can look down over the guard rail into the living room below.

One night my aunt, uncle, and their two year-old son were downstairs in the living room. All the lights in the house were off. The only light they had was coming from the television screen. My uncle was the first one to notice the shadow. He nudged my aunt to look up. There on the wall above the television was the normal shadow of the guard rail from the loft. However, you could also see a shadow of what appeared to be a little girl.

The shadow they were seeing had the outline of a small child, maybe five or six, wearing what appeared to be a ruffled dress. My aunt and uncle freaked out.

They jumped off the couch and turned around to look up at the loft area. There was no one there. When they turned back to the wall where the shadow was cast it was gone as well. My uncle took off up the stairs and my aunt could hear him opening the closet door and the bathroom door. He came back down a few minutes later. There was of course no one up there. They decided that the shadow just looked like a girl in their mind. They knew there was no way anyone could be up there. The only way into the loft was the stairs in the living room. So they blew it off and sat back down to watch television.

Less than five minutes later they both saw the same shadow again. This time it looked like whoever was in the loft was running back and forth behind the guardrail. My uncle took off up the stairs again. But, just like the time before there was no one there. He turned the light on in the loft and came back downstairs to turn on all the lights in the living room. They talked about what had happened, and they both agreed it wasn't a dual hallucination. As they were sitting in the living room discussing it, their two year- old son woke up and my aunt picked him up and held him on her lap as she continued the discussion with her husband.

Of course being a two year-old he was squirming around trying to get their attention. This went on for about few minutes, when he suddenly stopped squirming. My aunt looked down at him to see if maybe he had fallen asleep. He was staring at the top of the stairs. My aunt wouldn't have thought anything about it except for the incident with the shadow that had already occurred twice that night. My uncle turned around to see what they were staring at. Like my aunt he saw nothing. Yet, there was my cousin staring intently at the top of the stairs. My aunt and uncle then watched in horror as he continued watching the stairs, though now he was moving his eyes down the stairs as if he was watching someone walk down them. As his eyes stopped at the bottom of the stairs he crawled down off my aunt’s lap and made his way to the bottom of the stairs. Once there he sat down and preceded to start talking (in his limited two year-old speech) to someone on the stairs. He’s yammering away as my aunt and uncle sit there frozen in fear. By this point he’s laughing and carrying on with an invisible person, who from the way he is slightly looking up is sitting on the second stair from the bottom. His parents are freaking out at this point. My aunt tells him to come back over to the couch. He stands up and starts back, turns around and waves at the stairs. They of course asked him who he was talking to. His reply, “Lisa”. There is no one in our family named Lisa. His parents don't know anyone named Lisa. My aunt is a stay-at-home mom, so it wasn't someone he met in day care. A lot of people have tried to write it off as an imaginary friend. But, no one can explain the shadow my aunt and uncle saw not once, but twice.

After that night my aunt and uncle would find my cousin playing with someone they couldn't see. He would sit and carry on conversations with this person, laughing and playing around. This went on for three whole weeks, until one night when all three of them were in the downstairs bathroom. My uncle was giving my cousin a bath and my aunt came in to talk to them. They laughed and joked around having a good time. My aunt walks out of the bathroom, but is called back in to look at something her son was doing. She sticks her head back in the door and they all laugh at whatever cute thing my cousin was doing. The only problem was they also heard a little girl laughing. They stop laughing and the little girl’s laughter stops a few seconds later. They then hear another noise. This time it sounds like its coming from the hallway, it’s a little girl giggling. My aunt and uncle looked at each other with their eyes wide in fear. My aunt turns to look over her shoulder and sees a little girl standing there. She appeared to be about five or six years old with pale skin, brown eyes and shoulder length dark hair curled into ringlets. She was wearing a light blue ruffled dress. As soon as my aunt laid eyes on her the girl stopped giggling. The little girl then ran straight at my aunt brushing past her as she ran into the room beside the bathroom. My uncle was almost to the doorway of the bathroom when he saw her run past. By the time he came out of the bathroom my aunt had pushed herself flat against the wall with her head turned staring at the doorway of the room the girl had dashed into. My uncle walked into the darkened room (which just so happens to be my cousin’s bedroom) and flipped on the lights. He tore the room apart looking for this girl, but of course there was no one there. When my aunt regained her senses she joined in the search. The only exit from the room other than the door was a window. The window was of course shut and locked with the outside screen still intact. There was no way for this girl to have left the room without them seeing her, not to even mention the short period of time from when she brushed past my aunt to when my uncle entered the room. At this point they finally believed that there was “something” in their house. Upon further questioning of my cousin they determined that the girl they had seen was in fact the girl he had been talking to and playing with for the past three weeks.

The little girl hasn't been seen since that night in the hallway. My cousin no longer played with invisible people. However, the story doesn't end there. One week after they saw the little girl my aunt found out she was two months pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl less than seven months later. The little girl had dark hair and dark eyes. When she was five years old she looked very similar to the little girl they had once seen. My aunt absolutely refused to let her daughter wear anything that resembled a ruffled dress. She also refused to curl her daughter’s hair until she was around nine or ten. We still to this day joke that she should have named her daughter Lisa.

Name calling

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Yeah, I know I said in the last post that my very next post would be some riveting story about how I decided to incur tens of thousands of dollars MORE in student loan debt. But, I lied. Hey, at least I'm an honest liar. I mean, a liar who tells the truth. I mean an honest person who occasionally lies.

Wait, what was the question again?

Seriously, I don't want to talk about that because I am way too superstitious and when things become more set in stone I will write that post.

But, for now. Is is normal to spend your whole lunch thinking of new insults to trade back and forth with your partner? Cause R & I do that all the time. We never call each other anything in meanness; always in jest. My personal all time favorite is and will always be ass hair. My most ridiculous one? Serpent.

I don't think we're abnormal, per say. But, I do think we're lucky we're together because no one else would probably know what to do with us and our weird sense of humor.